What Do
Teenagers need the most?
Goodness!
I was counting up...So far I've raised 9 teenagers, with 3 more currently! Whew! I have come to notice through all this is that what teenagers long for most, need the most,
and respect the most is simply Goodness!
Teenage years are tricky.
Teens have this adult body, but aren’t quite ready to be adults! Struggling to learn to manage themselves, yet
they still require boundaries and guidance.
But teenagers are smart these days, and they long for what is genuine,
rings true, and is deep down GOOD.
I started pondering my favorite memory with my Mom and my Dad when
I was a teenager, time spent doing projects with Mom and late night talks with
Dad. What is your favorite memory? What will be your teenager’s favorite memory
with you? Chances are, it will be doing
something purely and totally Good.
Ideas families have tried:
A. The best place to get direction on how to
raise a teenager? The
temple! There’s nothing in the way
there! The Lord knows your teenager
through and through and He is aware of all the dynamics. As we ponder in the temple or at some quiet,
peaceful place, He can lead us to the ways to love, guide, and earn the trust
and respect of our teens.
No matter how much rebellion struggles to surface, teenagers long
for goodness. Deep down, Genuine, No
ulterior motive Goodness. They see
through hypocrisy and hate it. But they
also see when we sincerely care and sacrifice for them. They feel it when we love them deep down, and
truly long for their happiness. So if it
is hard to love that not-so-loveable teen, we must “pray with all the energy of
heart” to be filled with Christ’s love.
He will give Charity to those who fervently ask, and try their hardest
to follow Him. Moroni 7:48 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/moro/7.45?lang=eng#44 and 1 Corinthians 13.
B. The best skill we can give our teenagers? The ability to receive answers to their
prayers.
“The world will teach our children if we do not, and children
are capable of learning all the world will teach them at a very young age. What we want them to know five years from
now needs to be part of our conversation with them today.” Rosemary M. Wixom https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/stay-on-the-path?lang=eng Think about that! If your teen is 13, that means it is the best
time now to start talking about when they may start to leave home at 18! Actually, about age 11, kids quit
believing you unequivocally. “Are you
sure?” starts to enter their vocabulary.
We would do well to teach them young!
When her teens were just
13 or 14, or even younger, Eliza start teaching skills they would need to feed,
clothe, and care for themselves, such as doing their own laundry, making their
own meals, handling their own phone conversations with adults, etc. And more importantly, she helped them to practice making their own decisions and
getting their own answers to prayers.
Eliza would suggest they make a list of pros and cons about their
current dilemma. Then, after looking
over the list, she urged them to choose the option they were leaning toward,
and present that to the Lord. Then, she
counseled, ask the Lord if that is right and pay attention to how you feel. If you feel peace, then you know that way is
what to pursue, but if you are confused still, then you know this choice is not
the best and to keep working on it. Eliza would pray with them at first, asking how they felt during the
prayer, and urging them to look for that peace.
Later on, her kids could do it themselves. Eliza felt so good to think
they had developed a skill for their entire life. (See Doctrine and Covenants 9:7-9)
Teach
them to pray about everything. “Tell Him everything that concerns you. He is interested
in the most important as well as the most mundane facets of your life.” Richard G. Scott, in October Conference 2014.
Help them find the courage to ask, along with the ability to open
their minds and receive. They will leave
home soon, and need to be able to get their own answers and comfort and
protection and guidance and peace. Start
young.
Valorie
felt that as she worked on getting
answers to her own prayer, she should share her experiences with her kids. She began to let them in on what she was
learning, and tell them of times in the past she had received answers. Our
own struggles and victories will be a powerful teacher.
C. The most important thing they need to know? Where to turn for help and peace.
They will make mistakes.
Some of them quickly think: “I
blew it. It’s too late for me.” Actually, that’s why Jesus suffered and died
for us! So we CAN make mistakes, and
then Repent.
“And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ,
we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our
children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.”
