Preventing
Pornography
Just like we
fortify our little soldiers with armor to guard them as they go out into the
world, we also must guard carefully what comes in to our fortress homes. “Be a Lioness at Door,” is how Julie B. Beck
puts it, fierce in our determination to let nothing enter our homes that we
don’t want there!
Our goal is
to make our homes a safe haven, where all is wholesome and where things outside
it can be talked about openly.
Ideas
Families Have Tried:
1. Courage to set limits. Be consistent, and it will get easier. Be persistent in making sure that each device
has filters.
Dalia sat
down with her kids and showed them just what to do if ever anything
inappropriate ever popped up on the computer.
“See this button here,” she said, pointing to the off button on the
front of their screen, “Just push this, quick as you can!” Even on the computers at school you have to
be careful and ready, Dalia told them.
She had overheard of some incidents at the elementary school in which
the kids had inadvertently accessed something inappropriate, despite the
filters and blocks. “Push the button
quick,” she told them, “then go tell the teacher. It’s okay to not do the assignment, if you
need to turn off something bad.” “And be
sure to always tell us what
happened,” added Rick, assuring them that he and Dalia always wanted to protect
them.
2. Vigilance in checking up on what they are
watching and games they are playing.
We must be
sticklers about the content of the TV, movies, music, and internet. We must check out ahead of time what is
actually in that movie and turn off the inappropriate. It is a huge example to our families. “Children learn what they live.” (poem by
Dorothy Law Nolte”)
Steve and Cindy felt like they couldn’t
allow their kids to do sleepovers. It
was just too risky to chance an image on an unmonitored screen or devise to
impose itself on them. Though their kids
might grumble, they knew they couldn’t take that risk. Many a youngster has had a first look at
pornography at a sleepover. So Steve and
Cindy insisted that in the dark of night, parental guard must rule.
Tasha and
Dave insist that in their home that they keep ALL computers and screens in the
Family room only. At first, Tasha found
it hard to make a place for all the family’s media in the family room where it
was visible and accountability could be enforced. She loved to do her computer time in her
bedroom! But she decided it was more
important to her to protect her loved ones with her example. She and Dave set up a table desk in the
family room pathway where all electronics could be set up. Once a friend came over and innocently
started setting up a computer in another room to have her tech-y son help him
fix it. No, Dave corrected them, move
these into the family room area only.
What’s more, they counseled with their kids and made it be a strict
family policy that the only internet usage was to be in that room with an adult
present. Their 16-year old, somewhat
grudgingly at first, would bring his smart phone in there, to watch YouTube
videos or programs he wanted to watch. Because the family policy had been
explained to him well, he complied. Tasha was so grateful that the younger ones
saw his example. It was totally worth
the safety of her family to do all computer time there!
Tasha felt
pressure to put a second TV in the basement of her home. “No,” she insisted, with lion-like firmness,
“I can’t monitor what the kids turn on down there. Our only TV must be in my view!” It was that important to her. Gradually, the
other members of her family respected that righteous desire as well.
Van and
Marta discovered that as their kids got older, their games switched from a
large screen to a handheld screen. It
was much harder to monitor. They had to
make an effort to talk to their kids about what they were playing and be aware
of just what the kids were filling their minds with. The Hardy’s had long allowed games to be
played on a long drive, but it used to be that these games were a handheld
Yahtzee or Tetris game, whereas the iPod games were now being played in the
back seats. Van and Marta knew that a
family talk about what they were filling their minds with was essential. Along with their parental vigilance, the
filters had to become internal.
There are more and more risky apps
available. Most are anonymous and
secretive. “Short term posts that can be
deleted immediately can lead to bullying or inappropriate content.”
“Don't ban apps just for
the sake of banning apps or you may have a revolution on your hands. But be
aware of what apps your youth are using, how it's affecting their gospel study
time, school time, mutual time, and family time.
3. Choice of what they take into their
minds. Internal Control is by far the
best! If a child knows well from early
on that he or she is a Child of God, it follows that what he or she chooses to
allow inside will be more God-like.
There is a
wonderful song that teaches kids to be careful about what they take into their minds
and selves. “Stand Up, Walk Away!”
written by Janice Kapp Perry and Joy Saunders Lundberg, teaches about closing
books, turning off TV, and having the courage to walk out of a bad movie. My kids learned actions to it years ago and
still love to sing this catchy song. What
a valuable message it has about filling our minds with goodness: “Whatever you
do, becomes you!” this marvelous song
teaches. http://yourldsmusicstore.com/store/3178/For-the-Strength-of-Youth#.U9jwqPldWSo.
My Favorite Idea:
From the
time my kids are very little, I teach them about “The Eagle.” It is a wonderful tool to have on hand
whenever something inappropriate comes into view. Whether it is a billboard, a picture on
media, or a person dressed immodestly, they can use the Eagle! “When you see something bad,” I teach them,
“in your mind, turn it immediately into an Eagle—one that is soaring quickly
past. Follow that eagle with your head,
and turn quickly away from the bad scene.
Then, you can regroup and get the thought quickly from your heads, as
you watch that Eagle fly away! Or you can focus on the new thing in your view! It will
especially help you when you are a missionary!” Periodically, I remind them and ask if they
are following the Eagle. “Oh yes!” they
invariably reply. It is a valuable tool
to have ready! (If only King David had
known about following the Eagle!)
4.
The Rod of Iron: Holding Tight to the Word of God. Great power and protection comes from reading
the scriptures—especially the Book of Mormon—together. If we can get our children—and us—to Hold
Tight to the Iron Rod, we will all better find our way through the dark mists
and avoid the fiery darts. We will
develop abiding testimonies as well as protection from the world.
