Ideas For My Pocket: a Support Group for Families: Please Elect to Talk with Respect

Our world today seems to be losing the respect for those older than oneself. It used to be that living to an old age was much less common, and so if someone did, that person was considered wise and smart, one to emulate and learn from. We can teach the same to our children, and expect the same in our homes.

Teach this one early. In fact, like most other teachings, it should be taught five years before it’s needed. Even very young children may hear disrespect, sarcasm, put downs, in our world constantly. But if at home they hear kindly, respectful responses, they will develop more respect for all the people around them.

Ideas Families Have Tried:

“Get me that!”

1. Put words in their mouths. Model what you want them to say. For example, when you hear, “Get me the tape!” you can prompt, “Mom, would you please get me the tape?” If a child demands of his brother, “Give me that toy!” then you can direct him to say, “Would you please give me that toy when you are done?” If the child does not say it over correctly but it still frustrated, you can tell him, “Say it right, then I will help you get a turn with the toy.”

Moira was dismayed to hear her 6-year-old son say to her, “Where is my toast?!” She answered calmly, “In the toaster.” “Why didn’t you butter it?” he roared. Knowing she could not allow that kind of talk, she responded calmly but firmly saying the words he should have said: “Thank you for the toast. Would you please butter it for me?” Then she got up to go butter it for him. When he did not say those words, but still complained, she sat back down to her project and explained, “You need to talk respectfully to your mother” and busied herself. When he chose to speak better words, his tone of voice was still loud and a touch sarcastic. “Thank you for the toast. Would you please butter it for me?” she repeated in a straightforward, kind tone of voice. He then asked again with a better tone.

Moira was not initiating a power struggle. She was putting better words into her son’s voice. If we give back sarcasm and loud, rough words for those we receive, what have we taught? Remember, kids learn the most from our example.

When her older children were having trouble listening to bad words at school, Tenna gave them an example from her own life to illustrate the point that sometimes humor helps with this type of situation. Tenna and her friend Sue had been sitting in a high school math class when a couple of boys started using a bad word. “You mean ‘Rats!’ don’t you,” said Sue, and then in an exaggerated voice, “Oh, Rats!” The boys laughed and repeated these words. The next time a bad word came up, Sue and Tenna again replaced it for them with the words, “Oh, Rats!” and everyone laughed again. The girls got their message across, that they didn’t appreciate the bad words, but did so inoffensively with humor.

“Stinky Face!”

2. Throw away Garbage Words

Myra and Ron planned a Family Home Evening to encourage better talk in their home. Myra got an empty #10 can, covered it with paper and printed “Garbage Words” on it. The family talked first about kind words that we love to hear that build us up and make us feel good. Then they talked about words that they hear but don’t want to use in their home, words that put down others or were substitutes for swear words. One child had heard the word, “Bone Head” so they talked about that and decided they didn’t want to say that to anyone. So “Bone Head” was printed on a card and put in the “garbage.” So was “stupid” and “dumb” and the other words the kids could think of. They decided that “shut up” also made people feel bad and belonged in the garbage, as “Please be quiet” was so much better!

“Would you ever take something out of the garbage to use it again?” Myra asked the kids. “No, it’s full of germs and dirt in there! That’s the same with these words!” The “Garbage Can” was left on the counter and when someone slipped up and used one of those words, Myra simply reminded him to leave that word in the garbage! Whenever a new word came up that was questionable, they would talk over whether it, too, should be placed in the garbage. If so, they would write it down on another 3 x 5 card and stick it, too, in the “garbage.” Much later when the “garbage can” was gone, the idea of throwing a word in the garbage was still effective.

Tina taught her children that if ever any of their friends heard her talk badly about someone else, the friends will wonder if she talks about them too, when they aren’t around. But if a person refuses to ever talk badly about anyone, everyone will know they can trust her to never talk about them either. Of course, Tina strove to model this completely by never talking badly to them about each other or others.

The Meyers had a talk about Grandma. When she was a little girl, her brother once told her, “You have a big, crooked nose!” He may have been just teasing her, but she believed him. For her entire life, she had been commenting about her ugly nose, i.e., “I’d look okay, except for my nose!” Even the Grandchildren had noticed it, and they didn’t think her nose was so bad! But she did! So you see, they decided, words that you say can do damage for an entire lifetime. You must be careful to not injure someone with words.

“Blankety-blank!”

