Ideas For My Pocket: a Support Group for Families: A Fit? Extinguish It!

Remember that when you use a child’s name, you reinforce what he or she is doing then. Wait to call him or her by name until he or she is doing something positive that you want to reinforce: Don’t say, “Sarah, stop your screaming!” Instead, it’s just “Go out till you can be happy (without saying her name).” But do say, “Sarah, now that you are talking quietly so good, we can figure this out!”

My professor of Child Development at BYU had a very small toddler who would resort to head banging. At the time the couple had just moved to an apartment with no carpet yet, only a cement floor. Knowing he must ignore such a behavior to extinguish it, still it was all he could do to walk away when his little baby started banging her head on that cement floor. But, though fearing a split-open head, he did walk away. Peeking in later, however, he saw his little girl had gone and got a pillow, put it on the ground, and then banged her head on it! It told him she knew very well what was going on and not liking the discomfort, would stop soon enough if ignored.

Heather had wonderful success using a Time Out for her six young kids. She learned to first give a warning, spelling out to the child acting up that this is not okay. “Please settle down and use a kind voice, or you will need to have a time out.” Heather and Rob had previously talked it over with their family so all understood that they wanted peace in their home. The family rule was “Kind Voices.” Even their littlest ones could be taught about keeping the Spirit in their home so everyone could be happy.

If the tantrum continued, Heather removed that person from the group with as little emotion or remarks as possible. Heather and Rob knew they must figure out ahead just how they would do Time Out, then be consistent. After studying the “Super Nanny” and their own study in the scriptures, they settled on their plan. Heather knew parents should not use the bathroom as a place for time out, as the bathroom must stay a happy place where she taught her children to control their bodily functions! She also believed bedrooms were not ideal for Time Out as they needed to remain a calm place for sleeping. She would simply have her child sit on a chair in the nearby Dining Room (or in another house it was simply just inside the hallway). For a very small child, Heather sat him/her in a chair in the same room as she was and turned her back across the room from them.

Heather set the timer for how long the child must stay there, 1 minute for each year old the child is. She liked the fact that it is the timer that decides, rather than her, when the Time Out is over. Should a child be noisy during time out, she added time. Should he get off the chair before the timer rings, she started the Time Out again. After two or three days of a long stretch figuring this all out, Time Out became routine, effective, and not drawn out anymore. Then Heather could give as little attention to the process as possible. In fact, soon all that was required for the behavior to stop was just the warning!

After the timer rang came the Follow Through. First, Heather would teach. (Now that things were calm, she could give all the loving attention the child needed.) She took her child on her lap, lovingly called him by name and asks, “Do you know why you had to go to time out?” She used this time to teach the good principles we want to live. “We want to be like Jesus, so we can be happy!” “Don’t you feel good inside when you do choose to do what’s right?” etc. This is followed by Extra Love. Now that things were calm, it is time for the Increase of Love Afterward. Heather reassured her child of her love. The message she tried to give him was that she will always love him, even when she doesn’t love what he sometimes does.

Melissa felt like her child could decide when he was ready to rejoin the family. She would simply repeat their rule, “If we fuss we go out, till we can be happy.” Further, Melissa felt that if there were a family rule they had set together, then it was the rule that was being obeyed (rather than just “mean mommy!”). When calmed down, the child could rejoin the group, the sooner the better! Her little two year olds would quickly come back in and announce “Happy Now!” That was fine! “Oh good!” Melissa would tell them. If they indeed remained happy, so much the better. If a relapse occurred, she simply escorted them with as little emotion or words as possible, back to the laundry room. “You weren’t quite ready” was all that needed to be said. Ideally, the child could chose when he was ready to be done with his tantrum and be calm.

Mike’s mother chose to have her son simply stand in the middle of the kitchen floor to calm down. It was enough consequence for her active son not to be able to move until the timer rang.

Janet realized her 5-year-old daughter did not do well with “Time Out.” The girl would panic and be so insecure about being left alone. During a conversation with me about this child, the Holy Ghost prompted me to ask if this little girl liked to write or was artistic at all. “Yes, very much so,” Janet replied. I suggested, “Why don’t you have her draw how she feels when a tantrum comes on? Or just hand her a pencil and paper to scribble hard and let the frustration or until she could talk about it.” It was a good substitute for Time Out. The key was consistency.

