Ideas For My Pocket: a Support Group for Families: A Modest Princess

“The most precious thing that a girl has is her modesty and if she preserves this in dress, in speech, in action, it will arm, and protect her as nothing else will. But let her lose her modesty, and she becomes a victim of those who pursue her, as the hare is of the hound; and she will not be able to stand unless she preserves her modesty.” (Melvin J. Ballard, Conference Report, April, 1929, p. 68).

“Be modest. Modesty in dress and language and deportment is a true mark of refinement and a hallmark of a virtuous Latter-day Saint woman. Shun the low and vulgar and the suggestive.” (Ezra T. Benson, "To the Young Women of the Church," Ensign 16 [November 1986]: 83). (Both quotes are found in Susan Bednar’s talk referred to below.)

Teach modesty, from the time they are little. Teach them their bodies are special, even sacred, like the temple. They should be covered, as our prophets have told us in "For the Strength of Youth." If girls grow up dressing modestly, going to the temple will not require a change of wardrobe.

Girls must start young. My friend Lorelei stood up in front of a group of ladies and told them she felt like there was no separate standard for babies and young girls than older girls. “You might say, she’s just a baby,” she said, “but modesty is important for her too.” When, really, do we draw the line? Lorelei chose dresses with sleeves and tummies covered even for her very young baby and as she grew to be a toddler. In that way, she felt, her daughter would grow up always knowing that they dress modestly in their family.

Do little boys need to be taught modesty? Gwen thought so. She taught her little boys to wear shirts around the house, and to cover up with a towel in the bathroom. Gwen taught them very young that their private parts were special, since they would help them be a Daddy someday. So they should keep them covered. Gwen asked Bill to teach their son particulars.

We mothers must set a huge example to our daughters of respect for our bodies. What we wear speaks much more loudly than what we say. Our daughters notice when some cleavage is showing, and they notice when we pin up our blouse or wear a high undershirt beneath. They hear us when we reject an item of clothing to buy for ourselves since it is too sheer or too tight, too short or too low or when we alter it to fit better. And even if they roll their eyes when we tell them to be careful to sit with their legs together and why, they remember and are careful.

Harriet’s daughter had trouble with clothes that shrunk and thus became form-fitting. Harriet was in a quandary since they couldn’t afford to buy all new clothes. She had to teach her that tight-fitting clothing can give the wrong message to a guy, that the wearer has loose morals. Gradually, Harriett and her daughter both learned to hang their clothes to dry, rather than let them go through the dryer.

I found a great way to teach my little girls modesty. If ever I found a picture of a princess dressed immodestly, I simply took out a marker and “altered” her dress. We added sleeves to the sleeveless gowns and we drew in higher necklines. The Princesses looked fine, and the principle was taught!

I was reading a children’s book to my young son and didn’t care for the two-piece swimsuits that some of the characters wore. Since the book belonged to us, I got out markers again and filled in the bare tummies, and added straps to the swimsuits without. On coloring books and on a CD cover I did the same—making the clothing modest by coloring in sleeves or neck lines. While I did this, letting my son or daughter help, I explained that we needed to make these clothes modest. Since our bodies are sacred, I taught, we need to cover them. My very young kids then knew what our standard was, and they knew the word “modest” as well.

Tara found a swimsuit that she loved, but was simply too low-cut. She purchased an inexpensive cami that matched the swimsuit and used the top front of it to sew across the neckline as a modesty shield. The alteration left her much more comfortable and taught her daughters a sermon without her saying anything!

For a Young Women’s Personal Progress project, Mari’s daughter Becky decided to purchase some inexpensive clothing at Deseret Industries and remake it to be modest. She added sleeves by connecting a tank top to a t-shirt underneath. She added a panel to the top or a strip on the bottom of a skirt. When she was done Becky asked the Activity Day girls to model her modest clothes in a Modesty Fashion show put on by the Young Women. They also had modest prom dresses modeled, as well as Sunday dresses and casual dress. Afterward, Becky donated the clothes back to DI, so more girls could have modest clothes. She and the other young women learned that they could do the same to their own clothes.

Tima and Joy were trying to figure out how to teach the Young Women in their class about dressing modestly without offending them. They didn’t want to put them on the spot or make them feel funny about what they were wearing! The Spirit helped them decide to: 1. Teach specifically from the words of the prophets, then 2. Tell the girls, “We know it is hard to find clothes that fit and still are modest! So we want to offer to help you alter clothes that you are uncomfortable wearing because they are just a bit immodest. Both of us sew,” they went on, “we can help you raise a shoulder seam to make a neckline higher or let out a hem to make a skirt longer.” This way Tima and Joy were on the girls’ side, rather than just the opposition! They could teach specifics but still remain compassionate rather than judgmental.

Marilee and Carrie struggled with one of their Young Women who was a wonderful girl, yet dressed immodestly. They were afraid for this young woman, knowing that she would soon be going out in the world. Struggling with how to teach her, they were prompted to give her the material and ask her to teach it to the others. She did an amazing job teaching the others, and the experience proved to be life-changing for herself.

Swimsuits, too, can be modest—if we moms insist and are willing to search. If we search, we can find one with a cut that is lower on the legs, or covered by swim shorts. You can explain the fronts must not be too low or in danger of showing too much when your daughter moves.

