Ideas For My Pocket: a Support Group for Families: Don’t we Long to have them Get Along!

We all long for peace and harmony in our homes. When our kids don’t get along, we search for something to solve the problem. It is mandated to parents to not allow such behavior: “Ye will not suffer your children that they.. fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin.” Book of Mormon, Mosiah 4:14. “But.. ye will teach them to love one another and to serve one another. “ (v. 15) This is a tall order, but a good goal!!

One day—in fact it happened to Mother’s Day, Brian and Lori were fed up with how their kids were acting. All seven of them were picking at each other and quarreling! Brian sat them all down, and with some emotion, leveled with them. “My biggest fear,” he said, “is that you won’t like each other as adults. We want you to be friends when you are adults, like Mom’s family,” he went on, “and want to be together. Not like my family, who hardly have anything to do with one another.” For a long time, Brian and Lori talked with their kids trying to paint for them the bigger picture of when they would grow up and leave home and friends. The kids gradually began to see that through thick and thin, it would be family who were going to be there. It was amazing how a step back to realize how important these family ties were, really changed the way they treated one another.

Cory & Terri were so disgusted with Spencer and Cara, their teenage son and daughter, who just wouldn’t get along. No, it was worse than that, these two almost hated one another. Spencer wouldn’t even acknowledge her when he saw Cara at high school! They held a special Family Home Evening urging their children to learn to love one another. However, the fighting continued and one evening, during a skirmish between the two, Cory called Spencer and Cara to come into the Family Room. He then turned on some upbeat music and told them to dance together. Well, the two kids started up dancing, and it wasn’t long ‘til they were laughing. Almost magically, this one incident broke the wall down and from then on, the two were best of friends!

Tylene has her kids sing together when they quarrel. She typed up the song, “Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words.” Hymns, #232. She posted it up at the entrance to the hallway, where the two could be away from the family, yet close enough for her to monitor. The kids were required to stand together and sing the song. Usually, they were done with the argument before the song was half finished!

“We explained (to our kids) that we were tired of trying to figure out who was right and who was wrong every time there was a fight or a squabble or an argument or an erupting sibling rivalry. After all, they weren't our disagreements, they were theirs!

“The fun part of that first meeting was the role playing that came next. We had Sam and Kate (names changed to protect the not-so-innocent) re-enact the fight they had the day before (to the encouragement and cheering of the other kids) and then we sternly demanded, ‘to the repenting bench!’

“ ‘Absolutely! We will go to the bench, and we have to do the very same three things to get off.’ (Over the years, we have spent a lot of time on that bench ourselves, sometimes stretching out the repenting — and the hug — for the benefit of our watching kids.)” See Deseret News article "The Repenting Bench: A Great Way to Bench Squabbles."

Years ago, I decided that in our family, whenever there was contention, there would be a designated place to talk things out. My mother-in-law insisted that bedrooms were not a good place for kids to go when upset—they needed to stay peaceful places for sleeping. The front of the house had too much commotion, and the bickering kids needed to be away from the situation. The bathroom certainly wouldn’t work! I chose the laundry room. And since there was always plenty of laundry that needed folding, my kids would fold clothes together while they talked it out. Folding clothes was not their favorite thing to do, so it was extra incentive to work out the situation. Consequently, whenever someone hits or fights, I insist that the two involved “Go to the laundry room and work it out ‘til you’re friends!”

Most of the time, I just let the consequence do the trick without intervention. They work things out quickly and soon are back reporting “We’re friends now!” But occasionally, if things are too heated, I may listen in from behind the door. If necessary I might say, “It’s time to see the other one’s point of view and be friends!” Usually, they want to stop working and go out, and they know they can stop as soon as they work it out without too much folding! But if there are still put downs and contention, I intervene briefly and urge them to see the other one’s point of view. If they are slow at working it out, I say, “OK, Fold the entire basket of clothes,” which helps them both want to get this figured out! On a couple of occasions through the years, I’ve had to bring out another basket of clothes as well! (And I remember once having to add another job to do together when they were done!) But overall it has worked quickly and well. My kids are removed from the family. They learn to talk things out. They learn to avoid contention. The problem is theirs to fix, not Mom’s or Dad’s, and they learn that choosing to be friends is much less work than fighting!

Evie heard a story about a mother, who having lost her husband at sea, longed that her son not go to sea also. When he left in spite of her pleadings, she went into his bedroom, grieving, and there on the wall for him to look at each day was a picture of a sailor on a boat at sea. She realized that having that picture up had inadvertently made going to sea this boy’s goal!! Evie then noticed what was posted on the walls of her hallways and bedrooms of her children and was being implanted firmly in their minds. She devised a plan to help her children learn to love one another. Evie would take pictures of two or three of her children with their arms around each other or having fun together. She would frame these and place them in strategic places, in bedrooms, bathrooms and halls. When two of her children were having a particularly hard time getting along, she would stage a picture of the two together (trying hard to capture some joy) and once again, hang the picture where it was very visible. (Or if that were impossible due to ill feelings between the two, she searched among her old pictures to capture these kids having a good time!) Soon, the animosity would dissipate, and these two kids would be pals again!

