Teen Guys and Gals want Goodness!

What Do Teenagers need the most?
Goodness!

I was counting up...So far I've raised 9 teenagers, with 3 more currently!  Whew!  I have come to notice through all this is that what teenagers long for most, need the most, and respect the most is simply Goodness! 

Teenage years are tricky.  Teens have this adult body, but aren’t quite ready to be adults!  Struggling to learn to manage themselves, yet they still require boundaries and guidance.  But teenagers are smart these days, and they long for what is genuine, rings true, and is deep down GOOD.

I started pondering my favorite memory with my Mom and my Dad when I was a teenager, time spent doing projects with Mom and late night talks with Dad.  What is your favorite memory?  What will be your teenager’s favorite memory with you?  Chances are, it will be doing something purely and totally Good.

Ideas families have tried:

A.  The best place to get direction on how to raise a teenager?  The temple!  There’s nothing in the way there!  The Lord knows your teenager through and through and He is aware of all the dynamics.  As we ponder in the temple or at some quiet, peaceful place, He can lead us to the ways to love, guide, and earn the trust and respect of our teens.

No matter how much rebellion struggles to surface, teenagers long for goodness.  Deep down, Genuine, No ulterior motive Goodness.  They see through hypocrisy and hate it.  But they also see when we sincerely care and sacrifice for them.  They feel it when we love them deep down, and truly long for their happiness.  So if it is hard to love that not-so-loveable teen, we must “pray with all the energy of heart” to be filled with Christ’s love.  He will give Charity to those who fervently ask, and try their hardest to follow Him.  Moroni 7:48 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/moro/7.45?lang=eng#44  and 1 Corinthians 13.

B.  The best skill we can give our teenagers?   The ability to receive answers to their prayers. 
“The world will teach our children if we do not, and children are capable of learning all the world will teach them at a very young age. What we want them to know five years from now needs to be part of our conversation with them today.”  Rosemary M. Wixom https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/stay-on-the-path?lang=eng Think about that!  If your teen is 13, that means it is the best time now to start talking about when they may start to leave home at 18!  Actually, about age 11, kids quit believing you unequivocally.  “Are you sure?” starts to enter their vocabulary.  We would do well to teach them young!

When her teens were just 13 or 14, or even younger, Eliza start teaching skills they would need to feed, clothe, and care for themselves, such as doing their own laundry, making their own meals, handling their own phone conversations with adults, etc.  And more importantly, she helped them  to practice making their own decisions and getting their own answers to prayers.  Eliza would suggest they make a list of pros and cons about their current dilemma.  Then, after looking over the list, she urged them to choose the option they were leaning toward, and present that to the Lord.  Then, she counseled, ask the Lord if that is right and pay attention to how you feel.  If you feel peace, then you know that way is what to pursue, but if you are confused still, then you know this choice is not the best and to keep working on it. Eliza would pray with them at first, asking how they felt during the prayer, and urging them to look for that peace.  Later on, her kids could do it themselves. Eliza felt so good to think they had developed a skill for their entire life.   (See Doctrine and Covenants 9:7-9)

Teach them to pray about everything. “Tell Him everything that concerns you. He is interested in the most important as well as the most mundane facets of your life.”  Richard G. Scott, in October Conference 2014. Help them find the courage to ask, along with the ability to open their minds and receive.  They will leave home soon, and need to be able to get their own answers and comfort and protection and guidance and peace.  Start young. 

 “True doctrine...will call us back when we go astray.”  Boyd K. Packer taught.  www.lds.org/manual/teaching-no-greater-call-a-resource-guide-for-gospel-teaching/lesson-10-the-power-of-the-word?lang=eng    Especially if they know how to find true doctrine straight from the source.




Valorie felt that as she worked  on getting answers to her own prayer, she should share her experiences with her kids.  She began to let them in on what she was learning, and tell them of times in the past she had received answers.   Our own struggles and victories will be a powerful teacher.

C.  The most important thing they need to know?   Where to turn for help and peace.
They will make mistakes.  Some of them quickly think:  “I blew it.  It’s too late for me.”  Actually, that’s why Jesus suffered and died for us!  So we CAN make mistakes, and then Repent.