3. Wash away filthy words. Sometimes we parents hear our children say an entirely bad word, one that does not belong in our home for sure.

Profanity “tells others that your vocabulary is so extremely limited that you cannot express yourself without reaching down into the gutter for words.” Gordon B. Hinckley https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/04/be-ye-clean See his talk.

Eric and Jen talked with their family about taking the Name of the Lord in vain. Of course, they explained, the Lord’s Name is so special that we would never use it just in everyday language or even when we were mad, would we? Jen suggested they would feel so bad if someone shouted one of their names whenever they felt bad or were angry, wouldn’t they? And our Lord’s Name is the most special of all. We must only say it very reverently. Eric and Jen tried to use a reverent tone whenever they spoke the names of Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ. In fact, this is so important, they taught, that it is one of the Ten Commandments that the Lord wrote with His finger, for man to have. They then shared this story: Under total anesthesia after having been operated on, Spencer W. Kimball was being wheeled back to his room. Still drugged, Spencer sensed his table stop by an elevator and heard the orderly, angry at something, profaning the Lord’s name. Half-conscious, he managed to say, “Please don’t say that. I love Him more than anything in this world.” The orderly answered softly, “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.” See the story online.

Now, not everyone has been taught this, Eric and Jen explained; so we must not judge them, only show them a good example.

Celia felt that when a word was especially bad, she must take quick action to see it doesn’t get used again in their home. For such cases, Celia used Soap to wash away the Dirty words. At first, she escorted the child into the bathroom and when the child resisted the soap, she simply scraped a little under the child’s front teeth. That was enough. She let them go from there, spitting it out. Her only comment was that dirty words must be washed away. If necessary, she handed her child a rag to wipe up the floor. But mostly, Celia tried to give as little attention to the process as possible, because she knew that if she Watered this (with too much attention), it would Grow. Later on, if soap was needed, she simply told her child, “Go take a bite of soap.” She let him decide how much was necessary and didn’t monitor the process at all. If he didn’t do it immediately, she did nothing, only withheld the next meal or toy wanted until after her child had taken that required “bite” of soap.

Young Alicia was playing outside and quickly said, “Oh my Gosh!” To her mother, listening from afar, it sounded like she was taking the name of God in vain. So they had a talk. “I know you weren’t really saying it, but to others, it may sound like it. We don’t want to even come close, do we?” So Alicia decided to be more careful with her choice of words.

“Of course I want to!” (sarcastic tone)

4. Watch out for sarcasm. There is quite a diet of sarcasm available in our world, put downs too.

The Stevensons talked about sarcasm. They felt it was important to recognize the sarcasm or sarcastic tone and limit our diets of it. One favorite children’s show, upon examination, contained a lot of adult humor and sarcastic remarks. Sharla decided to switch off that show, and when the kids complained, she explained why. The family worked to speak sincerely, rather than always the opposite of what we mean said sarcastically.

“Still our voices of sarcasm” was Gordon B. Hinckley’s counsel. After observing a general trend of pessimism in the world, President Hinckley urged listeners to “stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. … I’m asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort.” See the article online.

The entire quote: “I come this evening with a plea that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I’m suggesting that we accentuate the positive. I’m asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort.

“I am not asking that all criticism be silent. Growth comes with correction. Strength comes with repentance. Wise is the man or woman who, committing mistakes pointed out by others, changes his or her course. I am not suggesting that our conversation be all honey. Clever expression that is sincere and honest is a skill to be sought and cultivated. What I am suggesting and asking is that we turn from the negativism that so permeates our society and look for the remarkable good in the land and times in which we live, that we speak of one another’s virtues more than we speak of one another’s faults, that optimism replace pessimism.

“Let our faith replace our fears. When I was a boy, my father often said to us, “Cynics do not contribute, skeptics do not create, doubters do not achieve.” Read the speech online.

Along with not twisting words into sarcasm, Jesus taught, ”Let your communication be, Yea, Yea; Nay, Nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.” Matthew 5:37. I interpret that to be: if you mean yes, say yes. If you mean no, say no. There is no need for extra, unnecessary words for emphasis, such as “blankety-blank no!” Choose a better vocabulary instead and say what you mean.

“I hate this!”

