Ideas For My Pocket: a Support Group for Families: Tantrums, whether Toddler or Teenager

For many children, tantrums are a part of their toddler/preschooler years. Most children seem to go through a difficult season around the age of two. Some start nearer to 18 months and some don’t seem to hit this stage until age 3, or even 4. Understanding “terrible twos” can help. And in fact, many of these principals apply, if adapted, to later stages of growth challenges, such as teenage years!

1. Understanding Why

Communication: A large part of a tantrum seems to be related to a struggle to communicate. Babies understand language way before they can use it. The child understands exactly what he wants, but he can’t express it. Or at least he definitely wants something, even if he’s not sure what! He knows what everyone is saying, but he lacks the words to tell what is on his mind. And he desperately needs to be heard!! Couple that frustration with tiredness and the family has a real problem!

Asserting Self: Part of it also is that the baby is becoming her own person. She must get that across: “I am me! I know what I want!! (Well, maybe I don't quite know, but I'm Sure I want something!!) I am no longer just an extension of my mom. I am a person! I can disagree! And I can certainly say No! I desperately need to try my Free Agency!” Sometimes it seems to require tantrums to get this point across.

Know that your little one is not being belligerent when he wants things done a certain way. Most of the time, it is will not spoil him to go ahead and comply. Of course there are times, however, when parents must say no.

Physical: Of course, when a child is hungry, tired, in pain, or getting sick, she is more likely to lash out. A young baby who doubles up and screams could have colic,however, or another medical condition, rather than just a tantrum. Pray for the Spirit to help you discern the problem. And get a doctor’s advice if needed.

Aubrey discovered that her young son actually got migraines. He would tell her his head hurt. If it were a bad one, he would curl up in a fetal position, and even throw up from the pain. She learned to not dismiss his complaints, or ignore as she would a tantrum, but to watch for a headache coming on and give her son plenty of understanding at those times.

Stress: If a child feels too much pressure or stress, it may erupt in a tantrum! Times of extra stress may include: a move, a new baby, or any dinosaur-sized change. Even too much energy bottled up must come out!

Identity: Teenagers are also in a becoming stage. They are leaving childhood behind and striving to become self-reliant adults. In the process, they are not ready to leave parents behind, but desperately need our support and limits. The struggle between becoming an adult and holding on to childhood may burst into an eruption or at least a melt-down.

Stress: Teenagers are sometimes overbooked and over-stretched. There are the AP or Advanced College Prep classes, projects, and huge tests. There are a myriad extra-curricular activities that are such an important part of high school. There is the pressure to decide what field to study. There is the pressure to decide about college and to earn grades that are good enough for college and do service required to get into college. There are money issues: some to spend now and enough saved for a mission or college as well. And there are hard decisions on which of these to spend your time on and which to cut out. What about the issues with Friends: choice of; desire to fit in; what “everybody” thinks of me; are my clothes okay? No wonder there is an occasional melt- down!!

Marcie and Ben noticed a trend in their family. Partway through the Junior year, their teenager would have a crisis of some sort. There would come a time when all the various pressures would come to a head and the teen would erupt. Marcie and Ben came to know to be extra careful to be there, to listen, and to reassure during this time. They even warned the younger ones how hard the Junior year might be, and to pace themselves accordingly. Marcie would say extra sincere prayers for the teenager at this time and Ben would offer a Priesthood blessing. Together they would get through it.

Communication: Teenagers also desperately want to be heard. They want their ideas to be seriously understood and considered, even if they are still figuring out them! Sometimes it is a struggle to verbalize just what they feel and why they are upset.

Physical: Puberty is a huge change, as we all know. Hormones are tricky to manage and play a factor in emotional outbursts. Awkwardness in a rapidly growing body and a changing voice can be embarrassing.

2. Prevent a Tantrum

Foresee: As a mom comes to know when a tantrum is likely, she can change the situation ahead, and prevent a scene. Naps, meals, or a change of atmosphere can all help.

Celia learned that if at the beginning of her grocery shopping she made it clear to her child that he could pick only one thing to buy, she would have a lot less struggle as she passed everything her child wanted! As he grew, Celia could even reason with him that, "we can’t spend too much money, and so today, we can’t buy any extra things". A tantrum about something to buy was thus averted.

Distract: There is a wonderful tool called distraction. Little ones can often be directed to something pleasant to talk about or do, thus dissipating the tense situation. A different toy at the right moment, a fun snack, or a new thing to look at might be just the trick to prevent an explosion.

Eva tried one idea that was NOT effective. Thinking to lighten the mood, she laughed when her little girl got all upset about something. Then, one day when Eva herself was upset about something, her little girl laughed at her. She came to realize that rather than helping dissipate a tantrum, laughing at her daughter actually hurt their relationship.

Help Communication: A certain time set aside to settle down and talk over things is a great plan to stimulate understanding. A regular "rock and talk" together in the rocking chair, a conversation before bed or first thing in the morning, or a parent/child interview held once a month are great ideas. These are expected times that both parent and child can look forward to, to talk over concerns and express love.

Children may need you to give them the words to describe what they are feeling. “Are you feeling tired?” “Are you feeling angry about something?” “What can we do with those feelings?”

My children learned the word “Frustrated” early on. “Mommy is feeling frustrated!” I would sometimes tell them. It is a handy word to know: “Does that make you frustrated when your friend takes your toy?” I might ask a child later on, when things have cooled down. “How could we fix that? How about if we put your favorite toy in your bedroom, and leave these other toys out to share?”