“I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from
the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their
children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all
who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and
consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart.
Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will
be more responsive and submissive to the counsel of their parents.
Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity—the pure love of
Christ—will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy,
and happiness.”Marion G. Romney (Ensign, May 1980, p.67) https://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/11/the-book-of-mormon-keystone-of-our-religion
5. The Big
Talks. And the little talks.
We
must Talk and Listen. We need to ask our
children regularly about their exposure to things and their use of electronics. A scheduled interview will be a huge
deterrent from slipping into the inappropriate. (See Interviews on a separate post.)
Along with the formal asking, we must do the casual asking too. Listen carefully. And, as the church website directs, watch for
changes in behavior that might be red flags. ghttp://overcomingpornography.org/spouses-and-families?lang=eng Children must be taught about intimacy and a good
source for how to is the church publication “A Parent’s Guide.”
https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng&query=
M. Russell Ballard counsels fathers
and sons—which definitely applies to mothers and daughters as well,
“Dare to have the “big talks” with your sons. You know what I
mean: talks about drugs and drinking, about the dangers of today’s media—the
Internet, cyber technologies, and pornography—and about priesthood worthiness,
respect for girls, and moral cleanliness. While these should not be the only
subjects you talk about with your sons, please don’t shy away from them. Your
boys need your counsel, guidance, and input on these subjects. As you talk
about these very important matters, you will find that the trust between you
will flourish.
“I am especially concerned that we communicate openly and
clearly with our sons about sexual matters. Your sons are growing up in a world
that openly embraces and flaunts early, casual, and thoughtless promiscuity.
Your sons simply cannot avoid the blatant sexual imagery, messages, and
enticements that are all around them. Fathers and Church leaders need to have
open and frequent discussions that teach and clarify how young men of the
priesthood handle this issue. Be positive about how wonderful and beautiful
physical intimacy can be when it happens within the bounds the Lord has set,
including temple covenants and commitments of eternal marriage. Studies show
that the biggest deterrent to casual sexual activity is a wholesome attitude
that connects such personal relationships with genuine commitment and mature
love. Fathers, if you have not had this “big talk” with your sons, please do
so, and do it soon. M. Russell Ballard
October 09 https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/fathers-and-sons-a-remarkable-relationship?lang=eng
Tom and Sarah were interviewing their kids quite regularly, when Tom asked Sarah, "I want you to ask me regularly too, about my cell phone usage." So Sarah agreed that on the first Sunday of every month, she would ask him. Then she told Tom, "Once a month, I want you to ask me if I am living a transparent life."
Their marriage was important enough to them, to have the safeguard of Accountability!
(More about the Special Talks in a future post.)
6. Parenting
Style. Look over our parenting style, to
make sure we parent our children with both accountability and warmth. Kids desperately need limits and to be
accountable, and they just as desperately need our kindness and tenderness.
A recent study (while focusing on drinking, also
applies to other addictions) found that:
"*The teens least prone to heavy drinking had
parents who scored high on both accountability and warmth.
"*Teens with “indulgent” parents, those low on
accountability and high on warmth, had triple the risk of heavy drinking.
"*Teens with “strict” parents – high on
accountability and low on warmth – were more than twice as likely to engage in
heavy drinking." It was also detrimental
to kids if parents were too Authoritative.
BYU sociology professors Steve Bahr and John Hoffmann http://news.byu.edu/archive10-jun-parentingstyle.aspx
7. Wholesome love.
One of the
greatest deterrents to pornography is wholesome family love at home. We parents would do well to shower our family members with hugs and kisses and to fill our homes with words of
endearment, praise, and encouragement.
We can express love in many different ways, giving them evidence of our
love and sacrifice for them. What’s
more, we must show them our wholesome love for each other: let them see Dad sweep Mom off her feet in a
huge hug and see Mom plant a juicy kiss right on Dad’s lips. In front of them, we should use words of
kindness and affection to each other, thus letting them see that marriage is
sweet and good.
When Lola
found that she was dwelling too much on the negative in the world, she began to
add time to their schedule for having fun together and creating happy
memories. She began to smile at her kids
a lot more. Rather than leave them
alone, she tried to take them with her more often and to turn getting gas into
an adventure There is a lot of good in
the world, she reassured her kids, and they could focus more on finding the
good in this world to talk about.
Mike and Marcie
had already raised most of their kids, and were getting more tired as the years
went by. They were ready for bed earlier
than in previous years. But one night,
when Marcie had already climbed in and Mike was reading the scriptures before
he turned in, one of their kids showed up in their room. There was really no reason, she just stood
there at the doorway. Soon, her younger
brother came in, too—only he pounced on the bed. Annoyed, Marcie shooed him off, and whisked
the kids off to bed. But later, as she
thought about it, she remembered what a security had come to her as a child, in
her own Mom and Dad’s room and on her Mom and Dad’s bed. She and Mike both knew
that and had carried on many a great conversation in their bed with an uneasy
child in between them. “You know,”
Marcie commented to Mike, “rather than shoo them away, I should have snuggled
them up to me and told them a story from my childhood or just let them lie here
a minute.” She knew that she should already have known that, but also that
parents must constantly be learning and relearning and continually be listening
to the Spirit. She hoped that the kids
would stop by her bedroom before bed again soon and she would do better to
fortify them with peace and love, even if she were tired.
Along with being fearless as a lion about what
we will allow in our homes, we must be diligent about the expressions of
warmth, kindness and love to all members of our fortress homes.
Upcoming post:
Hope for those already caught in addiction.
Labels: Children--Protecting against Pornography, Teenagers--Preventing Pornography