2 Ne. 25:26 “He is the Way, (John 14:6)
and “His way is the path that leads to happiness in this life and eternal life
in the world to come. “ The Living
Christ: the Testimony of Apostles and
Prophets. https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/images/gospel-library/manual/34589/living.pdf Jesus Christ is who and what we hold up to
our teenagers, as their way to happiness.
Darla had
an epiphany. She realized that her kids
learn the Most from what she was! She
could not disguise her imperfections from her sharp teenage kids, so she
acknowledged her weakness and worked hard on them. Or asked for forgiveness for the misjudgments
and mistakes. And she found out that
when she was working on the mote or beam in her own eye, her family members saw
the example. With her so involved
working on herself, her kids—and her husband—had the space to work on
themselves. She had given up criticism
of them, and turned to sincerely correcting herself, and it was then they began
to change as well. The mote and beam
thing really worked! See Matthew 7:3-5.
D. Your most important Communication with them? Trust and to Report back.
1. Trust your teen as
much as you can. Let them govern
themselves, as soon as they are ready. They have a need to exercise their own free
agency.
Ronda would talk to her teens as adults. Rather than,” Get that done before you leave!”
she’d say, “Do you have time to get this done before you leave?” Or,” I know you are busy, but when you get a
minute, can you take care of your chores?” She got great responses from that way of talking
to them. Treated like adults, they took responsibility like adults!
Cindy and
Dan taught their teens how to be skillful drivers. They put in place family limits, then trusted
their teens to be careful drivers. For
the most part, the kids lived up to that trust.
Ginny
learned to give her teens as much trust as she could. “Can you manage this alone, or do you need my
help?" She might say, or “I am going to trust you on this one, to make a wise
choice.” Ginny heard of another mom who
had totally mistrusted her daughter, until the girl said to herself, “My mom kept expecting me to sin, so finally I just did!” So instead, Ginny trusted, and she tried hard to couple that trust in them with her high expectations.
2. Have your teen Report
in. Reporting in is a gospel principle.
“I must return and report my stewardship and my words,” taught Elder Ted
E. Brewerton https://www.lds.org/ensign/1991/11/light?lang=eng&query=return+and+report We must expect accountability.
At night when they get home. At personal interviews. Don’t push
them, but expect their report.
Keep the communication lines open and warm, and they will be motivated
to make good choices, knowing that they will be reporting back.
My Favorite Idea:
E. The best thing we can do for our teenagers? Love their Father. Adore their Mother.
Shelby
started to wonder if her children observed her being put out with her husband more than being in love with him! So in
their presence, she decided she must be more affectionate. At mealtime or even in the hallway, she would
grab Corbin in a big embrace and in the kitchen, she would plant a big kiss on
his face. Shelby began to thank Corbin
for his hard work each day more often, and looked for compliments to shower
upon him. When it was her turn for
family prayers, she thanked the Lord for him and asked the Lord to help him
with his concerns. She determined that
her kids would see their wholesome love and affection for each other, and that
the message would come across: “I adore your father!” and from Corbin, “I am
madly in love with your mother!” She
knew that this example of whole-hearted love would bless them and their future
immensely! And give them powerful
security!
Remember in The Incredibles: Violet is so worried when she views discord
between her parents. Once she exclaims, “maybe
it’s their marriage!!!” As a child, if I
heard even a little disagreement, I too translated it to fear of divorce. Let them know when disagreements have been worked
through, not just in a back room somewhere.
Let them see your affection and the sacrifice for each other. “Dad’s had a hard day. Let’s let him rest. Let’s pray for him.” Or, "Let's surprise Mom by doing all these dishes!" Insist they show respect for your spouse! The
security they will feel will be huge—when there’s love at home.
Too, in our sacrificing for our teenagers, we must take care NOT
to neglect our spouse! Our Eternal Mate
comes first. Our Spouse is our ticket to
our and their (the teen we struggle with) true happiness.
F. What we
can expect of them? High
Expectations
“You can do it.” “ You are good at this,” are messages we must
give our teens.
They need a balance of Acceptance and Expectations.
