Hitting #2: Why
Ideas Families Have Tried:
1. Figure out why your child is lashing out.
Does your child
have too much energy? Add more outside
time to his day. Try removing a nap. Acquire a trampoline or roller skates or a
basketball hoop. Take him regularly to
the park.
Is your child getting
sick? If she is acting much differently
than normal, it could be sickness coming on.
Treat that appropriately with fluids and rest and distraction.
Is there a stressful situation that is hard for your child to manage? A new baby.
Something troubling he encountered at school. A move.
A parent out of work. Death of a
loved one. He may not know why so
much tension has built up and overflowed into hitting. Take him on your lap or on a drive or next to
you on your bed and talk things over.
Explain in words he can understand.
Ask loving questions to really relate. “Are you feeling angry? Tell me about it.” Pray together.
Urge your child
to talk to you about anything that comes up that may bother him. When a child can learn to recognize his
emotions, he can deal with them better.
He can use the tools you give him, such as the words you put in his
mouth (see hitting post #1) and the examples you provide.
My Favorite Idea:
2. Remove the Object. Many times, hitting occurs over a toy or an
object that two children want at the same time.
Removing the object for a time can solve the tension immediately, for the time being.
I
learned to take a toy that was being fought over and place it on top of the fridge. The toy stayed there until the kids have settled down, and are ready to talk about sharing it. After a time or two of explaining to my kids
that neither of them could play with it right now, because hitting is not allowed,
and we must learn to talk things out, they accepted the consequence. Later
on, I could get the toy down and let them try again. But sometimes the object had to go
back on the fridge and remain there for a long stretch!
Early in my mothering, I had twin sons and they always
wanted the same toy! Sometimes, there
were two identical objects that both had received for their birthday or
Christmas, but most of the time there weren’t.
In fact, even if there were two items, one was usually lost or broken or
unavailable. My twins simply had to
learn to share! I started giving the toy to one toddler
brother, gently holding the other toddler back and counting slowly to ten. I would emphasize each number with my voice in a certain way, then when I hit ten, emphasize it with a closing
tone. So even when they didn’t know how
to count yet, the boys recognized when the counting was over. I had to be very patient. For the first 15 or 20 times of counting to
ten, the one who was not holding the toy would cry and struggle. But with time, he learned that his turn was
coming! The one who had the toy learned
too, that his turn would be up. Thankfully,
the brothers gradually learned to share, and saved the peace in our home. And I had a tool that worked for the other
children as well.
3. Shower Attention upon Non-hitters. Lavish praise on them, while ignoring the one
that hit. See pocket # 5.
When Colette had a problem with
one of her young children hitting, she knew she must do something. Hitting was NOT allowed in her home, she
wanted to emphasize to young Sara. But
she hesitated to spank, for that was hitting!
Time Out simply did not work anymore, and had turned into a game. This particular child of hers seemed to be
crying for attention, and she didn’t want to give it to Sara—even negative
attention—for doing something wrong.
After making this dilemma a matter of prayer, Colette decided to reward
the non-hitters, her two younger boys.
The kids all loved going outside, so Colette resolved that whenever Sara
began to hit, she would immediately scoot the two boys outside, and begin
something fun, such as bubbles. She
would shower them with attention, while Sara would remain indoors. Later, when she was done with all hitting and
was ready, she could join them.
Colette knew that it was ideal
for Sara to choose when she was ready to “be good”, rather than to have Colette
herself pick the time to come back.
Still, she didn’t want Sara to get a lot of attention about deciding
when she was ready, or going back and forth, should she hit again! Colette determined to continue bestowing a
lot of attention on the little boys, and practically ignore Sara. Later on, when Sara had settled down and done
something good, Colette would take her on her lap and praise her for the good
things she was doing. If necessary,
Colette would briefly but firmly remind her that in our home, we don’t hit, “so
good job for not hitting now.”
When her son hit another child, Shelley went straight to the victim. “Were you
hurt? I’m so sorry you got hit! How can I make you feel better?” She would totally ignore her son and
give full attention to the victim by sitting next to her, finding her a toy,
reading her a story. She might even take
this one aside and find her a snack or talk to her. What this did was to help her child see an
example of compassion and not give her child any negative attention. Her child’s hitting was ineffective—it did
not bring the desired attention, nor get him what he wanted. Later on, Shelley did pour on the praise when
she caught her son doing something kind or right, or even not hitting
for awhile! “Good job, Nathan! You are playing nicely now!”
Praise those
who did not hit. Notice whenever someone
works things out in a positive way, and point it out with praise.
However, avoid
negative comparisons. Saying, “Noah
doesn’t hit, why can’t you be like him?” is NOT a good teaching method. It hurts self-esteem and brings
resentment. Instead, “Noah, I noticed
that you were able to talk about your feelings and work things out
smoothly. Good job, Noah!”
A child loves
to hear his own name, so save it for praising, and don’t use it when
you have to reprove. “You may not hit”
and “Josie, you did so well sharing that toy!”
4. Teach Kindness.
Sing songs about Kindness. Music gets to the brain a different way than just words, so use songs to get through to your child.
"I want to be kind to everyone, for that is right, you see.
So I say to myself, Remember this: Kindness begins with me." by Clara W. McMaster
Model kindness. “That little boy dropped his shovel. Let’s be kind and pick it up for him.” “Oh look, Joshua is crying. Let’s help him not be sad.”
5. Teach about Jesus. He was so kind. We want to be like Him.
For example: "In the temple, Jesus needed to clear the
things away that didn’t belong in the temple. Can you imagine animals and money changers in
the temple? He must have been angry. But He took time to braid a rope and decide
what he would do. He drove out the animals,
but He didn’t hurt any people or any animals.
Let’s be like Jesus, so we can
live with Him someday.
"When we do
things the right way, we feel good inside."
Readers, What do you do when your child hits someone? Please comment below. And leave me your email, so I can respond.
Thanks!
Labels: Children--Hitting #2 Why
