Ideas For My Pocket: a Support Group for Families: A Happy Tag, Instead of a Nag! I.O.N. list #2

Every parent struggles to teach his child to obey. We can, and often do, force them to do what we say. However, it is so much better if they choose to obey. Waiting until your child has chosen on her own to do what we have been asking her to do, then praising her righteous choice, is the best way to reinforce obedience. It is totally worth the wait.

If you have been teaching Johnny not to eat with his mouthful and why (we can’t understand you, food can spray out of your mouth, etc), if you wait and catch Johnny talking at the table with his mouth empty of food and praise him for following your counsel, the positive is reinforced. If, on the other hand, you continue to notice every time Johnny talks with his mouth full, you are reinforcing that behavior by giving it attention. Johnny thinks, “this is what I do” and may just continue to do it. “Teach correct principles and let them govern themselves,” Joseph Smith taught. This way, a child tells himself, “Yes, I am a good kid. I did make a good choice, and I got praise for it. I like this!”

3. Instead Of Nagging, Stick to Your Guns. Sometimes, it is necessary to simply stick to what you have previously said, and reiterate it briefly. A family policy may occasionally have exceptions, and we parents must use the Spirit to know when exceptions to the standard are okay. But also, we must use it to know when to simply stick to the plan, and let it play out.

Raelyn had rushed out the door with her husband on a Thursday night, instead of their normal Friday night date. She had given instruction to the kids at home before leaving, but called from the car to leave one last instruction for while she was gone. “Can’t we watch a movie tonight, Mom?” asked Carson at that point, “We usually get to, when you and Dad go out!” Raelyn thought a moment—they did usually let them on Friday nights. But it was a school night, and usually TV was not allowed on school nights. “No,” she answered, “It’s a school night. We can’t allow watching TV when there is homework and the need to be in bed on time.” Though there remained a little protesting, Raelyn did not budge and simply ended the call. The next morning, both her sons had large amounts of homework left to finish, and barely made it to school on time. She was really glad she had insisted on them doing part of it the night before, instead of giving in to TV.

4. Instead Of Nagging, Give all responsibility over to your child. When Moms can foresee a problem getting an assignment or a project taken care of in time, we tend to remind kids over and over to do it ahead. We want our kids to learn to pace themselves, so we end up doing a lot of nagging. One idea is to simply turn the whole thing over to the child to manage and let them learn by so doing.

Caroline’s daughter Janie had a large project coming up, and Caroline did not want to keep reminding her that she needed to be getting it done. Though Janie was only nine, she had to do all her own typing for this one, and typing took her a long time! But Caroline had some other pressing things in her family that week. So she took Janie aside and said, “Janie, I can’t worry about your project any more. It’s yours! I am going to send you to school on Thursday—the due date--on time, with or without your project done. It’s your choice.” “OK!” Janie agreed. “I’ll see that it’s done.” Caroline knew that Janie did not know yet how to pace herself very well, but she also knew that failing once or twice might be the best teacher. She might learn better these skills if she has the chance to manage the time. Caroline planned to not say a word about getting it done, but afterward to praise the good things that happened in the process. When Thursday morning came, it went amazingly well—much better than in weeks past when Caroline has pushed and Janie had pushed back! After turning it over to Janie, she was much happier! Rather than using her energy to push, she was happily doing the project her way, with her own timing.

Shannon had learned over the years that her children’s grades in Junior High are not near as important as High School grades. By High School, a student’s GPA matters so much for getting into college and earning scholarships. But Junior High grades, while setting a precedent and pattern for the future, still were not crucial to the future like they would be later on. So Shannon allowed her kids to learn by paying consequences a little more, rather than rescuing them from the consequences as much. Shannon felt the same way about her kids’ chores. Sometimes a chore left undone and the trouble it caused everyone in the family was the best teacher. Her kids would learn that their part in the home is important to the family’s overall happiness.

