The volatile, scary teenage years are a great
time to Speak More Love!
My Favorite Idea:
1. One Parent Just Loves. As
our children grew, it seemed to Mark and I that each child’s need to relate to
the parent of the opposite sex increased. The need for hugs and affection
and understanding from that parent became more and more important. Our
Stake President once counseled the parents of our stake to let one parent do
the working with and necessary correction and discipline, while the other
parent spent his energy and time with that offspring just loving him. The one who works the teen
through his homework project or his issues with a sibling, must be there for
the long haul, to see it to the end. The other parent can stay separate from
the issues, while showering love in many ways. Preferably, this one is
from the opposite sex. This approach prepares the teenager for the
approaching marriage relationship.
Ideas Families Have Tried:
2. A hug with the words. Don’t quit hugging your teenager. Do it often. Give praise whenever it can possibly be found. Sending a fun, unexpected text message is another way to speak love. An occasional loveburst is super, ie “Do you know how much I like you?” A hug and/or kiss before bed is a wonderful tradition to follow all the time. Find the good, even if hard to find. This is counsel from a prophet: “Stop seeking out the Storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am asking that as we go through life we ‘accentuate the positive.’ I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort… What I am suggesting is that each of us turn from the negativism that so permeates our society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom we associate, that we speak of one another’s virtues more than we speak of one another’s faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears.” Gordon B. Hinckley April 1986 Ensign
2. A hug with the words. Don’t quit hugging your teenager. Do it often. Give praise whenever it can possibly be found. Sending a fun, unexpected text message is another way to speak love. An occasional loveburst is super, ie “Do you know how much I like you?” A hug and/or kiss before bed is a wonderful tradition to follow all the time. Find the good, even if hard to find. This is counsel from a prophet: “Stop seeking out the Storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am asking that as we go through life we ‘accentuate the positive.’ I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort… What I am suggesting is that each of us turn from the negativism that so permeates our society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom we associate, that we speak of one another’s virtues more than we speak of one another’s faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears.” Gordon B. Hinckley April 1986 Ensign
Mandy liked to occasionally come up to her
teenager and out of the blue, ask, “Have I ever told you how much I love
you?” It was a joke, since she had said that to him several times a
year. Still, he didn’t quite know how to answer, to Mandy just
answered, “Soo much!” That and a squeeze, and the connection between the
two was just a little bit stronger.
3. Cut out the Criticism. Replace it with
Teaching. Pick a non-threatening time to teach truth. Punctuate
what you teach with examples from your own life. Opening up this way
brings a real connection. A wise concept to remember is this
couplet: Criticize them, and their conscience will
Praise them, and their conscience will indict them. Chances are, they
already know what they did wrong, but when you teach non-threatening truth,
especially coupled with a confirmation from the Holy Ghost, it gives them tools
to change.
Family Home Evening is a perfect time to teach
truth. The truths are aimed at the entire family, and so no one person is
threatened. “For the Strength of Youth” is an excellent resource.
Standards of safety that ring true.
4. Use Prayer. Start with praying
to love your teenager, especially one who is hard to love at this time!
Pray for the words to say, that will reach your child and not just put him on
the defensive. Prayerfully decide when to make a rare exception to the
family rules. Prayer will soften your teenager’s heart, since you took
the time and effort to pray about him. “I’m sorry, but I prayed
about this party, and I just don’t feel right about it,” will be something hard
for your child to go against, especially if he feels your genuine concern.
Michelle approached her teenage daughter,
Amanda, to tell her about an extended family event. “We have this activity,
and you are going,” She told her. “No I’m not!” was the girl’s
reply. “Yes you are. We are all going,” said Michelle. “No,
I’m not, and you can’t make me!” said Amanda, her heels having dug in
tight. Michelle knew that she could make her daughter get into the van,
and that eventually she would get out. But just then, a prompting came to
Michelle, and she calmed her voice and said, “I can see that you have decided
not to come. But I want you to know that you can change your mind.”
Then she added sincerely, “I love you” and walked away. Five minutes
later, Amanda came in the room where Michelle was and announced, “I’ve changed
my mind.” She simply needed to express her independence and have it
respected.
Everyone needs a choice. Always respect your
teenager’s agency. Yes, you must steer them. Don’t feel intimidated
by their at times harsh responses or strong debates; if you have received
confirmation from the Spirit that your decision is right, you can stand
firm. But they must learn a lot from their own experience, within the
boundaries of safety you set. So don’t set them too tightly or they
cannot learn. Or they will feel cornered and will fight.
5. Make Exceptions at times. There is a time for mercy, and for forgiveness. We need to sometimes step back, and chalk up a mistake to lack of experience. We make mistakes, and we can allow them as well, even as we are growing in our expectations. Notice the improvements, and play down the goof-ups.
5. Make Exceptions at times. There is a time for mercy, and for forgiveness. We need to sometimes step back, and chalk up a mistake to lack of experience. We make mistakes, and we can allow them as well, even as we are growing in our expectations. Notice the improvements, and play down the goof-ups.
Nancy’s oldest son Matthew was going through a
rough stage. A good kid, at 17 he was struggling with the feelings of
resentment and rebellion that even good kids face. Nancy found herself
avoiding him at times. Enforcing Matthew’s curfew was especially
hard. He knew perfectly that he was to be home by 12 midnight, but would
consistently be home at 12:20 or 12:30! Exasperated, Nancy would enforce
the rules the family had set up. Then, Nancy read in a book not to be a
perfectionist with your teenager. So the next night, when Matthew made it
home at 12:05, Nancy wrapped her arms around him! “Thank you for trying
harder to make it home on time!!” she praised. And son beamed! And
from then on, things seemed to go much better. Nancy was go glad she was
able to praise rather than knit-pick!
16-year old Daniel decided not to
go out with his friends that night. They were seeing a movie he didn’t
feel quite good about. Angie, his mom, made him spend the time at home
catching up on his chores. He spent a lot of time catching up on those
things. Then, later on, when she realized the hard decision he had made
to stay home, she wished she had bagged the chores and got out a game or a good
movie, or took him for a frozen yogurt. It wasn’t the right time to be so
rigid on family rules about getting chores done, as it was to celebrate a
teenager’s good choice and spend the time connecting with him, doing something
extra fun.
Ideas that worked well for you?
I would love to hear your good idea or experience with this topic. Or your question.