No Matter How Oft, Be Soft!

Kids can get really frustrated.  Something has gone desperately wrong, and must change!  So what do they do about it?  Many choose to hit—hit the child with the toy they want, hit the one who’s in the way, hit Mommy, even hit the baby!   How do we direct them away from this response?  How do we help a child deal with his frustration and anger appropriately, and develop self-control?

Ideas Families have Tried:

1.  Establish a firm Family Rule:  “We don’t hit in this home.”  A positive way to put that is to “Be Soft!”  Many a toddler’s first real exposure to another child in her way is the new baby that encroached on her territory!  So showing the child how to stroke gently is a good beginning to teaching appropriate touch. 

Michelle came up with a little jingle to sing their family rules, put to a tune they knew.  She and Dan sang the rules with their kids at family night.  They sang them when a child needed reminding to follow one.  It was a good way to get these things into her children’s minds, to help her teach them when a conflict occurred.  Michelle and Dan talked together about what they wanted to include in their rules: Honoring parents, Telling the Truth, the Golden Rule, etc.  And among their rules was “Be Soft.”  Her rule song helped establish what was acceptable in their home. 

2.  Remove examples of hitting.  Don’t let models of physical aggression be played before your young kids. Watch carefully what movies or TV they watch.   Double check any video games that they may see for violence.  If they do see aggressive behavior, talk it through with them that that was not okay!   We don’t do that in our family!  Don’t think it is obvious to them.  In fact, if we say nothing, they might conclude that this behavior is okay to us.

Parents must beware that slapping, or spanking our children is an example of hitting.  The child learns the most from what we do: “What you are doing speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you are saying.” 

Marilee and Jeff disagreed with each other about how to discipline their kids.  One of them felt strongly that they should never spank their kids nor physically hurt them in any way.  But the other was raised with spankings and felt that they were appropriate on occasion.  So they agreed to disagree on this point, and their children at least had the consistency of one parent doing it one way and the other another.  It wasn’t ideal consistency, but it kept down contention in their home.  Further, the parent who spanked worked to always be in control and try hard to never spank in anger.  “I’m going to have to spank you to teach you not to do this,” was the prelude to the spank.  (And gradually that parent came to realize how ironic it was to spank as discipline for hitting!) 

My Favorite Idea: 

3.  Give child words to say.  If we want our children to talk things out instead of being aggressive, we ought to give them the words to say.  Phrases to use are tools for changing their response.  Tell your child:

“Say, ‘ I would like to have a turn with that car when you’re done.’ ”

“Try saying, ‘That is bothering me.  Would you please stop?’ ”

“Just explain, ‘I am really frustrated about this! Let’s figure this out!’ ”

A parent can put words into a child's mouth that will help him deal with his frustration without resorting to hitting.

4.  Keep your child busy.  Find good things for her to do with excess energy.

 

Mikao would take her little girl's hands in hers and tell her, “See these hands?  They must not hit.  They are for doing good things!”

Joelle discovered that her little boy Charlie had an extremely sharp, creative mind, that needed plenty to focus on.  She collected different kinds of puzzles and mind games.  She let him experiment in the sink and tub trying out different principles or outdoors with the rocks and mud.  Whenever he wanted to use string or foam or any craft or household item in a creative way, Joelle counted it as an investment in a happy, busy child.  And Charlie was never happier than when he was creating something.  However, when Charlie was idle was when he would have contention with his siblings.

5. Tell your child when it is okay to hit!  

Hit a punching bag.  Hit a target with your baseball or your slingshot.  Hit the backboard with your basketball and make a basket!!  It's okay!!  Because it doesn't hurt anyone!   

Marsha would notice when one of her children was wound up and ready to pop!   She told her kids they could hit their pillows all  they wanted!!  She felt it was a harmless way to get out frustration and extra energy.  Usually the child would end up laughing before he had socked his pillow very long!

6.  Channel that energy.  Praise your child for the good things she is doing.  Point out the pretty design Sarah made or the tower she built.  Praise her when she is playing nicely.  Make it a big deal when she shares. (Be sure to mention it to Daddy or Grandma!)  Instead of only noticing when she is misbehaving or hitting, point out the times when she handled a problem well.

    

Fashion and preserve your child's Self-Concept—how he sees himself.  If Tom is told he is a bad boy, that is how he thinks of himself.  It he is told, “You always hit!”  his mind tells him that he is a person who hits.  He can grow up believing that this is simply who he is.  Work hard to plant in his mind that he is a good boy, with many abilities and strengths and that he is learning to control himself.   Even when he resorts to doing bad things, he is never a bad person.  People can change, and they can figure out better ways.

Please Comment:  I would love to hear your good idea or experience with this topic.  Or your question. Next post is more about hitting.  What is your best solution?