Fussing #1 Attention
What do we want? Happy Children!
Fussing or pouting really disrupts the family, and drains a parent's energy! How we love it when kids go around humming or smiling! What can we do to coax a grumpy child back to his happy self?
Fussing or pouting really disrupts the family, and drains a parent's energy! How we love it when kids go around humming or smiling! What can we do to coax a grumpy child back to his happy self?
My Favorite Idea:
1. Make a Rule. It was tough, when I had a house full of kids, to have one or two of them be fussy. It brought all the rest of us down. When we were putting together a list of family rules, that we put to song, it was my husband’s idea to add the rule that had been developing in our family:
1. Make a Rule. It was tough, when I had a house full of kids, to have one or two of them be fussy. It brought all the rest of us down. When we were putting together a list of family rules, that we put to song, it was my husband’s idea to add the rule that had been developing in our family:
“If we fuss, we go out,
til we can be happy!” That solidified it, and
soon, our kids knew for certain that there was to be No Fussing in the family
room or kitchen, or wherever we were.
Daddy or I would simply repeat the rule to the fussing one. It was usually the laundry room where he
went—not far away, but close enough to keep an ear out for mischief. Our attention was turned to the other family
members and what we were doing. The
child, feeling obstinate might come right out immediately, not wanting to be in
there! “Oh Good!” I would respond when a little later, I noticed her, “You can
be happy now! Come join us!” But if the fussing started up again, she had
to go out again.
Sometimes a fussy child refused to go out. Then, trying to
give the least amount of attention possible, I escorted the child out.
“Hurry back when you can be happy” was my response. It might take several times, but eventually,
the message got across, and the rule worked.
In fact, fussing would turn to forced smiles to prevent having to
leave. Or, a child who really needed a
rest for a little while, would wait a few minutes, there midst the laundry, to
decide to be happy. After a season of
doing this consistently, the child will learn that this is how we act in our
family. Don’t give up too soon!
The principle is that we accentuate the positive. In fact, experts say to increase the praise
by 10x and decrease the scolding by 10x.
So most of our attention goes to those being happy, and the activity at
hand. And a shower of attention upon the
child when she is finally trying to be happy!
Ideas Families have Tried:
2. Ignore! Sometimes children get into the habit of
fussing for no reason at all except to get Mom’s attention. When all
physical reasons have been ruled out, a Mom is wise to ignore the fussing and
thus extinguish it.
Carla, as a teenager, thought that her mother missed a lot of
what was going on in the family! But when she grew up, she realized that
her mother had been purposely ignoring many things all along! She had
known exactly what was happening, but chose to ignore it, to let things work
out, and to focus instead on the positive. Carla’s admiration for her
mother grew as she realized that her mother had perfected the art of
Ignoring.
Carla chose to ignore many things in her home as well. The
relatively insignificant. The things that would lower self-esteem if
pointed out. These gave children a chance to work things out and try a
better choice. THEN, when the positive came out, Carla would point THAT
out, and the positive action or trait would be emphasized in her child’s mind,
and the negative would be swept by the wayside. When her young son, Reed
(who had been taught not to) picked his nose, for example, she ignored.
But when later he grabbed a Kleenex, she exclaimed, “Reed, I am so glad that
you chose to use a Kleenex! That is so much cleaner, since the germs
don’t stay on your hand! You are a clean person, huh! Good
job!” In his mind was cemented the idea, that his choice was to use a
kleenex. Carla tried to wait until Reed and his brother WERE playing nice
(ignoring minor spats), and then praise them up and down for how well they were
getting along! “Yes, we are getting along. We do like
each other!” is what she wants to go through their minds.
3—Remove the toy! If the fussing
is over a toy or other belonging, it sometimes must be removed temporarily. Nothing has to be said, or just “Work it
out!”
Mandy put many an object on top of the refrigerator for awhile,
so nobody got it, if there was not an immediate solution. Nothing needed saying. The object
stayed up high, in sight but out of reach, as a consequence for fussing rather than
working out a solution. Later on, when emotions were not so high, a plan
could be figured out, and lessons in sharing or respecting someone else’s
possessions could be taught. Then the toy could be retrieved and the plan
could be put into action. But Mandy had to deal with the fussing first,
in order to keep the family sane!
4--Help kids to see the “glass half full!” Make it a game to
find “Donuts” rather than “Holes.” List for them some blessings of
that day, and some advantages of what has happened! For example, he may have had to miss a
birthday party, but isn’t he glad he enjoyed time with his cousins and they
will be friends for the rest of his life!
Chad dragged his feet when it was time to go to school. He’d even beg to stay home that day! Tabitha would encourage him to go and find
“donuts” that day! “Try to find ten,”
she’d encourage. And then, when Chad got
home, she’d remember to ask. He would tell
her about how he had turned his lunch sack into a sculpture at lunch, or that
he had liked playing soccer at recess.
He told her about helping the boy next to him, who was having trouble
understanding the directions, or something cool he found on the way home. Tabitha tried to save up “donuts” from her
day to share with him as well.
5—Use incentives. Launch a Happy Contest for a certain
amount of time. Give a prize to all who tried to be happy!
Miranda and Ned were having a time with their young kids fussing
and whining all the time. Miranda decided on a plan. She took three
sheets of paper for her three children and let them (the older two) cut out a
picture of an ice cream cone to put at the top. Then she drew a path to
it. She hung the papers in different places throughout the room, so that
the kids would not be in competition with each other. Then she explained
her plan, and set the timer for 15 minutes. If everyone could refrain
from any fussing or whining for the entire time, they would earn a
sticker. Miranda found that she had to “tweek the timer” on occasion, to
make it ring right after someone had fussed, so that they would remember, and
it wouldn’t be too much attention on the negative in trying to remind the child
that he had indeed fussed. But the whole family worked at it for three
days to finally make it to the top. And they had a nice ice cream party
in the park to celebrate! It was a glorious time together.
The problem was, that the very next day, there was fussing again. It
hadn’t been enough time to really break the habit. Miranda determined to
start again, with different stickers. She would not have quite so many,
this time, as 50 stickers had been a stretch for her little 2 ½ and 4 year
old. She would simplify and continue until the habit was
broken. And in the process have happy times with her family.
.svg.png){kind=link}
.jpg){kind=link}
Ideas that worked well for you?
I would love to hear your good idea or experience with this
topic. Please comment below!