Talk to Your Teenager #2 Treat him like
an Adult
Yes, we must be a parent to our teenagers, but if we talk to
them as if they are responsible adults (almost), they will rise to it!
My Favorite Idea: 1. Talk to your teenager as if he were an
adult. Don’t cut back your expectations, just word them as you would to a
friend.
Mark and I learned that when our children became older, we could
still expect them to do chores, but just wording the reminders differently
brought much better results. “When you have time, will you please take
out the garbage?” replaced “Be sure to take out the garbage.” Mark got such
better success with that approach, as our kids did not go on the defensive
about why they couldn’t do the chores right then. It was
talking to them more as an adult, which they were starting to become. It
also communicated to them that they as parents expected good things: “I’m
sure you’re wanting to get these done, here’s just need a gentle reminder!” Further,
it gave a teenager who is struggling with rebellious thoughts, a softening and
a choice of when he accomplishes his required tasks.
“Would it be possible to get your chores done before school today, since I am expecting friends over,” for example, works so much better than “Get your chores done this morning!" It communicates to our teenagers that we understood they are busy doing good things, but capable of managing their time more and more like an adult. “I realize you have a lot going, but when you can, would you please take your clothes out of the laundry room?”
“Would it be possible to get your chores done before school today, since I am expecting friends over,” for example, works so much better than “Get your chores done this morning!" It communicates to our teenagers that we understood they are busy doing good things, but capable of managing their time more and more like an adult. “I realize you have a lot going, but when you can, would you please take your clothes out of the laundry room?”
Janice seemed to know just when to switch her communication to adult talk, usually sometime around age 12. It was so effective, because it communicated respect to them, as they grew up. When Janice's teenage son asked her to override a password to let him check out a marketing website on Sunday, she asked him, “Is that OK to do on Sunday?” rather than “Don’t do that on Sunday!” Worded that way, he responded, “I guess it isn’t quite appropriate.” If he had decided to go ahead, she would have allowed it, letting him see for himself that it felt inappropriate for Sunday.
Ideas Families have Tried:
2. Grow in Trust. Assume the best about your
child. Trust him whenever you possibly can.
Mike and Debbie learned that to say, “I’m going to trust you on this one,” is powerful. When Rosalind felt they trusted her with the car, for example, she took more care to get it back on time and in good shape. When they told her they trusted her to decide when she could miss school and still be caught up, Rosalind made sure that was the case. Another daughter, Kambria, however, was not ready for as much trust as soon. She was just not as mature as early, they sensed. In fact, at age 16, there was no way this happy-go-lucky daughter was ready to drive. With time, Kambria matured and was ready for more and more responsibility and trust. And with watchful care, Mike and Debbie knew when to trust her more and more.
Mike and Debbie learned that to say, “I’m going to trust you on this one,” is powerful. When Rosalind felt they trusted her with the car, for example, she took more care to get it back on time and in good shape. When they told her they trusted her to decide when she could miss school and still be caught up, Rosalind made sure that was the case. Another daughter, Kambria, however, was not ready for as much trust as soon. She was just not as mature as early, they sensed. In fact, at age 16, there was no way this happy-go-lucky daughter was ready to drive. With time, Kambria matured and was ready for more and more responsibility and trust. And with watchful care, Mike and Debbie knew when to trust her more and more.
3. Keep Confidences. If your child tells you, “Don’t
tell anyone!” then don’t. This will help her trust you in the future.
Tammy listened to her son’s concerns in confidence, but felt it was imperative that she told her husband. So, when he asked her not to tell anyone, she lovingly explained, “I feel I really must tell Dad, but I promise I won’t tell anyone else.” Because she had been so accepting of him and his concerns, he was okay with her need to talk this over with Dad.
Tammy listened to her son’s concerns in confidence, but felt it was imperative that she told her husband. So, when he asked her not to tell anyone, she lovingly explained, “I feel I really must tell Dad, but I promise I won’t tell anyone else.” Because she had been so accepting of him and his concerns, he was okay with her need to talk this over with Dad.
Further, be loyal. Just as we would not want our kids to
go tell neighbors or friends or even family the mistakes or the foolish things
we have done, they do not like it when we talk about them. Knowing that
someone knows about your mistakes is a heavy burden to carry. It affects
the way your child sees herself, and she is stuck in that label.
Use our conversation with others as a way to build a positive
self-concept. Our bright kids hear our conversations on the phone and the
words we say to the cashier at the grocery store. Work to make sure that
all that you say about your kids to outsiders, is positive and not embarrassing
for them.
4. Use a Family Policy Book. Whenever a situation
comes up that needs boundaries, such as Curfews or Ages kids are allowed to do
something, talk it over and write it down in a notebook. Then, when it
comes up again next year, or with the next child, it is the Book that settles
things, not a rehash with parents. More in a Future Post.
5. Contracts. Some teenagers respond well to a
contract drawn up, which spells out responsibilities and consequences,
including What parents will do, and What son or daughter will do. It
makes them feel respected and grown up. Money issues can be handled this
way too.
Craig and Sarah felt the need to keep their teenagers
industrious. They needed work experience in order to pay their own
way. So they decided to require them to earn their own car insurance when
they turned 18. In return, the kids could use a family car to get
around.
Bruce and Joelle made a deal with their 16-year old daughter
that she could go on the expensive choir trip, if she got a part-time job and
paid them back. They would provide a car for her to drive, but she would
need to pay the gas. For this daughter, having a job and paying her
own way, was just what she needed to grow and learn independence. For
another child, a job might be the wrong answer. They knew they must be
prayerful and let the Spirit guide them, for each child.
Terrell told his teenage kids that the best investment they
could make was to do well in their schooling. Earning a scholarship will
pay much more than ever you could earn at a part-time job. So during high
school years, he and Janine did not encourage employment, except for lawns
mowed, babysitting, and other flexible work that would not interfere with their
studies. These would pay for most of what the teenagers wanted to buy,
and allowed for them to take the rigorous classes that boosted them into college.
Terrell would show his kids examples of people who had sacrificed to get more
college, and the resulting income in comparison to someone who dropped out of
school and took what seemed a high waged job at the time, but that did not lead
to a comfortable living for a family.
In all
three cases, the parents used a contract of some sort with their teenager, and
when the terms were reasoned out together, it was agreeable to all parties.
Ideas that worked well for you?
I would love to hear your good idea or experience with this topic. Please comment below.