Ideas For My Pocket: a Support Group for Families: King Benjamin's Formula for Conquering Contention

“He took my piece!” “No, I didn’t!!” “Yes, you did! Momm!!!!” My family was having way too much contention! How I longed for peace in my home! So for Family Home Evening, we focused completely on Contention, and avoiding it. Strangely, that week I noticed quite a bit more contention!! What had we done wrong?

I learned from Boyd K. Packer that “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.” (Ensign November 1986, p. 16) Rather than study Contention, the next week we studied Peace, and the way to find it.

While reading in the Book of Mormon, I discovered something wonderful! King Benjamin had a problem in his kingdom with contention, as Mormon tells us in Words of Mormon, “this king Benjamin—he had somewhat of contentions among his own people.” (Words of Mormon 1:12) He then spells out, step by step, how the king rid the kingdom of all contention! There it was: a formula for ridding our “kingdom” of contention as well, replacing it with love and loyalty.

“We call upon parents to devote their best efforts to the teaching and rearing of their children in gospel principles which will keep them close to the Church. The home is the basis of a righteous life, and no other instrumentality can take its place or fulfill its essential functions in carrying forward this God-given responsibility.

“We counsel parents and children to give highest priority to family prayer, family home evening, gospel study and instruction, and wholesome family activities.”
The First Presidency: Gordon B. Hinckley, Thomas S. Monson, James E. Faust (letter, 11 Feb. 1999; printed in the Ensign, June 1999, 80).

2. Fight evil. It may seem strange that a formula for stopping contention in the family would talk so much about fighting. But there is, today, a constant battle raging for souls. We must fight evil. Mormon tells us that King Benjamin “did stand against them.” (verse 13) He took a definite stand against evil. His people were not uncertain as to their leader’s convictions. We are likewise counseled, “no child in this Church should be left with uncertainty about his or her parents’ devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ, the Restoration of His Church, and the reality of living prophets and apostles…” Jeffrey R. Holland, (Ensign, Nov. 2003, p. 85-86).

In verse 14, King Benjamin and his people fight “in the strength of the Lord.” Throughout the Book of Mormon, the Lord provides the strength for battle. Family prayer for strength to stand against evil is sorely needed in our day of deception and deceit. Promptings of the Holy Ghost also provide the strength of the Lord. Whenever voices are raised, however, the Holy Ghost departs. Therefore, we would do well to teach our families President Hinckley’s counsel to “lower our voices a few decibels” (Ensign, Nov. 2002, p. 99) and also work to do so ourselves, since we want and need the help of the Holy Ghost in our home.

3. Drive out all Enemies. The Nephites proceed to “contend against the Lamanites” (verse 14) “until they had driven them out of all the lands of their inheritance.” For us, the land of our inheritance is our home. We must fight until we drive out all the tools of the enemy from our home. Relief Society General President, Julie B. Beck warned mothers, “Sisters, fight!…We cannot sit and act like victims. This is the work of a determined adversary, and we have to take responsibility for defending our homes.” (May 1, 2009 talk in Women’s Conference “Nourishing and Protecting the Family”)

For several verses, Mormon spells out all the various enemies that must be driven from the land of our inheritance:

“False Christs.” “Their mouths had been shut.” (verse 15)

“False Prophets.” (verse 16)

“False Preachers and teachers among the people.” (verse 16)

What could the equivalent to these be in our day in our homes? We decided that it meant false ideas taught on TV and in movies. We limited more carefully TV time, not allowing surfing, and only had trusted channels available. We put in place family policies about movies and ratings and made sure our family’s only computers were in a well-trafficked area for all to see. Internet usage was also monitored carefully.

False ideas are sometimes taught at school. We try to talk about what is being taught at school, in order to correct the false ideas. We carefully choose each teacher, “trust(ing) no man to be your teacher..., except he be a man of God, walking in his ways and keeping his commandments.” (Mosiah 23:14) When a man or woman of God was not to be found, then that teacher’s philosophies were not to be trusted. In our prayers, we ask that our children will shun the evil and embrace the good that is taught them.

Are there false ideas taught on computer or video games? One notion, often a part of such games I’ve noticed, is that several “lives” are given a certain participant. Do the very young children who play these “family” games learn to “kill” and then up pops another “life”? Do they inadvertently learn that “killing” means success? Do they learn to think of killing as no big deal, since there is another life? How sinister is Satan in so deceptively captivating his main opponents—the future missionary force—in games that make killing more and more literal and great fun! M. Russell Ballard warned against media that “assaults the senses and batters the soul with messages and images that are neither virtuous, nor lovely, nor of good report, nor praiseworthy.” He urges family councils to “limit the amount of time our children watch TV or play video games or use the Internet…Virtual reality must not become their reality.” (Ensign, Nov. 2003, p. 19)

4. Find truth in the Scriptures. The scriptures are where we find truth. We can teach our children that in this day of illusion and changing thought, reality and truth is in the scriptures. How comforting to be reminded that our Father is unchanging forever and ever. In fact, herein is one of the greatest tools against contention. Marion G. Romney promises: “I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to the counsel of their parents. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity—the pure love of Christ—will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy and happiness. (in Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, p. 89 or in Ensign, May 1980, p. 67) The Book of Mormon gives us power, the power to pause and to be calm a moment before responding, thus making the response a bit more Christ-like.

