Talking to Teenagers #1
The "Loose Brick" of Common Ground
We want to get closer to our teenager, and be able to talk
together. We want to grow in our trust, so he or she will come to us for council and
questions. But how?
1.Be a Parent. Set guidelines, limits, rules. Avoid being a chum. During the growing up years when your child is in your home, he does not need another buddy. He needs desperately a parent, even if it means that he has someone (you) to blame for the things he cannot do with his friends. Be friendly, but don’t try to be popular with him and his friends. He needs boundaries that are not too strict, not too lenient. Prayerfully decide as a couple, and as a family, and write down family rules and curfews.
The key is to also express love and concern, while holding firm
boundaries. “I love you enough to want to guard and protect you, and keep
you safe,” should be the message we always give, with the limits. I am also willing to sacrifice my time and comfort to help you be safe.
Rachel’s daughter Mary often asked her, “Mom, would you tell me
that I can’t go to this get-together tonight? I have a paper due
tomorrow.” Rachel responded as directed: “I’m sorry, but you may not go
to the get-together tonight, since you’d better get your homework
done.” Sometimes, Mary would ask her, “Mom, tell me I can’t wear
this top.” Or even, “Mom, tell me that I have to go to bed right
now.” Mary was using good judgment, but still needed boundaries that
Rachel could provide.
My Favorite Idea:
2. Find Common Ground. Find the Loose Brick in
the Wall that teenagers sometimes put up. Actually, this is not my idea,
but a wonderful article I found about connecting with teenagers. When
there is a figurative brick wall that is between you and your teenager, counsels Brad Wilcox, an expert in working with young people, you must “find the Loose
Brick.” Figure out something that you and your teenager have in common,
be it skiing, cooking, shopping, art, even the same TV show, or the same book,
and use that to gradually tear down the wall and build an open relationship. A
dream of theirs, a skill they want to acquire, an interest, such as
motorcycles, sports, food, computers, horses, guitars, skateboards, journal
writing are more possible common interests. Do that thing together, talk about
something new in that field, or even talk of happy memories of doing that
together. Use it as a springboard to new positive conversation. “Can your children
really talk to you.” Ensign,Sept. 1995.
I was sitting at the sewing machine one Saturday afternoon
mending, when my daughter was in the room folding clothes. She had a
saved up her chores all week, and therefore, had a lot to fold, and was
frustrated about it! I felt bad for her and looked for something to talk about,
to get her mind off the mundane chore. What did we have in common?
I started to tell her the plot from a girlie movie I had just seen, in minute
detail, and my evaluation of it. She loved it, and when I was done, she
told me the plot from the book she’d just read! We found a common
love! (That afternoon is one of my favorite memories!) Other
children have responded to my interest in their current subject matter at
school, my offering to edit for them, or my accompanying them on the piano.
One son likes it when I use his expertise in electronics. Another son who lives
away from home connects with me when he is at the grocery store, calling to ask for advice on how
much or what kind of thing to buy. Other times when I am at a loss, a prayer brings the
Spirit to help me come up with common ground, to make a connection with my
teenagers.
Ideas Families have Tried:
3. Listen. Truly listen. Listen longer, until your
child is done talking. Then ask questions so he will talk longer.
--perhaps go to a different place to talk and listen, one that
is free of past baggage, or negative conversations.
--perhaps talking with one parent would be more effective than
with both, as she may feel outnumbered.
--invent “necessary” car rides, just you and he, in which there
is no distractions.
Ask questions and truly listen. Make sure the
questions are not leading questions, ones that you already know the
answer. Open-ended questions, in which there are no right answers,
are the best, that send the message: I really want to know how you feel.
Be careful to be sincere in tone of voice and wording, avoiding sarcasm
completely.
4. Stay Calm, especially your Voice. A quiet response will
be so much more effective than a loud one, especially if it is void of all
sarcasm. State the facts and show concern. Let unkind remarks just
die, and not get to you. A “soft answer turneth away
wrath.” Proverbs 15:1 Make sure your answers to not
belittle or blame. Avoid criticism, since criticism makes love die.
Do not bring up past mistakes, but forgive. Guide and teach truth, rather
than be critical.
Janelle watched her sister go through a serious problem with her
throat that required surgery and a long period of little or no use of her
voice. Afterward, for quite a while, her sister spoke only in
whispers. But what Janelle was surprised to observe was that her sisters’
6 active children also began to be soft spoken. The tone in their home
was peaceful. It was remarkable for Janelle to watch, but it reinforced
the idea that children learn what the live and learn the most from example.
Marcy found that the times when she was reading the Scriptures
regularly, even if it were only a small portion every day, those were the times
when she had the power over her reactions. Her responses to her kids were
better, because she had the gift of a minute to compose them. In that
minute, the Holy Ghost could remind her of her love for that child, even though
he might be exasperating at the moment. So even when frustrated, with this
extra second, her responses to her children came out kinder. In the scriptures,
she came across 2 Nephi 26:16, in which “he (Mormon) was given power that
he may whisper.” Power to whisper! It was indeed what a busy
mom in a hectic day sometimes needs. Kindly responses with less decibels, as
President Hinckley counseled.
Resist the tendency to overreact. “A professional
counselor told one mother, “Suppose your son came home and said, ‘I have a
friend who is taking drugs.’ What would you say to him?” The mother paused for
a moment and then said, “I’d probably tell him to find another friend.” This
mother may have missed an important opportunity with her son. When a child
tells you about “my friend’s problem,” there is a possibility that your child
is struggling with a similar one. Young people drop hints to test our
reactions. If we are hasty, harsh, and judgmental, our children may not want to
open up any further.” Wilcox, Sept.
1995 Rather than being emotional, teach truth and help
your teenager come to realize the long term consequences for poor choices.
Once again, resist the tendency to respond sarcastically. “The
negative effect of using sarcasm is that people can’t then share tender
feelings for fear that you will be sarcastic with them.” says educator and
clergyman Scott Rapier. We want our teenagers to feel like they can open up to
us. Sarcasm will block that. Even if your teenager speaks
sarcastically to you, respond in a sincere, adult voice that builds relationships.
5. Apologize. Tell your child you are sorry for past
conversations that didn’t work out well. We as parents are learning too,
and sometimes make mistakes. We must model repentance.
Gina
learned that when she apologized sincerely, the mood softened. She
learned to avoid comparing one child to another, but to communicate that she
valued each for who he was, regardless of what mistakes he had made. Saying
“I’m sorry” is a good heart softener, Gina found, so she would use this idea
even if she didn’t think she was really very much at fault. She might say
“I’m sorry I have upset you,” or “I’m sorry we are at odds.” Or “You’re
right, I haven’t been very good at ___.” This approach helped bitterness
to melt.
Ideas that worked well for you?
I would love to hear your good idea or experience with the teenagers in your life. Please comment below.