Ideas For My Pocket: a Support Group for Families: The First Time I Ask

Sheryl had asked her child multiple times to please turn off the computer. Then, she said, “I expect you to get off the computer the first time I ask.” When she said this, he got off.
“It's amazing how different every child is,” she told me, “and how different parenting works for each one.”

If we wait and catch one of our kids responding the first time we call, we can

praise him up and down for doing that! The approval will be a message to him,

as well as to siblings around that heard the lavish praise of what we desire and

Every parent struggles to teach his child to obey. We can, and often do, force them to do what we say. However, it is so much better if they choose to obey. Waiting until your child has chosen on her own to do what we have been asking her to do, then praising her righteous choice, is the best way to reinforce obedience. It is totally worth the wait. If you have been teaching Johnny not to eat with his mouthful and why (we can’t understand you, and food can spray out of your mouth, etc), if you wait and catch Johnny talking at the table with his mouth empty of food and praise him for following your counsel, the positive is reinforced. If, on the other hand, you continue to notice every time Johnny talks with his mouth full, you are reinforcing that behavior by giving it attention. Johnny thinks, “this is what I do,” and may just continue to do it. “Teach correct principles and let them govern themselves,” Joseph Smith taught. This way, a child tells himself, “Yes, I am a good kid. I did make a good choice, and I got praise for it. I like this!”

“Tammy, you did your homework without even being asked! How responsible of you. You must be growing up!” does infinitely more for Tammy, then taking it as your job to hound her daily to do it. She has made the choice herself, and she thinks of herself as a responsible person.

Make sure we are responding to our kids the first time they call. This will make a difference.

As we learned from Attachment research, children who repeatedly call out and do not get a response over and over can become apathetic or overly-anxious, even explosive. Not that we need to be their servants, but just that we need to acknowledge that they spoke to us.

“I’ll help you in a minute,” is a great response.

Logan wanted his mother’s help right now! “You have to come help me!” he exclaimed. Patsy didn’t like being ordered around like that! She simply replied, “Try it over.” So Logan began again, like he’d been taught, “Will you please come help me?” “Sure!” Patsy could then respond. She hadn’t needed to scold, or give attention to the first response, but just gently remind her son to come up with a better way to say the same thing.

3--Back up

The other parent can provide Back Up, to gently remind a child to obey the fist time. "Please pick up your shoes," one parent will ask. "OK, Mom (Dad)!" the other will prompt. The child has a reminder from a different source, to quickly obey.

The Bradley's use that idea, and it has become a habitual response. After many such promptings, the OK Mom/OK Dad is in their heads automatically after a request. It helps fight the natural lazy responer! Louanne also likes to reinforce the idea of quickly obeying with a Primary Song: "When my mother calls me, quickly I obey..." Primary Songbook #197 https://www.lds.org/music/library/childrens-songbook/quickly-ill-obey?lang=eng Both are ways to fill the child's brain with obedient responses.

4--Let them Exercise Free Agency in other ways.

All human beings have a need to exercise their gift of free agency. Even Grandmother, who is 94, has a need to show that she is a person with her own will and her own ideas to govern herself. In her narrow existence, in which she cannot see well, nor hear well, nor remember much, she will choose not to eat, if that is the only choice given her! So we must work to give her more choices.

Children should be given as many choices as possible. Of course, some choices must be within certain parameters--such as curfews or family rules or safety. But we can let them choose what to wear, what sport to do, what activity/game to choose, what to have for dinner, what musical instrument to play. They can choose what movie to watch, as long as it is of good report.

When my son tells me "I'm not coming" (he doesn't always appreciate all the sports events, meets, and concerts we attend and wants to stay home with Grandmother and her caregiver), I try to respond, "I'm not going to make you go, but I hope you'll choose to come with me." And usually, he will follow me to the car. But if not, I will let him stay home. Last week, I let him choose to stay home from the grocery store, as long as he called me every 15 minutes.

If a child does not feel she is using her free agency enough, she may choose to use it not to respond the first time.

With one child in particular, Ben and Heidi realized that he needed more choices instead of them just telling him what to do and when to do it. They started trying to give him at least two options (do you want to shower tonight or in the morning?) instead of just telling him what they wanted. He has responded well to that approach.

Their youngest two kids, however, liked praise and attention best. Heidi started using one as an example for the other: when one responded right away, he got praise and his answer became the encouragement for the other. Heidi was holding up the action, but stopped short of comparing the kids. “That’s great!” was her message, not “He’s great (and you’re not!”)

Jeffrey R. Holland taught, "Try not to compare your children, even if you think you are skillful at it. You may say most positively that ‘Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright,’ but all Susan will remember is that she isn’t bright and Sandra that she isn’t pretty. Praise each child individually for what that child is, and help him or her escape our culture’s obsession with comparing, competing, and never feeling we are ‘enough.’” https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/the-tongue-of-angels?lang=eng

5. Teach the Doctrine

In a Family Home Evening setting, teach obedience and honoring parents from the scriptures. "The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than talking about behavior will improve behavior,” taught Boyd K. Packer. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1997/04/washed-clean?lang=eng Spell out to them your expectation that they obey the first time they are asked, in practice for obeying God that way too. The FHE setting is perfect because no one is singled out, the doctrine is taught, and parents are also learning to be obedient (and to honor their parents too).

6. Other Factors. We parents would do well to be aware of other things that may influence why a child did not obey and give her the benefit of the doubt. Could she have not heard you or not understood you? Was she preoccupied or upset about something else?

Carrie and her son Caleb were visiting in the Jones’ house, when Caleb announced that he had to go to the bathroom. He knew where it was so he headed in that direction. “Ask Mrs. Jones if you can use the bathroom, Caleb,” prompted Carrie. “What?!” said Caleb. It had never occurred to him to ask that. He paused a minute in dismay then started to leave again. Carrie prompted again, “It’s good to ask before using someone’s bathroom.” But Caleb still didn’t say the words. Fortunately, Carrie, though somewhat embarrassed by her son’s lack of manners, realized that this caught Caleb off guard, that he was likely embarrassed himself, talking about it in front of Mrs. Jones, and that it would be better to bring it up in private before she expected him to follow through and say the words. Caleb was one that never liked to be forced, and so she realized that she must explain it well enough for him to choose to politely ask next time. Though she could have become angry at her son’s blatant lack of obedience, instead she gave him the benefit of the doubt, knew he was still a good kid, and decided to patiently wait until he was thoroughly taught before expecting this new behavior.

7. The Answer is more Love.

"If you can only convince your children that you love them, that your soul goes out to them for their good, that you are their truest friend, they, in turn, will place confidence in you and will love you and seek to do your bidding and to carry out your wishes with your love."

"But if you are selfish, unkindly to them, and if they are not confident that they have your entire affection, they will be selfish, and will not care whether they please you or carry out your wishes or not, and the result will be that they will grow wayward, thoughtless and careless." Joseph F. Smith https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-joseph-f-smith/chapter-33?lang=eng