6. I.O.N., Know when to be Merciful. While paying consequences is sometimes a good teacher, sometimes it is too much to ask. There are times when a mother needs to step in and make things better, and allow a clean slate and a new start. A wise mother must be prayerful, to know when to stand firm and when to be kind and merciful. Children can learn from the negative, but it’s not always the best way.

On mornings when one of her children was running late and therefore could not make it to school on time by riding his bikes like he usually did, Merrilee found herself giving lectures on the way to school while driving him there. She would go over, in no uncertain terms, how to accomplish everything in the mornings, by starting the night before, for example. Or, tell him that he must get up earlier on a hectic morning. She would scold and correct. But one such day, Merrilee realized that she was taking her frustrations out on her child. She knew that just as she occasionally had a bad day, her kids did too. It was okay to just chalk it up to that, and leave the rest alone. That day, Merrilee told her child, "I know this is not how you usually are. You're a Great Kid! You can still have a fabulous day!" When good-byes were exchanged that day, there was gratitude in her son’s eyes rather than shame, and Merrilee was glad she had been merciful.

Sandra’s young daughter Michelle had missed several days of school for a trip to her older brother’s college graduation in another state. Now she was despairing about getting the make-up work done. “It’s just not possible to get it all done!” she moaned. Sandra knew it was time to intervene. Even though Michelle didn’t want to draw extra attention to herself, Sandra called one of her teachers to explain the absence and to ask for more time. Michelle could possibly have managed her time a bit better, but Sandra knew that it was quite the pile-up of work, that Michelle had tried to be diligent, and that a call from a parent would get her back to being on top of the homework day by day.

7. I.O.N., Give a Big Hug! Sometimes the best way to motivate a child is with the words unsaid! Affection, given sincerely, can be all the motivation they need to accomplish what is before them to do. In the book Bonds that Set Us Free, by C. Terry Warner "(http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/301143-bonds-that-make-us-free-healing-our-relationships-coming-to-ourselves) we are taught,

Marli had allowed her 6-year old son Andy to set up a “fort” over a card table in the family room. Andy had been so excited to sleep there, and had for several days, but after he woke twice in one night, climbing in bed with her both times, she put her foot down. No forts on weekdays, only on weekends (when there was more time to sleep in!). When one morning Andy woke up cross and whining and complaining that he didn’t get to set up his tent for two more days, Marli stuck by her guns. Andy, upset and angry, sat on the couch and moped and murmured while she tried to read her scriptures at the kitchen table. “If I hear one more word about the fort, you won’t get to set it up at all,” Marli replied in a best-as-she-could-make-it calm and straight-forward voice, despite her frustration at the constant interruptions to her and her high school senior son next to her at the table who was trying to study. Andy, with hands folded across his chest said, “I don’t want a fort!!” “Tell the truth,” was Marli’s next reply. Nothing was getting solved and no one could study. Then she softened. She went to rocking chair and invited Andy to rock with her, something they liked to do together sometimes. Then he softened too. As she held her young son, Marli explained, “You know, I made that rule because I love you.” “Huh?” “I don’t want you to be so tired that you will fall asleep in kindergarten!” Encircled in her arms, he would now listen. Marli gradually changed the subject to bring up something else her creative son could think about, and peace was restored. What it took was a little love.

Brad’s 8- year old boy Nicholas was being a stinker. He was refusing to listen to all the reasons that he should be sharing with his brother. The truck did belong to Nick, but his little brother had asked so nicely to play with it. This time, however, no amount of reasoning helped. “That does it!” Brad said, in a playful voice, “You need an attitude adjustment!” Brad began to tickle Nick, who ended up laughing on the floor. “I’m going to pour some Goosemonkey Sauce in your ears!” said Brad. “Watch out for all the laughy-taffy juice spilling all over the floor!” Soon, all stubbornness had been forgotten, and everyone was happy in the wholesome play. Distracting his boy had diffused the stress of the situation and brought back peace. Before long, the desired sharing happened!