3. A Tantrum in Public

A tantrum in a public place poses a problem. Don’t be tempted to give the child what she wants to make her be quiet and quit! This invites her to do it again next time! It may be necessary to go to a restroom or to the car until the child can stop. Be careful not to make a huge deal out of it, or you negatively reinforce what you don’t want to happen again. “Sometimes a mommy says no,” teaches a mother to her child, “and you must obey.”

When my child screamed or cried out at the grocery store, I found something that worked well. At the first outburst--maybe because he wanted out of the cart-- I would quietly tell the offender, “Look at that little girl over there! She is wondering, ‘Why is that little boy making such a loud noise? It hurts my ears! Is he hurt? Does he need to go to the hospital?’ My son would perk up and realize what those around were thinking. He would not only be distracted out of his tantrum, but become embarrassed about those around him. Having quieted him down, I could then reason with him about the problem at hand: “You can get down from the cart if you stay right by me. If you leave, I’ll have to put you back in.” It was very effective.

If part of a tantrum, the screaming could just be ignored. Walk away and wait. Then when the screaming has subsided, go to the child and reward the quiet voice. “Now you are talking so nice! Tell me what was wrong,” may work, “I like it when you talk quieter. Don’t you?”

Mary put her young, screaming child Rita matter-of-factly in the pantry with the light on and door opened and told her she could come out when she was done. “That hurts our ears,” Rita was told, with a minimum of attention given to the whole scene. If Rita came out early, Mary would say, “Oh good! You are ready to join us!” This was ideal, since the child had “chosen” to calm down and join the family. But if any screaming began again, Rita was escorted back in firmly. “Come back when you are ready.” Extinguishing a behavior in this manner may take some time, but a mother who is matter-of-fact and consistent and gives plenty of love afterward, can expect the tantrums to subside. (A mother may need to discuss the situation with neighbors, to reassure them that the child’s screaming is being extinguished and not to be alarmed.)

If a child raises her voice simply to be heard, try stooping down and looking that child in the face whenever she speaks. Quietly prompt her to “say it quieter; I am listening.” Hopefully, she will no longer feel the need to scream.

A child who is overwhelmed with a problem she cannot verbalize may end up screaming and not know why. Calming the child, loving arms around her, or rocking may help.

My own little girl had a real problem with screaming. She had four older brothers, whom she desperately wanted to hear her, so she began to scream. But it got way out of control. This little child screamed so much that her voice went hoarse! We took her to a specialist, in fact, who told us that she was too small and it would be too traumatic for the doctor to be able to get down and look in her throat. “You must simply keep her quiet for two weeks,” we were told, or this damage could be permanent. “What?!” I thought, “How in the world do we do keep this little girl quiet?” Well, I went home and was prompted to gather my family around. We talked about how important it was to help our little sister. We decided we must all be as quiet as possible for the two weeks. We put signs up all around the house that read, “Shhhhh!” We praised her quiet voice whenever it was possible. Gradually, it worked and with time, she outgrew her tendency to scream. We had to water what we wanted to grow—a quiet, peaceful voice.

My sister had a throat surgery at one point, and couldn’t talk for several months. Afterward, she whispered and then spoke quietly for a long stretch. This occurred when her children were very young, and they all grew up being soft-spoken! A parent’s example makes a difference!

Another approach is to use Sign Language to give a frustrated child some tools with which to communicate. Very young babies can be taught some basic signs, such as More, Hungry, Please, Thank you, etc. These can be found in a library book, online, or from a friend who knows sign language. This will help a toddler express his needs and wants without the tantrum that accompanies not being able to communicate.

5. Manage the Stress

Della had told her 9-year-old daughter that she could not go to the birthday party until her work was finished. She felt she must follow through on consequences she had warned about. As the time approached and jobs were not done, the procrastinating child felt like it was impossible and worked herself into a frenzy over the situation. She simply could not calm down enough to do the work. Finally, her mother sat down with her on the couch and quietly talked of other things while she rubbed her daughter’s feet. It took a good ten minutes’ time to calm the child down. Then they talked about the problem. Her mom helped her formulate a new plan that would make her burden lighter but still accomplish the required chores. In a few minutes the girl was finished and ready to go off to the birthday party. What a wise mother to take the time to reassure the girl of her love. Doesn’t a loving Savior often treat His children similarly?

