Ideas For My Pocket: a Support Group for Families: Getting Up the Courage to have those Special Talks

I was wondering why it was so hard for me to talk about sex, but then I realized that in my home all of growing up, I am pretty sure I never heard or said the word Sex. Fortunately, I had a wonderful example of loving parents, so that when my cousin gave me misinformation at a young age, my response was, “My parents would never do that!”

Many of us parents are probably in that same mind-set, timid about talking about these things. We learned and grew up okay, but the world is a different place now!

“Children and youth receive so many toxic and distorted messages about sexual intimacy. The home is the ideal place to teach them. It's up to parents to teach them plainly and boldly.” “The world emphasizes sex as just a physical experience. The gospel teaches, if in within the proper bounds of marriage, it's a unifying of the body and the spirit.” www.lds.org/media-library/video/family-conversations

So there we have it. We parents need to be plain and bold. We need to set up Timely and Effective Special Talks with our kids to give them correct information and good attitudes.

1. When do we have these Special Talks?

A Parent’s Guide https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng is a fabulous tool to help us with these things. It suggests “letting the child set the pace,” and “when they are ready.” Some kids ask us questions. Others use a shocking bad word to tell us they need to know more. Others are embarrassed and shy. We can deal matter-of-factly and sensitively in each of these cases.

The ideal is to understand four different stages of growth and development that need (at least) four different talks: Infants/Toddlers age 0-3 years; Children aged 4-11; Adolescents aged 12-18; and Courtship and Marriage.

We start with the very basics and then add more as the child is ready, “in a layered fashion.” (Family Conversations) Like layered clothing, teachings can be added on top of each other when the child is ready. “Parents should never drive their children, but lead them along, giving them knowledge as their minds are prepared to receive it.” Said Brigham Young. (PG p. 11) Kids learn so much daily, by just watching our interactions with each other as husband and wife! Actually, they learn the most from what we are.

Roberta and her husband had already had a Special Talk with several of her children as they became ready. But Garrett was different. He just didn’t seem ready for the burden of these things. Roberta watched him carefully, knowing that she wanted to be his first source of information, but felt restrained. When it came time for the health and development presentation at school, Roberta had always prayed about them and felt to have her children go ahead and attend them, then come to her with any questions. In fact, her kids would have felt really embarrassed to be kept behind from the presentations. Not so with Garrett. He asked if he could please do the alternative activity. This time when she prayed, Roberta felt good about letting him wait. She questioned her Garrett to see if he ever was exposed to any confusing information about sex, and he quickly said No. So she let a year go by before she and her husband felt like he was at last ready.

2. How can I set a good Climate for Special Talks?

“Love can free our youth to listen to those whom they know they can trust!” (PG p. 15) A peaceful, secure climate is therefore the best.

Open Communication already set in place is a huge benefit. Kids “need to report.” Just as the Savior constantly checked in with His Father in prayer, our kids need to talk to us about their successes, get comfort about their failures, and talk over their lives. “It is impossible to overestimate the blessings a child receives who is able to report in some manner to interested, patient, and accepting parents.” (PG p. 15)

Mark and I establish communication lines by having monthly interviews with each of our kids. Each child knows he will have a monthly talk with one of us, and he even knows what questions he will be asked, as we have a typed up sheet. In addition to asking about their behavior and obedience, we also open it up to “What’s on your mind?” as well as expressing our love. With this interview time set in place, there is already Talks going on, and each child is more comfortable when it is time for a Special Talk.

Ideally, two unified parents are present at a Special Talk. In our talks, Mark is the one who is more open and comfortable explaining. My job is to reassure and watch the child’s expression. I might even signal to Mark when it’s time to stop for now, and tell more at the next one. We make sure to tell our children that if they ever have questions, to please come to us. Others may not give them correct or moral information, and so we are there when they need to talk.

The Henderson’s like to divide up the responsibilities for more detailed Special Talks. Marta talks to the girls, who are less embarrassed talking with her about menstruation, for example, rather than Tom. Tom talks to the boys, who are less embarrassed talking about private parts to him, than if mom were there. Their early Special Talks about our bodies being special and modest, etc. were comfortable with both parents there.

We want well-adjusted, secure children who are taught the truth, and therefore can enter into happy relationships. We want them to develop healthy attitudes and to be able to learn self-control and self-restraint. We need to trust them as much as possible, and expect the best.

Infants & Toddlers: Birth to Age 3

The “Special Talk” for this age group is simply about being thankful for the wonderful body that Heavenly Father gave to us. Whichever gender they are is just right, and they should feel good about being male or female. We can teach the value of loving and being loved. Healthy habits can begin to be engendered.

Pam tried so hard to teach her little boy what to watch out for when he was going to start kindergarten, that he was scared to go!! Her friend Leslie, upon hearing that, decided to couch her warnings within stories. Every night, she thought up a challenge her kindergartener might face, ie someone who wants him to cheat, and told about two fictional kids, one who handled it well, and one who didn’t and felt bad about it. Her child could examine the issue and resolve how he would handle that. Leslie also found a wonderful, fun resource for teaching personal safety: Safety Kids http://www.britekids.com/products/safety-kids-1-personal-safety.

