Ideas For My Pocket: a Support Group for Families: Tell Me I'm Great, cuz I'll Believe It!

The day of testing came, and Jessica warmed up for the race next to Kathy, a confident athlete who loved to run and always came in among the first. “I just hate these races,” Jessica confided in Kathy, “I am such a bad athlete and I know I’ll come in last.” “No you won’t,” was Kathy’s reply. “You can do this. You’ll do just fine!” The first group of runners lined up, and Jessica decided to run on the inside lane. To her surprise, Kathy (who was not in that group) came up next to her on the grass and started to encourage her some more. Then when the race started, there was Kathy running right beside her! She ran on, encouraging her for the whole four laps! To her astonishment Jessica came in near the front with an unbelievable time of 7 minutes, 18 seconds! Well, Kathy’s group was up next to run, and Jessica felt so badly that Kathy had to run it after running the whole race already. Surely, her time would be worse for helping Jessica through it!

Still, she was so grateful for the extra help! In fact, from this pivotal day in her life, Jessica decided that maybe she wasn’t such a bad athlete after all. New confidence helped her join the dance team in high school and earn her toe shoes in ballet. She played basketball and volleyball with her church teams as well. She was forever grateful to Kathy for refusing to listen to the label Jessica had given herself. See "Running the Extra Mile" by Jessica Grayless in March 2013 New Era.

Not everyone is blessed to have such a friend, but parents too can help children feel they are capable and good by what we call them. The younger the better, but especially before age 11, I have learned kids believe us. We tell them they are smart or pretty or athletic or creative and they make it true. Conversely, they will believe negative labels as well, so we must be so very careful. These words change lives, even many lives.

My Dad grew up in a very small town in the middle of nowhere. The big deal in high school was to play basketball. In fact, Dad’s older brothers had put their town on the map by winning the AA State Championship in basketball! Now, several years later, it was Dad’s turn to play on the same team with his twin brother. They were also quite a good high school team and won some championship games. But one day, a well-meaning man came up to my dad and made the comment, “Good job for sticking out, Son, even though you don’t have the talent that your brothers have.” “What?” my dad thought,” I never knew I didn’t have talent!” Well, after that some of the drive went out of his basketball playing. Dad went on to the army and a mission and then to dental school. He married and had a wonderful family. But years later, he would often apologize to me and my brothers and sisters, “I’m afraid that your lack of athletic ability comes from me!” So I grew up thinking I was no good in athletics either. I too hated and feared the fitness tests. And one time playing at a basketball game myself, I was so bad that when I finally made one basket after so many tries, the other team cheered!

When I married, however, Mark refused to believe that I wasn’t good at sports. He told me I was just fine. Raising my 9 boys, I’ve had plenty of chances to play racquetball or volleyball or ping pong or ultimate Frisbee or Speed; and thankfully, I have lost my fear of athletics. I now have the confidence to give it a good try, and enjoy the game, free at last from a thoughtless comment someone made to my dad so many years ago.

2. Protect against bad labels

Karson was an enthusiastic singer as a young boy. In church he would belt out the hymns at the top of his loudest voice! Hannah, his mom, would often notice stares from those around her from those who could hear his exuberant singing. But she refused to say anything to young Karson. Instead, she quietly told her husband and other children that she did not want to squelch this wonderful drive her son had, to sing out. She had him sit in the front pew off to one side with her where his loud voice could be heard mostly just by the chorister and those up on the stand. She tried to also sing out to mask his voice a little. Hannah took care that no careless comment would reach his ears and stifle his enthusiastic singing. Karson grew up and did gradually tone it down. And yes, he became a gifted musician.

Some thoughtless comments are out of our control.

Darrell was an accomplished actor. By the time he was 12, he had already been in many lead roles in many plays winning awards for his acting. He began to try out for Musicals as well, and he joined the high school choir. One day, Darrell was asked to sing a solo in church, accompanied by a flute and piano. It was the day after an extremely late rehearsal for the school musical in which Darrell had a lead. He hadn’t gotten home the night before until 1:30 a.m. But he still sang the solo in church the best he could, though his voice may have been scratchy due to the lack of sleep. Well, a letter arrived in the mail in which a well-meaning, elderly music chairman told Darrell that he should not attempt to sing again until his voice matured more. Darrell seemed to shake it off and proceed with his part in the play. But after an evening performance, his Aunt Cindy heard the following exchange. “You did amazing, Darrell!” to which he responded, “except for the singing. I’m no good at that!” The label had stuck and this gifted young man believed that he couldn’t sing. Aunt Cindy wrote a letter to Darrell’s choir teacher in hopes that her compliments and reassurance could undo the damage of that letter. Knowing that a teenager's ego is sometimes fragile and insecure and that such words could make him avoid musicals in the future, she hoped kind words from the choir teacher would restore confidence.