A very important part of wearing a swimsuit is simply covering up when you get out of the pool. Russ and Roseann don’t allow their kids to lounge around outside or in the house in their swimsuit. “In our home we change out of our swimsuits when we’re done swimming,” they insist, “since we want to be modest.” And they lead out by example.

4. Modesty at Dance
Sammi was perplexed about how to keep her daughters modest at dance class. First, she chose a dance studio that emphasized modesty. She asked about their costumes up front. She looked at some of the pictures of past recitals to see what the dancers wore. She let them know this was important to her. Sammi’s daughters were blessed to find a studio director that valued modesty and adopted BYU standards in dance clothes as closely as possible.

If girls are well-trained in modesty, then they will lead out when a change is needed. We can teach them to notice: "I feel uncomfortable in this outfit." Talk over situations that come up, and let them help you decide.

Janna felt that a dance costume is in some ways like a swimsuit. A swimsuit is worn to facilitate swimming. A dance costume also fills a need for freer movement in dance. But just as they insisted that their kids all change out of them as soon as they finished swimming, they also changed out of their dancewear as soon as it was no longer necessary and in order to be modest. After dance class is over the girls covered up with a sweat jacket and warm-ups or changed. Further, Janna felt that when practicing dance, skimpiness is not necessary, but only clothes that allow movement. So her girls chose leotards that covered them better than other choices. Then, when there was no choice, i.e., a recital costume, they wore it only during the time necessary and covered up afterward. This showed their commitment to dressing modestly.

Tanya did not care for the skinny straps on her daughter's dance costume. So she offered to alter them for all the dancers in that particular number. All that sewing was quite an effort, but worth it as it taught her daughter--and all the girls--about modesty.

5. Teach them the Young Man’s point of view

Young women need to understand what happens to young men when they view immodesty, that young men get aroused. Explain it carefully to your daughter, armed with the Spirit to help you. And help them see that they don’t want to be the cause of improper thoughts and stimulation. A young man “shouldn't have to ‘hum his favorite hymn’ all day to chase out thoughts that he didn't intentionally invite.” http://www2.byui.edu/Presentations/Transcripts/MiscellaneousAddresses/2001_09_16_Bednarsusan.htm Help them have a healthy view of the wonderful man-and-woman relationship, which is reserved for marriage. Help them see the difference between fleeting infatuation and stimulation versus true love which encourages giving and sacrifice for one another. “Bridle all your passions, that you may be filled with this (true) love,” Alma teaches in Alma 38:12.

An effective mutual activity is to hold a panel discussion in which the young men tell what they like in the girls they choose. In this setting, straight from the young men’s mouths, comes gratitude for modest dress. He often feels relieved to not have to be on guard so much in the presence of a modest girl. How much it means to a girl who is swimming against the current of immodesty, to have a young man thank her for her modest prom dress or even everyday clothes. How much it does for her to see his point of view.

There is a wonderful analogy (see below) of a white flower on a hill, waiting there for the young man that will bravely make the climb to reach her and her high standards. This fine young man will not choose the flower along the roadside that has been trampled and covered with dust. He will risk his life for the precious clean “flower on the hill” for his bride. Teach your girls that we want to attract that type of young man.

Leah purchased a pure white gardenia and showed it to her family for Family Home Evening. Oh, it smelled so good! She let each of her children touch it and feel how soft and nice it was. But by the end of the evening, the flower had wilted, turned brown, and was spoiled. It was a wonderful analogy of saving your affection for marriage and for the one who keep you sweet and clean forever.

“ ‘There is a beauty every girl has, a gift from God as pure as sunlight and sacred as life. It is a beauty that all men love, a virtue that wins all men's souls. That beauty is chastity. Chastity without skin beauty may enkindle the soul. Skin beauty without chastity may enkindle only the eyes. Chastity enshrined in the mold of true womanhood will hold true love eternally.’

“ ‘The flower by the roadside that catches the dust of every traveler is not the one to be admired and seldom is ever plucked. But the one blooming way up on the hillside, protected by the perpendicular cliff, is the flower with the virgin perfume, the one that the boy will almost risk his life to possess’ ” David O. McKay

“Do you girls get the meaning of that last statement? Don't be a flower by the roadside that catches the dust by becoming a plaything for a young man who doesn't appreciate your womanhood. But be like a flower blooming up on the hillside, protected by a high cliff, with your virgin perfume, so that you will be the one whom a fine handsome young man will almost risk his life to possess.

“I say to you girls…beware of the man who comes to you professing that he loves you and then seeks to destroy and rob you of the most precious thing you have in life. No man loves the girl that he wants to harm, and don't you forget it.” http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=400

“If we desire the companionship of the Holy Ghost, we must invite it by dressing modestly. If we desire a temple marriage, we must prepare now by dressing modestly. If we truly consider our body to be a temple of God, we must show our appreciation for this precious gift by dressing modestly. If we desire to honor the Priesthood of God and those who hold that priesthood, we must dress modestly. And though we have discussed mostly outward appearance tonight, we need to remember that modesty encompasses much, much more. It involves the mind, the body, the heart, thought, language, dress, and behavior. It is an identifying characteristic of who we are. Modesty is truly about reverencing womanhood.” http://www2.byui.edu/Presentations/Transcripts/MiscellaneousAddresses/2001_09_16_Bednarsusan.htm