The Special Talk for this age group is teaching sexuality “as they become ready to learn” (PG p. 23) As our children grew and began to ask where babies come from, Mark and I would tell them about the Special Tunnel a mother has, where one part from the mother and one part from the father come together in a wonderful way, so a new baby can start to grow in Mommy's tummy! For us, this was a good way to describe what happens before they are ready for more accurate terms.

Later, as they were ready, we taught them more. For a concise summary of the processes of human sexuality and development of a baby in the womb, including accurate terms, see page 30 of A Parent’s Guide. https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng

It is important for parents to teach about sexuality. Our kids cannot avoid hearing about it in today’s world, and what they hear is most often about the world’s abuse of the power of procreation. Accurate and morally correct information falls to us parents to teach.

Kids generally believe the first thing they are told. And by about age 11, they stop believing what we teach at face value—they question it or rethink it. So NOW, age 4-11 is the best time to teach the truth, taking care to wait until a child is ready.

Joshua was so grateful that his parents took him aside a few days before the Sex education video was to be presented at school. “Dad told me how special and sacred it is, to be able to conceive a new life." Then, at school, when all the other boys started laughing, I knew that that was not appropriate. If this was so sacred to Dad, I didn’t want to laugh. The talk helped me have the right attitude.

Do not feel that you need to refer to your own relationship as an example. It is best when you “draw a veil between the children regarding private, intimate life. This is not a veil of fear or disgust, but one by which the body and its functions are robed in modesty and honor.” (see PG p. 30)

Adolescents: Age 12-18

The Special Talk at this age is about preparing for Puberty. It is an exciting time, that they will be able to be a Mom or Dad someday! Help your teen deal with all the changes, and feel like he or she is OK.

Teach that our bodies are good, not to be abused in any way. They are temples for our spirits. 1 Cor. 3:16-17

Cammi’s dad wisely asked her: “Why did Heavenly Father it so our bodies can have a baby at this time of our life, but are not supposed to yet?” He then helped her with one answer: This is the time of life for learning to control our bodies’ sexual abilities.

“Masturbation is considered by many in the world to be the harmless expression of an instinctive sex drive. Teach your children that the prophets have condemned it as a sin throughout the ages and that they can choose not to do it... Masturbation is not physically necessary. There is already a way” the body takes care of excess fluid. (PG p. 36)

Teach total morality. Virtuous behavior leads to self-esteem, peaceful feelings, and a knowledge of what's right; carnal behavior leads to misery, unhappiness, and loss of the desire to do right.

Adolescence is actually a time for Spiritual Power. Teens can learn to rely on the Spirit to help guide them into a pure and happy life, filled with peace and understanding. “Parents often give far too much negative counsel to their teenagers. While it is true that you must solemnly warn your teenagers against all types of sin, you should place more emphasis upon the goodness of growing up. Teach your children that it is good to mature and that adolescence can be filled with beauty and power. Praise them for their spiritual development and maturity. Teach them also of Jesus, Joseph who was sold into Egypt, Moroni, Joseph Smith, and others who were teenagers when they began their ministries. These great leaders developed the foundations of their spiritual strength during their teenage years, and your teenagers can do the same.” (PG p. 42)

Rachel taught her teens by including in her prayers, “Help us to keep the Spirit in our homes and with us, and to do nothing to offend it.” It was a good reminder to give her kids as he sent them off into their day.

Keep them busy serving others, and missionary-minded. Consider this powerful statement: “When youthful boys and girls are given family, Church, and civic service opportunities, they readily develop a sense of responsibility. This vital process has far more to do with developing sexual virtue than does sex education.” (PG p. 42)

Mature: Courtship & Marriage

Carley and Sam were excited to be engaged. Sam was wise when he suggested that their focus during the engagement be on the temple. Carley was soon to be going through the temple for the first time, so she and Sam read together the temple preparation manual and attended the class. It wasn’t until after that experience, just days before the wedding that they finally allowed themselves to read and talk about their upcoming wedding night experience, and about each other’s expectations. They felt that any earlier would just increase their curiosity too early and take away from the temple experience. Carley and Sam knew that their experience would be a journey for the two of them to work out together.

Special Talk can be full of reassurance and practical advice. Accountability is often a help to the engaged couple. Dan asked his daughter and fiancé, “How can I help you at this important time?” Sallyann’s reply was, “Have us check in with you once a week. Every Monday night, we’ll report on being appropriate in our relationship all week.” Knowing they were going to report helped keep them from danger and temptation.

Have the courage to talk to your kids about important special things, and growing up. Provide the first information they receive on sex, that is accurate and moral, as soon as they are ready. Help them prepare for a happy, fulfilled life ahead!