In addition, if two children were together a lot, i.e., to and from school or on the same sports team or club, Evie would arrange that at home these two roomed with different siblings. This helped peace prevail, for they had a rest from each other.

Music is a powerful tool to calm words and feelings. Soothing lullabies, soft religious or classical music, or happy upbeat music help the mood of the family. Be careful to turn off the sounds we don’t want going through our kid’s heads, such as TV, electronics, or music with a negative beat or lyrics.

Callie chose a theme for her family, that she repeats often: “Treat the Best Those you Love the Best!” Her kids hear the theme often and see it up on the wall as well. They talk about who are their very best friends forever! She frequently reminds her kids, “Treat your brother or sister even better that your best friend at school!”

Gina was frustrated when one of her children would begin bossing a younger sibling, reminding the younger one to follow a family rule or even dishing out consequences themselves! She began to say, “Let me be the Mom!” If a younger child seemed bombarded with scolding and preaching from older siblings, Gina would explain, “She only needs one mom! Except when you are babysitting, I will worry about this.” At times, Gina would have chosen to ignore a particular behavior and to wait to praise the positive ones. So if a sibling stepped in to respond, perhaps harshly to it and therefore give too much negative attention, this response also helped: “Let me be the Mom. I will deal with this.” Sometimes a particularly conscientious older sibling might say, “But you’re not dealing with it, Mom!” To which, Gina would take that child aside and explain her plan to extinguish that particular behavior by ignoring it! It was a good chance to teach the principal to the older one.

Ken and Sharon were worried about their 10-year old son Trevin. He was usually such a happy, energetic boy who took most change in stride. But in the last five days, Sharon realized and told Ken, he had actually cried three times over his chores or over an unusual assignment at school. He was having trouble with fighting as well. Were his chores too challenging for him? Was he not getting enough sleep at night? “You know,” said Ken, “It’s hard when your brother gets so much attention on his birthday.” “You’re right!” Sharon realized, “He’s had two brothers have birthdays in the last week. His little brother’s new bike goes faster than his now, and he’s spent both of his hard-earned dollars on their gifts.” “It’s time to shower Trevin with extra attention,” they both agreed. They would play catch with him, and board games, and ask him about his day more often. Ken and Sharon were so grateful for one another’s insights.

6. Love One another and Serve One Another. The whole issue here is helping them learn to love one another. If parents can get them to serve one another, love will grow.

M. Russell Ballard counseled, “First, charity begins at home. The single most

important principle that should govern every home is to practice the Golden

Rule—the Lord’s admonition that 'all things whatsoever ye would that men

should do to you, do ye even so to them' (Matthew 7:12). Take a moment and

imagine how you would feel if you were on the receiving end of thoughtless

words or actions. By our example, let us teach our family members to have

love one for another” (M. Russell Ballard, “Finding Joy through Loving Service,”

Apr. 2011 General Conference).

Shauna found that when kids shared a bedroom for awhile, it helped their relationships. She and Norm made it clear that they don’t allow contention in their home, so the kids need to find peaceful ways to work out their differences. They learned at a Church Sunday School course that “conflict is not wrong, it is just part of being different from each other. It's when conflict is raised to contention that there are problems.”

Renee tried to watch for times when one of her children was having a bad day or didn’t feel good. She would then pull a different child aside and whisper, “Candice is having a hard time today. Let’s do her chores for her and surprise her!” She didn’t force the issue if the child was reluctant, but often, enthusiasm was engendered by the element of surprise (although Renee did, on occasion, tip Candice to notice what had been done for her!). Whenever she could, Renee helped love to grow among her children by helping them remember each other’s birthdays. And sometimes at Christmas, she and her husband both helped each child make a special gift for the family member whose name he had drawn from a hat.

Twelve-year old Carson was constantly telling his younger brother, 6-year old Crew, to “get out of my room!” Deborah was frustrated with this, and she had told Carson to treat Crew like one of his best friends. In the once a month Sunday interviews she had with him, she would ask every time, “Do you get along with your brothers and sisters; do they know that you love them?” In the last interview, Carson had resolved to work harder at getting along with Crew. One evening, as the family was settling down for the night, Carson came into the bathroom where Deborah was and said, “Mom, Crew is in my room. What should I do?” Deborah’s reply was, “Go and talk to him like he was your very best friend, and see what happens.” When she returned to the kitchen, she found both boys. Crew was flying Carson’s prized hover plane around the house. Carson didn’t even seem to mind when Crew would crash it to the floor. Deborah was so pleased! “One more time, and then you need to go to bed,” was Deborah’s input, so as to avoid injury to the plane. She gave Carson a quick hug, to compliment him for being such a good big brother.

At one point, Mark and I were extra concerned with the Contention in our home, so we had a Family Home Evening all about contention. That week, the Contention actually escalated, much to our dismay! So the next week, we took a different approach. We taught our kids all about peace and love. And that was when we began to see improvement. Knowing the goal, our children helped to bring peace to our home.