Ideas For My Pocket: a Support Group for Families: The Family Policy Book

Our younger children have been easier to raise than our older ones. Yes, we have more experience being parents and better perspective. But we also have a wonderful tool: our Family Policy Book! What a huge help that has been!

I’m not sure where I got the idea for a Family Policy Book, but I think it was from Richard and Linda Eyre, founders of “Joy School” and “Values Parenting.” It is simply a binder that contains the decisions we have already made as to Family Policy. When a question comes up, therefore, about various limits or curfews or policies, everyone can read what has already been decided. So there is no question, and nothing has to be revisited!

In our household, for example, when a child turns 8, he is old enough to have his own pocketknife. When he turns 12, he is old enough to light fires, including birthday candles. Now that it is written down, there is no discussion about each birthday cake to be lit!

1. Start with a Family Council

Kids need limits, and even if they complain, they are much more secure with consistent boundaries. Present the dilemma, and the need for limits. Help the kids see all sides of the issue, and even if reluctant, help them understand the need for limits. Listen to their point of view. Reason with them, and express love and concern. Let them help make decisions and all come to a consensus. Even kids who have earlier curfews can feel good about growing up and getting more freedom, as they earn it.

For Mark and I, it is ideal for us as a couple to have discussed the current topic for family council privately beforehand, to see how we both feel about the issue pending for discussion. If we disagree on it, this was the time to work it out. Then we will have thought out the issue, prayed about it even, and can guide the discussion.

So saying, make sure that you trust your kids as much as possible. Don’t portray the attitude: “I know you’re going to mess up, so we are going to make sure you don’t.” Instead, come across that we care about you. We trust you, as much as you earn it, and as you grow older, we can give you more latitude to do more on your own.

New issues that come up in the family can be brought up at the next family council.

The Hardy’s were suddenly in need of some concrete limits on cell phone usage, when they found that data had been added to their family plan. Though they had discussed computer boundaries, such as using the internet only in the family room, they now had to talk about when and where they could use internet on their cell phones. They decided together to add a filter to phones, and asked the kids to continue and only do internet in the family room, even on phones. The family set limits on playing games on their phones, and what time to stop texting. The one in Junior High was not allowed to take his ipod to school, but could use the various programs he liked at home, within the limits. When the older brother left on a mission, the next one knew it was her turn on the family plan, so she listened carefully to and discussed the limits. All agreed that they didn’t want anything inappropriate to pop up, nor did they want to be too distracted by these devices, but to keep up their love for sports and music.

2. Make decisions carefully. Don’t place limits that are too confining, nor too lenient. Still let the kids feel like they are trusted, while guarding them from danger. This kind of wisdom takes prayer, so make sure that your family council starts with a prayer, and that the Spirit is present as you discuss issues together.

Andrea didn’t always agree with her kids on a topic discussed. But at least, she always emphasized that she was looking out for their safety. They could never question her motives, nor think she had come up with a curfew for her own convenience, for example. Andrea worked to always convince her children how much she truly cared for their well-being. She often prayed over their current dilemmas, and when she came back to them with her answer she’d received from the Lord, it was hard for them to question that! After praying about it, if Andrea still felt uneasy about something, they took it seriously.

In our Family Policy book, there is found at what age a daughter can use make-up or choose if she wants pierced ears; when the kids can get an email account (and that parents can read the emails); our policy on sleepovers (only with cousins). We have a key phrase: “I’m done now” for if ever anyone is in a bad situation and wants a ride home, no questions asked. “Uncle Joe” is also a code word (we don’t have an Uncle Joe) to tell if you are in trouble.

The Dixons were offered the use of their aunt and uncle’s old boat one summer. They wanted to enjoy this opportunity safely and yet, not have the boat be too big of a distraction from their duties. They wanted to promote modesty and safety with this new experience. As part of the next family council, they set some new family policies relating to the boat. BOAT: Only go if we feel good about it. Make sure everyone is safe. Goals: see some neat sights, let everyone learn to drive a boat, teach everyone to water ski. Sunscreen mandatory; Shirts over swimsuits; Life preservers for all. With these guidelines in place, the season with a boat was a successful, happy time for all.

