The Back Door
Approach
I once heard a young couple comment about their
strong-willed little girl, “We need to break her will.” That did not set well with me! Surely, this child will need a strong will
in our world today. What if we chose to
channel it, rather than “break it.” What
if we could require obedience in a roundabout way?
Sometimes we butt heads with our strong-willed
children. But there need not be a
constant power struggle. We Moms can use
a back door approach to require good behavior but without a head-on collision
and without our feathers getting so ruffled!
Ideas Families Have Tried:
1. Require obedience,
but back out of the power struggle.
Have a consequence firmly set, that needs no reminder.
Marianne required a morning routine to be done each morning
in her home. But she did not want to nag
her children to do it each day. So, at
the beginning of the summer, she made a chart to record the days this morning
routine was completed on time. (She also
allowed her kids to “Plead Diligence” if they had tried their best to complete
it, but couldn’t complete it in time due to other early morning obligations or
perhaps the piano had been occupied. In
such cases, they could finish and still count it.) At the end of the summer, the chart
determined the reward, in this case money towards school clothes and
supplies. Marianne stepped out of the
nagging role. She simply required it
before the kids could go somewhere else, and let the chart keep track.
Randy had been firmly told that he must pick up all the Legos
before lunch. Everyone was sitting down
to eat, but the Legos were not picked up.
Marci made no mention of the foresight, but calmly had the blessing with
her kids and fixed the sandwiches.
However, after fixing Randy’s peanut butter and jelly just the way he
liked it, she calmly set it on top of the fridge. “You may have it when the Legos are picked up,”
she might say. Usually, he knew just what to go do before he could eat. Being the strong-willed kid he was, Randi
might decide not to eat! Marci didn’t
stress over that either. She knew he
would get hungry, and that she could make sure he didn’t get himself something
else from the fridge. He would
eventually pick the Legos up in order to eat.
However, she might come up with an extra good dessert that she gave all
the other kids, as a greater incentive!
Suppose this child pulled a chair up to the fridge and
started to climb up for his lunch? “Yes,
you may have your lunch,” Marci could calmly reply, “as soon as those Legos are
picked up.” In this way, she was firm
but not giving too much attention to him for his misbehavior. (See “Be a yes mom!” post) If he persisted in his climb, she simply
would ask if he needs a greater consequence.
“Do I have to have you vacuum too before you can eat?” This puts the choice in his lap, while still
requiring the obedience.
Turn some things over to your son or daughter.
Young teenager Carly had recently acquired a cell phone,
though for now, the phone was only used as an ipod (until her brother left on a
mission in a year and freed up a spot on their family plan). Brad and Trish told her, “We think you are old
enough to make wise choices now, at 14.
We’re going to trust you with this.”
Brad did set up locks, filters, and parental controls on it, but still, occasionally
her Trish worried about improper use of the devise. For example, the family had a firm rule about
only using the internet in the family room, but Trish would sometimes catch
Carly using it on her bed. At first,
after several infractions, Trish felt like taking away the phone! She knew the dangers of the internet! But then, she realized this was a great
exercise for her daughter to learn some self-control. Trish talked it over with Brad and they
decided to ask her to spell out her own Cell Phone Guidelines. So Trish approached her about this, urging
Carly to include when she would finish for the day, where she would place the
phone, etc. Carly returned with a list
and both parents read it over and kept it.
She had included: At 9:30pm,
phone is placed in charging station; Can be used for running early, but cannot
then be used before morning routine and goals; All internet in Family Room;
etc.
A week or so went by, and Trish
kept a watchful eye to see if the phone was in the charging station at night,
etc. Once, Carly thought it would be
okay to take her phone to the basement when the cousins had a sleepover
there. So, Trish urged Carly to add to
her list that exceptions needed to be OK’d by Mom or Dad first. Things were going fine, but one day Trish saw
Carly playing a game on her phone. Trish
reminded her that games were only allowed on Fridays, and that this applied to
phones too. She asked Carly to add to
her list the consequence for slipping up, that her Friday game time would be
lost if she broke the rule. It was
effective to have the list be hers, and to calmly suggest she revise it if
necessary. Though they continued to
check up on cell phone usage covertly all the time, they had her report overtly
every week for awhile. And she would
give a regular accounting at monthly interviews they already had set up,
trading off between them each month.
While giving her charge of her own phone, they nonetheless, gave her the
message that this was important and she must report on how well she was
mastering the phone, rather than let it master her.