I like to use the simple words, “Try it Over” when my kids say or do something inappropriate. It is a great way, I’ve found, to give the message that this is not okay and there is a better way, and that our child needs to change something right away without attacking or causing a major problem. It encourages them to try a better approach, while at the same time not giving the negative too much attention, nor hurting a child's self-esteem. Mark too has picked up these words and used them too. It is so effective—a quick way to get the wheels turning searching for a better tone of voice or choice of words.

My friend Sophie communicated the same thing to her kids by saying, “Rewind.” They got the notion that the way that thing was handled was not okay, so back up and try it again! Often at her house it took three tries till they got it right! A sister-in-law Josie chooses to ask her kids to "Start over," rephrase, or change their tone the second time.

Jana’s kids had picked up a bad phrase that they began to use repeatedly, calling each other “Stinky Butt Head!” Nothing she tried worked! Not ignoring, not restricting the Wii, not even soap. Finally, she decided to use an idea that had helped her two little girls play together nicely. She had set the timer and when they could do it for 15 minutes, they received a reward. She decided to start rewarding with a juicy treat those who went a certain amount of time without saying it. Gradually, they would go longer and longer without saying it with rewards longer and longer apart; and having the mindset of remembering not to use it, they would over time extinguish the habit.

“You’re wrong, Mom!”

6. Support One Another

When she heard her grandchildren talk back to their mother, Betsy responded, “This is my baby. She is so precious to me, and I love her so much. Please don’t talk to my darling that way!” Similarly, a husband can insist that his children talk nice to his Sweetheart, and a wife the same with hers! Reminding a child to talk with respect to his other parent is more effective than insisting “you talk to me with respect!”

Carlton and Chrissy used the support of the Commandments. They taught thoroughly the commandment to honor our father and mother, including the part that “their days may be long upon the land.” They tried to show their kids how they honored their father and mother/their kids’ grandfather and grandmother with calls and invitations, letters and visits, and thoughtful prayers for their comfort and happiness. They set out to serve them by weeding their garden or putting up Christmas lights. Carlton and Chrissy realized that however they treated their parents would come back to them someday when they were the Grandparents.

“I want to share this with you.”

7. Earn their respect.

If we want our children to talk to us with respect, we must earn their respect. Make a connection with them by sharing your life, your struggles, your victories. Share with them what you read in the scriptures that day! Bear your testimony to them in a home setting. If we focus on improving ourselves, rather than micro-managing, then the other person is empowered by our example. The more I work on myself, the more freedom I give you to work on yourself.

When our children observe us keeping our promises; when they hear our answers to them spoken softly, with self-control and sacrifice; when they see that we are truly striving to be better, and apologizing when we fall short, they will trust us and respect us. When we pray over them, and struggle to get sincere answers from our Father in their behalf, they will listen to them. We will have earned their true respect and the respectful language will follow.

According to Instructor and head of BYU’s Preschool program, Anne Uri, referring to Carol Gerhart Mooney’s book Use Your Words, we tell our children to use their words, but then we don’t. We talk down to children, then they learn to talk down to others. We must explain carefully, as we would to a friend. Then that kind of talk will be their model.

“From the time a child is born, if they are spoken to with respect they will follow,” said Diane, a mother of 8, “And how parents speak to one another has a great influence on children also.” She and Bert spoke carefully about neighbors or leaders or family members, using respect, so their children would. They used conversations at the dinner table and in Family Night to help teach them the importance of respectful talking and found examples in the scriptures.

Leeanna had three different brothers or brothers-in-law who served as Bishops through the years. Always, she and Joe referred to them as "Bishop" in church settings and insisted their children did too. They talked with their kids about the respect a position deserves, i.e., teacher, church leader, and such. Leeanna and Joe knew that their kids would treat others the way they had been treated, even verbally; so they talked to their kids respectfully also.

“I think who you are deep inside as a person, as a parent, is what comes through,” said Nola, also a mother of 8, “and your kids know and feel that. If you only speak respectfully, even of those you disagree with, then they will learn to do likewise.”

Nephi gave us a wonderful example of respect in 1 Nephi 16:18-30. When his bow broke and everyone started to murmur, he went to his brethren (not his father) and exhorted them. Then he turned to his father, and respectfully asked him to please find out where he should go to find food. Lehi, knowing that he must repent before he could get that information from the Lord, did so. Then his answer was found in the Word of God (the Liahona). So Nephi honored his father, and his father taught him with the word of God. What a great pattern. One that takes Patience and Perseverance--both with ourselves and with our kids!