When kids are approaching adulthood, they need to be given more freedom. They will soon have to make these decisions for themselves without you, so give them the chance to use that freedom while still in your home, and learn for themselves to make wise choices. For example, we decided as a family not to watch PG-13 movies. But at age 16, as we wrote in our Family Policy book, “use your own judgment, but we strongly suggest you follow family guidelines.” We have worked to teach them to guard what goes into their minds and to choose only that which is “of good report,” but we feel that there comes a point where they must choose for themselves. We know those kids who were so restricted that once they left home, they made all kinds of poor choices just because now they could! The key is to teach them very young, the reasons for good choices!

3. Write the decisions down. We just use a piece of lined paper to insert in our binder. The sheets are no particular order, mainly just as they occur.

For example, in our family, when you start driving:

After 3 months, you may drive with music on

After 6 months, you may drive with friends in the car

The kids know that we want to limit the distractions until they are more confident drivers. We have pointed out accidents that have occurred to a distracted driver. They know we only want their safety and everyone’s! Though the family members, as they come along, may not like these policies, at least they know that the siblings before had to also go through this, and it was decided on for everyone’s safety. Too, when friends say, "Now that you have your license, you can take us all home!" the new driver can answer, "No, not until I've been driving for six months."

The Adams’ had an issue each Halloween about whether they should stay together as a family or let the kids go out with friends. They talked it over and decided on a Family Policy:

Age 0-11 Stay with family. Visit Grandparents together.

Age 12-15 You can get with friends in the ward boundaries, then join family.

Age 16-18 You can choose to get with friends in a home, but avoid being out in a

car, since there are so many kids around.

Age 18+ Practice what you’ve been taught!

After the Halloween policy was in place, there was never a problem. Each year, someone got out the book and figured out the rules for his or her age. It was already decided, so no one rehashed it!

I have long had a dislike for guns in our home. But with 9 sons, I quickly learned that little boys will turn a piece of bread into a gun! Mark wanted our sons to be good marksmen, in case they ever had to fight in a war for example. But I had heard of accidental shootings when guns were out in a home. I also knew of a young man who had shot virtual guns in games so much, that he didn’t hesitate to shoot a real gun, with tragic consequences. So when we talked this all over in family council, with give and take and lots of reasoning together, this is what we wrote down: “We are builders, not destroyers. Thou shalt not kill is a commandment. There is no repentance for killing. Using a gun to hurt gets in your mindset; it is hard to distinguish reality. We do not hurt people. But we do need to learn strategy and protection and defense. Marshmallow guns, water guns, etc. are not for hurting, so can shoot at people. Other guns shoot at targets. Pretend guns should be for “tag” not “killing.”

So in our home, you can own your own water gun—age 4; sling shots—age 4 (we had to put those in for the little ones); BB guns—age 8 (only after reading all the directions and setting up a safe target); Airsoft or pellet guns—age 12; a

“22”—age 14. After this was all in place, our boys have little interest in guns. Yes, they do play guns (at “bears” or “bees”). But real guns we leave in the attic and we only get out when we go camping and they get their target practicing in! Bottom line is this--I felt much better writing all this down!

In our Family Policy book, we have quite a bit about dating, ie at what age they can do boy/girl activities (14, like the church does), at what age they can double date (16-18), and when they can single date (after missions). We wrote out part of For the Strength of Youth about when it’s okay or not okay to pair off. Our kids can date a person not of our faith one time, then they must invite him or her to church. At my insistence, we added No hitting your date with paint-balls!!

Rarely, but occasionally there might be an exception to the family policy. If extenuating circumstances arise or a special situation, Mom or Dad may make an exception to the policy. When our young scouts had an intense desire to learn to build fires, we altered our policy to allow lighting fires when Dad was there. But they make the decision carefully, and emphasize that this is an exception and it’s rare. For the most part, once something is entered into the book, it stands.

When the issue comes up again, anyone can check the book to see what we decided. Younger siblings are content that they are being treated fairly, as the others had to abide by these policies too. Everyone can feel good that together the family decided the best way to watch over everyone.

I wrote that nothing needed to be rehashed, but actually, sometimes a policy needs to be revisited. When a younger child was not present or doesn't remember the family council that developed a certain family policy, there could arise a need to explain the reasoning and the principle behind that policy. For some, it may not be enough that everyone has had to abide by this rule, but also they may require a detailed explanation, so they can realize the why's behind the rules. Once it has been talked through, each can feel secure and protected.