Tori’s preteen
son would sing out at the top of his lungs at church. It was rather embarrassing really, as
everyone would look at him. But he seemed
unaware of this and continued to sing out.
So Tori’s family sat at the front where only those on the stand could
really be bothered by it. She told each
of the other family members not to say anything. She didn’t want to squelch his expression of
his talent. Gradually, he matured, and
quieted down. Later, Tori heard of other
kids, who upon hearing a criticism of their singing, chose to stop completely! She was glad she had guarded against that for
her son, and simply accepted him! He
grew up to go clear to State with his singing.
Patti’s
daughter had extra time to kill. Patti
worked to find good ways to fill it, inventing ways for her to develop talents
and interests. She and Tim devised
family work projects. They pitched in
with service whenever they could. She
had her daughter take up music, taught her to sew, and encouraged family
history. A busy teenager has less time
for mischief.
Amelia
found that she needed the courage to speak up and set limits for her teenaged
son. Yes, she listened to him, but
voiced her concerns too. Once when
Garrett’s friend invited him to a movie, she knew he was old enough at 18, to
pick what he watched. Still she asked,
“Is this of Good Report?” He answered, “Yes. Several friends liked it.” But since Amelia had heard about the book it
was based on, she got up the nerve to say, “Still, I don’t think this will be a
good movie!” So he told his friend
that. Turns out, her mother hadn’t
really wanted her to see it either! They
chose a different show!
Sandi’s
son was very good-natured--except when he got stressed. If he had a deadline or a pressure, he became
grumpy, and even a bit harsh. “Be
careful with that, son,” Sandy said to him on one such grumpy day, “because
that is how you will treat your wife someday.”
Her comment woke him up. A good
kid, he hadn’t realized what he was doing.
He started working on it! He
began to thank her more often, and not let his pressures be taken out on
others. Sandi was so pleased to find more kindness.
G. The best kind of Atmosphere in our homes? Warmth & Love.
A BYU Study about
favoritism (even just perceived favoritism) in families show risky bad results,
when a son or daughter felt their parent was playing favorites-- except when there was an open and warm
atmosphere at home. “Warmth and closeness in families protect children from
favoritism fallout when parents inevitably make mistakes.” See M. Sue Bergin, “Playing Favorites.” BYU
Magazine, Winter 2015.
Sam and Trisha worked to give their kids
evidence of their love for each of them.
They spent time on their knees together for them. They got up early to pray with them before
A-hour. Sometimes, they purchased
something a son or daughter needed when it was not expected. Both tried to be there at performances and
talk about them afterward. Sam sought out
each child before work, with a hug and good-bye. Trisha made sure to seek out each at night
before bed, with a hug and a kiss good night.
They worked to make their home
warm and loving.
H. The
Most important example we can give them?
Sincere Goodness.
Mark had a novel recommended to him, so he started
reading it. At first it was exciting and
fun, but then, the book started to get raunchy. “I can’t go on reading this!”
he decided, though he wanted to. He
closed the book and didn’t pick it back up.
My kids wouldn’t have known about that, but I told them that their Dad
decided to stop reading a book that was captivating, but turned inappropriate. I have used it as a great example for
them.
They are
watching. They know hypocrisy. They know if we have a different standard for
ourselves than for them. If we stretch
boundaries this far, they will stretch them farther. “When I was growing up, we always swam on
Sunday,” reasoned Loribeth. So she and
her husband and kids did too—and gradually many other things, even dropping
church after awhile.
My Dad was
So Good! We brothers and sisters all
thought we were his favorite! His answer
for each problem was the Gospel: The
Answer is More Love. If I did something
wrong, he would say, “That’s not Marlene!
She would never do that!” Because of this goodness, for all of us, the worst possible thing we could do was
to disappoint Dad! (I have tried to duplicate his ways, but
fall short of this wonderful example.) We
parents have the best tool for raising successful, happy teenagers! The Gospel of Jesus Christ, which brings Goodness--to
the world, to our teens, and to us.
Labels: Teenagers--Long for Goodness; Teenagers--Greatest Need