“And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.” 2 Ne. 25:26  “He is the Way, (John 14:6) and “His way is the path that leads to happiness in this life and eternal life in the world to come. “  The Living Christ:  the Testimony of Apostles and Prophets.  https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/images/gospel-library/manual/34589/living.pdf   Jesus Christ is who and what we hold up to our teenagers, as their way to happiness.

Darla had an epiphany.  She realized that her kids learn the Most from what she was!  She could not disguise her imperfections from her sharp teenage kids, so she acknowledged her weakness and worked hard on them.  Or asked for forgiveness for the misjudgments and mistakes.  And she found out that when she was working on the mote or beam in her own eye, her family members saw the example.  With her so involved working on herself, her kids—and her husband—had the space to work on themselves.  She had given up criticism of them, and turned to sincerely correcting herself, and it was then they began to change as well.  The mote and beam thing really worked!  See Matthew 7:3-5.

D.  Your most important Communication with them?  Trust and to Report back.
1.  Trust your teen as much as you can.  Let them govern themselves, as soon as they are ready.  They have a need to exercise their own free agency.

 Ronda would talk to her teens as adults.  Rather than,” Get that done before you leave!” she’d say, “Do you have time to get this done before you leave?”  Or,” I know you are busy, but when you get a minute, can you take care of your chores?”  She got great responses from that way of talking to them. Treated like adults, they took responsibility like adults!

Cindy and Dan taught their teens how to be skillful drivers.  They put in place family limits, then trusted their teens to be careful drivers.  For the most part, the kids lived up to that trust.

Ginny learned to give her teens as much trust as she could.  “Can you manage this alone, or do you need my help?" She might say, or “I am going to trust you on this one, to make a wise choice.”  Ginny heard of another mom who had totally mistrusted her daughter, until the girl said to herself, “My mom kept expecting me to sin, so finally I just did!”  So instead, Ginny trusted, and she tried hard to couple that trust in them with her high expectations.

2.  Have your teen Report in.  Reporting in is a gospel  principle.  “I must return and report my stewardship and my words,” taught Elder Ted E. Brewerton https://www.lds.org/ensign/1991/11/light?lang=eng&query=return+and+report  We must expect accountability.   At night when they get home.  At personal interviews.  Don’t push  them, but expect their report.  Keep the communication lines open and warm, and they will be motivated to make good choices, knowing that they will be reporting back.

My Favorite Idea:

E.  The best thing we can do for our teenagers?    Love their Father.   Adore their Mother. 

Shelby started to wonder if her children observed her being put out with her husband more than being in love with him!   So in their presence, she decided she must be more affectionate.  At mealtime or even in the hallway, she would grab Corbin in a big embrace and in the kitchen, she would plant a big kiss on his face.  Shelby began to thank Corbin for his hard work each day more often, and looked for compliments to shower upon him.  When it was her turn for family prayers, she thanked the Lord for him and asked the Lord to help him with his concerns.  She determined that her kids would see their wholesome love and affection for each other, and that the message would come across: “I adore your father!” and from Corbin, “I am madly in love with your mother!”  She knew that this example of whole-hearted love would bless them and their future immensely!  And give them powerful security!

Remember in The Incredibles:  Violet is so worried when she views discord between her parents.  Once she exclaims, “maybe it’s their marriage!!!”  As a child, if I heard even a little disagreement, I too translated it to fear of divorce.  Let them know when disagreements have been worked through, not just in a back room somewhere.  Let them see your affection and the sacrifice for each other.  “Dad’s had a hard day.  Let’s let him rest.  Let’s pray for him.”  Or, "Let's surprise Mom by doing all these dishes!" Insist they show respect for your spouse! The security they will feel will be huge—when there’s love at home.
   
Too, in our sacrificing for our teenagers, we must take care NOT to neglect our spouse!  Our Eternal Mate comes first.  Our Spouse is our ticket to our and their (the teen we struggle with) true happiness.