I was an average singer, but no one ever told me I was no good. In fact, my parents asked to hear me sing constantly. Thankfully, everyone who heard me was kind, and when I grew up, I was able to take more voice lessons in college. My voice did mature and even though it’s still not a solo voice, it does get me through choirs. Singing remains my favorite way of expressing myself. I am eternally grateful to my parents who supported me and refused to criticize.

Two young people could not sing. One was a girl who loved to sing. But her father asked her “Why can't you sing as good as your sister?” The other was a boy. Though he was often off-key, his parents refused to say a word. They just supported him in piano and cello. Though wary about letting him be in Junior High choir, they let him join since he wanted to. And the choir teacher worked with him. Soon, he was singing right on key and carrying the bass. This young man grew up to make All-State choir his senior year in high school. Would that have happened if someone had told him he couldn’t sing?

3. Give kids positive labels

Lena’s dad nicknamed her “Leenie, the Queenie!” It was an absolutely wonderful pet name, as it left her not only feeling endeared to him, it also made her feel like a queen!” Lena decided to make up nicknames and jingles for her kids to leave them feeling good about themselves.

In a family home evening, Macy’s parents gave her the label “Generous.” She didn’t even know what that word meant but was delighted when she found out! “I’m generous?” Macy thought to herself and remembered how she had left the price tags on the Christmas presents she gave last year (so everyone could see how much she spent for them)! “I must really be Generous!” And she tried to live up to that label. Later on in her life, Macy decided that her parents must have been trying to engender that trait in her by giving her that label.

Dorothy wanted to make her grandchildren a special Christmas gift one year, so she thought carefully about each child and a good trait she would emphasize that fit each one. Then she made special frames, with appropriate scrapbook paper decoupaged on the wood. Inside read their new titles, such as Builder Brian, Amiable Annie, and Caring MaKenna. There was Sparkly Connie, Observant Oliver, and Kind Kraig. Dorothy hoped these labels would build positive traits in her darling grandkids.

Jen and Dan Baxter chose a scriptural hero for each of their kids. In a tiny frame, they placed the words: Gavin is courageous like Daniel, or Tara is faithful like Rebekah. Since one of their sons had a biblical middle name, they used it in his: Ryker figures it out like Joseph. Then in Family Home Evening they explained each scriptural hero’s good traits and how they reminded them of that person in the family.

Make sure the labels are genuine. It would not work to label an energetic boy as Calm Calvin, for example. But rather than ever calling him “rowdy” or a “ruffian,” tell him he’s “exuberant” and “enthusiastic!”

4. Be Careful in Conversation

Children listen carefully to what their parents say about them to friends or family or teachers. They often accept the labels that they hear placed upon them even in casual conversation--or on the phone. A wise parent would do good to never call a child “stubborn,” or “slow,” or anything that we don’t want to support and reinforce! Even saying, “Tommy is learning to be more careful" --if something must be said at all, it is 100 times better than saying, “Tommy is clumsy!” Be careful what you say, for they will believe it, and think: “I can’t help it. I am just that way.”

Sarah caught herself speaking up whenever her daughter was slow to answer, “She’s shy!” she would say, to get her daughter out of an uncomfortable situation. Sarah determined to wait and let this child take the time she needed to speak up for herself rather than to hide behind a label.

Another confidence building practice involves a child’s name. Each person’s name is precious to him or her. So parents could save the use of their child’s name for positive interaction. Couple your child’s name with compliments and praise. And when discipline and correction are required, leave off the name. Say, “Bobby, I love the way you handled that!” and “You are such a neat girl, Susan!” Then say, “You need to finish all of the food on your plate” or “Please stop doing that” without the name attached.

5. Give them Visible Labels too

Easter was approaching and Joni wanted to give her children each their own picture of Jesus to put up in their rooms. She found several different 5 x 7 prints, each different and each beautifully depicting the Savior and framed them. Her plan was to let each child give her their 1^st, 2^nd, and 3^rd choices. But Joni wanted to do more. At an engraving shop, she arranged for small plaques, business-card size to be made that read, “I am His Disciple.” These she gave with the picture, so each child would internalize this special relationship they had with Jesus Christ. It was a very special label.

In the Ensign magazine one month, Emmeline found a bookmark-sized cut-out with the Prophet’s picture on it that read, “I Will Prepare (to be a Missionary).” It listed several things to do daily to prepare. Emmeline cut it out and laminated one for each family member. It was to go above the light switch or on the bulletin board in their rooms, to remind each daily of this label and this goal. view a similar certificate in the Friend magazine.