Gail told her 16-year old son that he could not possibly do all the things he wanted to do. He was already in Student Council, Choir, and hard classes. He wanted to add a Spring Sport and a part in the School Play. Choose one of them, she reasoned with him, or you can do neither as well as you’d like. Next year you can try the other option.

When her teenager had hard decisions to make, Leslie urged her to fast and pray about her choices. She had learned that an answer from above gave her teens the power to see the decision through. One son had decided to drop his calculus halfway through his senior year in order to be in the high school musical that year. It was an extra tough decision, as he felt a lot of pressure from his teacher and his counselor to stick it out. In fact, the teacher would not sign the Drop form! She hated to lose a good student, and she told him that if he dropped Calculus now, he would not understand it in college. Leslie watched the process. She asked Garrett, “One year from now, which option would you wish you had chosen?” “The Musical!” was his reply, “I’ll never do drama again after high school!” Leslie wanted to intervene and talk to the teacher, but knew that her son was almost 18 and needed to figure out more and more on his own. She urged him to fast and pray about this decision. He did, and told her he felt that dropping this class was the right thing to do. “There you go,” Leslie counseled, “with that answer, you can have the strength to see this thing through. Tell your teacher that you have prayed about this, and feel that it is the only way to get through the second half of a busy Senior year.” Well, after praying for her to be understanding, she did finally sign the form. Garrett did make the musical and did have many important assignments in Student Council as well. He had time to write a speech to give at Baccalaureate, and to do the extra-curricular Senior events that were only a part of high school. And the next year at the University, driven by this teacher’s warning, Garrett earned an A + in Calculus!

I have suggested that my stressed-out teenagers try this: When I am so full of frustration that I am about to pop, I take a piece of paper and write down everything I am angry, stressed or annoyed about. I may write as hard as I can (without tearing the paper!) using up pent-up emotion in the process. Once everything is written down, I don’t have to keep it all in my head nor rehash it all to myself. Everything is all there on that page!! Soon I am able to turn the paper over and list all my blessings there. The frustration starts to dissipate and before long, I can calm down. I can come to the point where I can throw the whole paper away! An emotional outburst in front of my family has been averted and rechanneled!

Still another idea is to let them pay consequences, when they are not life or death consequences. Mandy found that her teenagers were most likely to erupt when they were frustrated with her hovering. For example, when her sons would pack for a scout outing and she would bring up different items to see if he remembered them. “Mom!” her son would invariably exclaim, “Of course I remembered that! You don’t have to help me!!” “Oh well” she decided, “Let them forget a toothbrush or a coat and then pay the consequences and learn the hard way.” Mandy decided they just wanted to show they are old enough to be responsible on their own! She decided to leave them alone to learn the hard way!

6. Two-Parent Approach.

My Stake President gave us an effective approach to deal with a teenage melt-down. He described his son’s Algebra crisis, which prompted The Two-Parent Approach. One parent took the nitty-gritty, sticking it out to the end. In this case, it was his wife who took on the algebra problems, explaining them patiently to her son until the whole concept was learned. The other parent’s job was a supportive role. At the next possible time, this parent poured out extra love and background support, such as food, compliments, and more time together.

We have tried this and found it to work well. One daughter had a huge melt-down over an extremely large Poetry Project. She was ready to give up and quit! If two parents had taken it on and both descended on her with differing ideas and advice, it would have been too much. It was perfect to have me take the issue at hand and talk her through each step. Mark covered the other bases, fixed meals, drove kids, which freed up her and me to work. He came up with other ways to connect with this daughter soon after. Mark could also read the finished product and appreciate it with a fresh perspective.

This same pattern worked well when a son had an important speech to write and was getting all his ideas mixed up together. There was a deadline and things were getting tense! Mark went through it step by step and asked him just what he was trying to say, then figured out with him how to make it come out right. I backed off, despite the many ideas I had and did the background support. It worked well and was a choice experience for father and son. They came home from the out-of-town affair and retold the whole event and how the speech was carried off admirably! I could then ask questions and praise anew.