An Outlet: Perhaps an outlet for pent-up feelings will help dissipate them, before an outright blow up.

Desiree told her kids that they could hit their pillow all they wanted. Or she sent them out to jump on the trampoline 50 times when things got tense. Even hard work with a hoe or shovel outside helped. And it was imperative to take her boys to the park often, to let them use that extra energy their bodies needed. Her boys had the need to climb and exercise, with a “Mom, watch this!” as well. Using that built-up energy in productive ways helped things to stay calm.

Carrie’s boys were constantly wrestling. They were not hurting each other, just rough-housing all the time! Sometimes they wrestled Daddy, and sometimes just each other. But it seemed to be a great need in her home. Grandmother, who had raised all girls but one, would comment, “Do they do this a lot?” “Yes,” Carrie replied, and it seemed that with all that energy expended, her boys were well-adjusted and had less need to explode in a tantrum!

Acceptance and Affection: Extra acceptance and love are needed at this volatile time in a young person’s life. They long to feel loved exactly as they are. Don’t stop giving hugs or kisses! Maybe give extra!! “I love you just the way you are” cannot be expressed enough. I remember feeling so upset on my 12^th birthday. I ranted and raved to my Dad and couldn’t figure out what was really going on. All I knew was that I desperately needed for him to tell me he loved me. Bless him, he did! And my tears dried up and with that assurance, I was so much better.

An Outlet: Meltdowns became fewer when Ella started running. At 17- years old, Ella noticed that a good run seemed to lessen the stress build-up in her life. After a morning run, she felt calmer and more able to see the way through a busy day. An intramural sport could also help a teen to let out some of that built up stress. A good look at her daily load may also be necessary.

The thing that got Shondie through a tough first semester of college was singing! When her studies started to swirl in her head and she was ready to pop!, she took a songbook from her backpack and went to a sound-proof practice room on campus. Playing for herself—despite the mistakes—Shondie sang out as loud as she could, playing as hard as she could! All her pent-up frustrations were taken out in a positive way by singing and playing.

3. The Need to Say “NO!”

I found a wonderful way help a tantrum to dissipate, or not even come to a head. Does your child have a Need to say No? Let him! In a positive way! I would ask my child: Are you a tiger today? NO!!! Well, Are you a giraffe today? No!! Are you an elephant today? No! It was perfectly fine to answer the yes or no questions with a resounding “No!!” And gradually, the power of their answer went down in force and decibels.

Teenagers are like two-year-olds in some ways. They are trying out a new phase of their lives, and don’t know quite how to deal with it yet, so they scream and have a form of a tantrum. If parents will realize that this--like two-year old stage--will pass, they can figure out ways to give support and love through this awkward time and let their child pass through it somewhat gracefully.

My high school-aged daughter came home from school worn out and grumpy! She was terribly out of sorts and exclaimed to me, “I just want to say ‘No!’” “Well,” I replied, thinking of my success with letting two-year-olds say no, “Do you have any mosquito bites today?” “No!!!!” “Do you have any ingrown toenails?” “No!!!” “Do you have any boils?” “No!!” “Do you have leprosy today?” “No!” "Then you are in Great Shape!" By that time both she and I were laughing heartily, and all was better. This technique that I had used on my two- year olds (Are you a lion today?), had had great results on my 16-year old too!

4. Find the Real Reason

What your child says during a tantrum could very possibly not be the real reason behind it. Search for a different reason. Pray about it. “What is Tami really trying to tell me?” When the real reason is addressed, future melt-downs are lessened.

Barbara’s young son Tyson was not himself. He would tease and misbehave and yell! He couldn’t tell her what was wrong, and didn’t even totally know. So one day, Barbara sat down with him and had a heart-to-heart. She knew that Tyson had a history of being under-challenged and bored at school, so she asked, “How is school really?” “Fine,” he answered slowly. As she probed deeper and asked more questions, a light went on in his head. “That’s it!” he realized. “I am totally unhappy at school.” Together they had uncovered the real problem. Barbara moved Tyson to a school that was less structured and more geared to one’s own pace. “I have my Tyson back!” Barbara rejoiced, for once these needs had been met, he was content and pleasant again.

15-year old Nellie burst into tears one day in PE class. She had not made the varsity team she so desperately wanted to be in, and was stuck in JV another year! The tears would not stop. It was all so unfair! But the real reason was not sports at all, she realized much later. Nellie’s tears were shed over her suffering relationship with one of her parents. How she longed to connect with that parent! But even she had not figured out the real reason for her outburst. It takes wisdom to discern these things. As parents, we must be aware and more deeply aware. If we are able to figure out the real reasons, we can work and pray more effectively for change.

In the story of Lehi and Sariah, found in 1^st Nephi chapter 5, Sariah is extremely upset. “You are a visionary man!” she accuses Lehi! At this point, Lehi could have gone on the defensive. He could have pridefully exclaimed, “I didn’t ask for this revelation to leave Jerusalem! Do you think I like living in a tent? Don’t you think I miss our family and friends and all our riches?!!”

But no, Lehi knew the real reason she was lashing out. His poor wife was desperately worried about her sons, gone back to the city for days on a dangerous errand to confront an evil man. She had worked herself into a frenzy of worry! “I know I am a visionary man,” Lehi answered calmly, agreeing with her and dissipating the tension. Then, he addresses the real problem. “I know that the Lord will deliver my sons out of the hands of Laban!” (verse 5) Sariah is comforted and the conflict is settled. He had listened for the real problem. May we do the same.