Ideas For My Pocket: a Support Group for Families: Two Little Lovers, sittin’ in a Tree: One is Mom and the other, Daddy!

Can your kids see that you and your spouse are lovers? Show them! Make it obvious, by your affection and goodness to each other. It’s the best deterrent to troubling lifestyles, to see good ones!

Children are more stable and better adjusted, if they live with an example of a happily married Mommy and Daddy! A happy, normal home is the greatest deterrent to pornography and promiscuity. Actually, there is no better gift to give your children, than a model of a happy marriage—not that it has to be perfect, but that there is love and kindness, respect and joy, affection and love in your home.

Ideas Families Have Tried:

1. Show Affection! In front of the kids, give your spouse a great big kiss. Hug him each time he enters the kitchen. Take her in your arms when you cross her path!

Sharla decided to keep a little bottle of mouthwash in the kitchen cupboard with the spices. That way she could give a good smooch to Michael before he went to work each day—even if she hadn’t brushed her teeth yet that day! If he were in a rush that morning, she might even plop herself in his path, give him a twinkly smile and insist that before he leave, she wanted to give him a kiss. Or she might even follow Michael out to his truck because she had a hug for him!

Even though she wasn’t really that touchy-feely kind of person, Sharla wanted her kids to see that Mommy and Daddy really love each other and make it obvious to them! Further, she started making it a point to hug and kiss her children good-bye and good night. Even if affection wasn’t that big of a deal to her, it was important to some of her kids, and so she wanted to provide it. She wanted to make sure she showed them her love for Dad and for them!

2. Leave the Kids. Find a trusted baby-sitter, and explain to the kids that Dad and Mom need time alone to talk and to make our marriage strong. Plan dates as regularly as possible. Plan get-aways occasionally as well.

Mark and I were counseled in our wedding ceremony to afford a babysitter in order to get out weekly on a date. As our children came quickly, we were so grateful for the chance to get off alone each week. (And they were lucky to have found a favorite babysitter who didn’t charge by the child!) Our dates were usually not very expensive. One of my favorite memories of a date is a swing on the swings at the park. Another favorite was when Mark rode me on his bike, me on the bar and his arms around me, through the rain! How romantic!

Sometimes we went grocery shopping together, with no kids along. I like it when he comes, if we don’t blow the budget! I learned that a date was not the right place to talk about issues and concerns. Instead, I ask him to tell me all about the book he’s been reading, or share mine. We talk over interesting things he or I had come across, or funny things the kids said or what happened at the store or at work.

Often we go to the temple together, as one of our best dates. My sister told me, " We like to attend the temple together. That's probably our favorite thing. We can visit during the 20 minute drive to the temple, we always do the prayer circle and we greet each other in the Celestial room. Then drive home and visit together. Nothing better!"

As the kids grew up, it was so nice to have one of the older ones babysit! How I counted down the days until my oldest turned 12! The teenagers learned a lot from managing the dinner and the little ones for the evening! And everyone knew that Mom and Dad loved each other enough to spend time alone doing something together.

When Mark was given a position in the Church that took considerable time, he was counseled to take me away from home for a weekend once a quarter. It was difficult to figure out a get-away and to arrange the care for our young children. But oh, was it worth it!!

I took charge and would plan a short get-away. If we planned for just Friday afternoon through Saturday mid-morning, it was not that long at all, for us to be away from our children, but just enough time to rekindle our love. We often stay in one of our parents’ homes while they are on vacation, which made the weekend very inexpensive. I gathered a snack that Mark especially likes and a easy breakfast to bring. I also stick in a movie, but many times we never get to it! Mark and I enjoy talking to each other so much, and the uninterrupted time together. We go home with new plans and new stars in our eyes!

"We mostly just like getting away from the house so we can converse uninterrupted, even if it’s mostly just sitting in the car together!" says Tara. "Fast food works fine; it doesn’t need to always be a fancy restaurant." She and Dale love attending musical theatre events or visiting with the elderly. Sometimes they do a double date or tell everyone to meet for frozen yogurt after the adult session of stake conference. Sometimes they choose to check out a new store, like wander through the whole IKEA store."

3. Loyalty and Respect. Let the kids hear you talk about your spouse with the highest admiration. “Listen to your Dad. He is wise.” “You’ll be blessed for following his counsel.” Or, “Mom knows what she is talking about!”

Kim always insists her kids save the biggest piece of cake or pizza or whatever for Daddy! I’m fixing dinner this way, because this is how Dad likes it. She designated the biggest family room chair as the “Daddy Bear Chair,” especially for him when he wanted it. And Dale insisted his kids let Mom go first. Whoever dished up the first plate was to pass it to mom. “Thanks for dishing her up first,” he’d say. “Open the door for Mom,” he’d request whenever his boys got to the door first.

When Kim planned a family night lesson, she was inspired to give examples of a time that Dad lived this principle well. She worked to never to resort to Men Bashing, especially Dale. She refused to tell her girlfriends about issues with him, but worked them out in private. Dale was careful to never make Kim the brunt of a joke. He held her in the highest esteem, as she did him.

Dale, even if he didn’t quite agree with Kim’s presentation of her point of view on a topic, learned to not contradict her right then, so as to undermine what she said. In private, he could express it to her. Later on, he could give another point of view to the family. Gradually, Dale and Kim learned to really support one another, especially in front of the kids.

4. Needs and Thoughts

Our spouses can feel our disapproval, even unspoken. It grates on them and brings division. On the other hand, if we stop finding biblical motes, and start to work diligently on our own beams, then our spouse is free to stop feeling defensive and to start working on him- or herself! It is really a true principle.

Celia found that whenever she and Calvin had a disagreement, the best thing that she could do was to visit him as work that day. This was his turf, and she rarely found out more about it. So when she showed up there, perhaps with a treat or even with just a visit, it showed Cal that she cared enough about him to come to his place and by so doing, show she was wanting things to be better. Celia found that it was a great way to say I’m sorry.

“He is not meeting my needs!” was the constant thought on Lena’s mind, about her husband Ron. “Why can’t he ever take care of what I need?” But gradually, as she thought and prayed on the subject, Lena came to realize that she couldn’t change Ron, nor expect him to perform exactly what she needed him to do. “I don’t need Ron to do it,” she came to realize, “Heavenly Father can meet my needs!” When that was established, she was then free to just love Ron. She could find and celebrate his good points, rather than constantly focus on herself. From that point on, her relationship with him grew better and better.

5. Have fun together. Find something you like to do. Have a water fight with him. Fly kites with him and the kids. Do a good April Fool prank on her. Go bowling or on a hike or to a play together. Throw a Frisbee or play racquetball. Go on a walk (and make sure the conversation stays cheerful)! Think of something he would really like you to do, or something she has been wishing you would take care of. Anything to tell your spouse—and your family—that you really do love each other.