Mandy found that since her kids were reading so much fantasy, that she had to encourage reading truth. She and Will asked their kids to pick a true book between each fantasy/science fiction one. Whenever Mandy would tell her kids stories from the Bible and Book of Mormon, she would emphasize that this Really Happened. David really slew a giant, and Daniel really spent the night among hungry lions. It is the Truth, not just a story!

Another falsehood so prevalent in our day is often found in the put-downs and sarcasm in our casual language. If you think about it, these are full of untruth. Jesus taught, “Let your communication be, Yea, Yea; Nay, Nay; for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.” (Matthew 5:37) We can teach our families: If you mean yes, say yes. If you mean no, say no. If you mean “I want a turn in the bathroom,” say just that, not “Get out of the bathroom, you blankety, blank. You always take forever!” Actually, “Could I please have a turn in the bathroom?” works fine, and is without the put-down.

How does ridding our lives of false ideas stop contention? When we are careful to root out falsehoods and the teachings of Satan, peace and truth can prevail. Further, if parents work to engender a feeling in our homes of loyalty, it becomes Us against Them (Satan and his lies) instead of Us against Each Other.

5. Get Help. King Benjamin then gets help in his cause. Mormon tells us that he uses “the assistance of the holy prophets who were among his people” (Words of Mormon 1:16). He uses the current prophets, as well as past prophets’ words found in scripture. We can hear these at conference, and refer to them between conferences, using their words to help us teach principles of the gospel. Just last conference, during a talk about the media, my husband and I looked knowingly at each other. The talk had brought both of us a similar prompting regarding our young son.

Mormon then calls the king “a holy man.” We, as parents, looked carefully over our own lives. Were we living the best way we could? Were there things to clear up between us? We have found that teenagers—who sometimes don’t let on that they are listening or paying attention—even they will respect a sincerely good person. If mom and dad are trying their best to be just and holy, apologizing when necessary, their teachings are respected and heard.

It is not easy to rid our homes of contention and fill them with peace. Mormon, in the concluding verse 18, tells us that “with the help of these, king Benjamin, by laboring with all the might of his body and the faculty of his whole soul, and also the prophets, did once more establish peace in the land.” (Words of Mormon 1: 13-18) Did we desire peace in our home with all our heart and enough to labor with our whole soul?

At that point, we decided we must also fill the void, or like the empty house of the Savior’s parable (Matthew 12: 43-45), it will fill with spirits worse than before. When we removed something, we had to replace it with something good. King Benjamin has that answer as well: he “taught them to keep the commandments of God, that they might rejoice and be filled with love towards God and all men.” (Mosiah 2:4) Also, he urged parents, “teach them to love one another and to serve one another.” (Mosiah 4:15) For example, computer lovers can serve by writing letters or doing Family Search indexing to replace more questionable time on the computer. There is the church’s websites for Children and Youth, with much to do and learn. https://www.lds.org/friend or https://www.lds.org/youth?lang=eng Our young people can save souls by doing Family History! https://familysearch.org/

6. The Savior’s Peace. Jesus Christ is the “founder of peace.” (Mosiah 15 :18) The Book of Mormon teaches us to “talk of Christ, ..rejoice in Christ, ..preach of Christ, ..prophesy of Christ…that our children may know what source they may look to for a redemption of their sins.” (2 Ne. 25: 26)

The Tenney family chose to let each of our children choose their favorite 5x7 picture of the Savior. They framed it and added a small plaque that said, “I am His disciple.” It served as a daily reminder of their goal to be like Jesus. The Youngs play uplifting music to keep the Savior constantly in view. He can provide the power and strength to conquer contention, whether it be from sin or disobedience or discord.

On a recent family vacation, our family took a couple of young friends along. Afterward, I heard a report that these friends had told their mom, “There was no fighting!” I wish that were totally true. But maybe we are getting better. Maybe, with more of King Benjamin’s vigilance, we can completely conquer contention and foster peace in our family and home. And, armed with righteousness (1 Ne. 14:14), rather than swords and cimeters, we together can conquer the Enemy and prepare for the Prince of Peace.