F. What we can expect of them?  High Expectations

“You can do it.” “ You are good at this,” are messages we must give our teens.
They need a balance of Acceptance and Expectations.   

Tori’s preteen son would sing out at the top of his lungs at church.  It was rather embarrassing really, as everyone would look at him.  But he seemed unaware of this and continued to sing out.  So Tori’s family sat at the front where only those on the stand could really be bothered by it.  She told each of the other family members not to say anything.  She didn’t want to squelch his expression of his talent.  Gradually, he matured, and quieted down.  Later, Tori heard of other kids, who upon hearing a criticism of their singing, chose to stop completely!  She was glad she had guarded against that for her son, and simply accepted him!  He grew up to go clear to State with his singing.

Patti’s daughter had extra time to kill.  Patti worked to find good ways to fill it, inventing ways for her to develop talents and interests.  She and Tim devised family work projects.  They pitched in with service whenever they could.  She had her daughter take up music, taught her to sew, and encouraged family history.   A busy teenager has less time for mischief.



Amelia found that she needed the courage to speak up and set limits for her teenaged son.  Yes, she listened to him, but voiced her concerns too.  Once when Garrett’s friend invited him to a movie, she knew he was old enough at 18, to pick what he watched.  Still she asked, “Is this of Good Report?” He answered, “Yes. Several friends liked it.”  But since Amelia had heard about the book it was based on, she got up the nerve to say, “Still, I don’t think this will be a good movie!”  So he told his friend that.  Turns out, her mother hadn’t really wanted her to see it either!  They chose a different show!  

Sandi’s son was very good-natured--except when he got stressed.  If he had a deadline or a pressure, he became grumpy, and even a bit harsh.  “Be careful with that, son,” Sandy said to him on one such grumpy day, “because that is how you will treat your wife someday.”  Her comment woke him up.  A good kid, he hadn’t realized what he was doing.  He started working on it!  He began to thank her more often, and not let his pressures be taken out on others.   Sandi was so pleased to find more kindness.

G.  The best kind of Atmosphere in our homes?   Warmth & Love.  

A  BYU Study about favoritism (even just perceived favoritism) in families show risky bad results, when a son or daughter felt their parent was playing favorites-- except when there was an open and warm atmosphere at home. “Warmth and closeness in families protect children from favoritism fallout when parents inevitably make mistakes.”  See M. Sue Bergin, “Playing Favorites.” BYU Magazine, Winter 2015.



                Sam and Trisha worked to give their kids evidence of their love for each of them.  They spent time on their knees together for them.  They got up early to pray with them before A-hour.  Sometimes, they purchased something a son or daughter needed when it was not expected.  Both tried to be there at performances and talk about them afterward.  Sam sought out each child before work, with a hug and good-bye.  Trisha made sure to seek out each at night before bed, with a hug and a kiss good night.   They worked to make their home warm and loving.   

H. The Most important example we can give them?  Sincere Goodness.

                Mark had a novel recommended to him, so he started reading it.  At first it was exciting and fun, but then, the book started to get raunchy. “I can’t go on reading this!” he decided, though he wanted to.  He closed the book and didn’t pick it back up.  My kids wouldn’t have known about that, but I told them that their Dad decided to stop reading a book that was captivating, but turned inappropriate.  I have used it as a great example for them. 

                They are watching.  They know hypocrisy.  They know if we have a different standard for ourselves than for them.  If we stretch boundaries this far, they will stretch them farther.  “When I was growing up, we always swam on Sunday,” reasoned Loribeth.  So she and her husband and kids did too—and gradually many other things, even dropping church after awhile.

My Dad was So Good!   We brothers and sisters all thought we were his favorite!  His answer for each problem was the Gospel:  The Answer is More Love.  If I did something wrong, he would say, “That’s not Marlene!  She would never do that!” Because of this goodness, for all of us, the worst possible thing we could do was to disappoint Dad!  (I have tried to duplicate his ways, but fall short of this wonderful example.)  We parents have the best tool for raising successful, happy teenagers!  The Gospel of Jesus Christ, which brings Goodness--to the world, to our teens, and to us.


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