2. Give choices. Then really let them choose.
Children need to be able to use their God-given free agency,
some children more than others! So, we
must let them whenever possible. Within
our set boundaries, we must give them as much freedom to try making choices and
be coaxed into making good ones while still very young. We must make sure that our boundaries are not
too confining, or a child will fight them!
Almost anyone backed into a corner would want to fight!
Let them pick the timing, for example, “You must do your
assignment from Dad, but you can decide whether to do it now or later this
afternoon. Remember, it must be done
before we go swimming at 5.” Then you can leave it to them without nagging, but
with no swimming if they didn’t do it: “That
was our deal!”
Tanner, age 5, had just missed the deadline for kindergarten
and was home all day. He had things he
wanted to do (ie play with mom, eat a snack with mom, etc.), but Melissa had
things she had to get done too. So, they
fell into a good routine. Melissa would
make a list with what they both needed and wanted to do (Tanner contributed to
it), and Tanner got to number it! Though
he usually chose Play and Eat as number one and two, Melissa could usually go
ahead and fit those in first. She would
tell him when she had a time frame for something she needed to do at a certain
time. Melissa would make a fort with him
or get out a card game and give him the time and attention first, then later
fit in what she needed to get done. Tanner came with her to her dance class,
for example, which he didn’t love to do.
But Melissa made it bearable by bringing an encyclopedia along and 5
bookmarks, and challenging Tanner to find 5 things that are amazing in this
book. It was an adventure each time, and
he usually couldn’t wait to show her what he’d found. By being a little creative, Melissa could
keep up with this energetic, smart kid, who had ideas of his own.
Everyone else was usually busy when Phoebe went grocery
shopping on Saturdays, so she needed to bring her youngest along. BreeAnn usually enjoyed picking out the
treats or getting a free sample. But
sometimes, BreeAnn didn’t want to go. Phoebe
would explain, “I don’t like you to be alone.”
Most of the time, Phoebe just had to say, “OK, you don’t have to come,
but I really wish you would.” She would
then walk away, get into the car even.
BreeAnn would last minute decide to come. One time, however, Bree wouldn’t budge, as
she had a wonderful new book she was reading. “OK,” Phoebe relented to her 10-year
old, “I’ll let you stay home, but you must call me every 15 minutes. Set the timer, and make sure you call each
time it rings, so I can check on you.”
It worked, but interrupting her reading was kind of a pain—which was
good—so BreeAnn didn’t choose that option very often!
Don’t give a Choice, however, when there is no choice. Don’t say, “Would you like to wash up for
dinner now?” if instead you mean, “It’s time to wash up for dinner now.” (But you can choose whether to wash your
hands in the bathroom or the kitchen sink!)
Never make spiritual things a source of contention. Keep religious observation always positive,
by giving all the choice possible and praise. Josiah wouldn’t obey when Sandy asked him to
fold his arms for prayer. Should Sandy
require it? I don’t think so. I would suggest she answer him, “When you’re
ready” and then proceed with the prayer whether or not he did. Later, she could watch for when he did it, and reinforce: "Good job folding your arms and bowing your head for prayer! That shows Heavenly Father how much we love him!" Choosing to fold arms and bow in prayer should be trained, exemplified,
and praised, but left to the individual to decide. Reverence, and Submission should
not be forced, only taught, modeled, and reinforced. If we force it, kids may fight it rather than
embrace it. We must bond good feelings
with good things.
Tessa wouldn’t come to the table for family prayer, for
example, but she called out from the Family Room, “I’m kneeling” and that was
ok! It was bowing a little and Marni was
going to take that, and not insist on perfection!
3. Give Challenges
Rather than giving requirements, consider giving challenges
where you can. It is a new way of
looking at an opportunity to grow and comes with a choice as well.
Maggie got the notion to challenge her 10-year old son to earn every Webeloes
pin available. Not all are required, but these Cub Scout
pins provided some great opportunities for her son to stretch and learn new
skills. He took the challenge! And in the process he learned some new
things, and filled up some time with new experiences.
Rob and Susan gave their kids a reading challenge. Though their kids loved to read, they chose
almost exclusively to read fantasy and science fiction. The challenge was to read a true book in
between each fiction. They explained to
their kids the reason, and provided some good nonfiction choices, such as
biographies, historical fiction, and a survivor series based on true events. The prize was approval and praise, and plenty
of discussion about the good books they read!
Young Will loved to do a mind-stretching puzzle on his
mother’s cell phone each day. He was
good at it, and didn’t miss a day doing his puzzle. Valerie took him aside one day and asked, “OK,
which is more important: stretching your
mind or feeding your spirit?” Will knew
what she was getting at, and answered that reading his scriptures was more
important. "I challenge you to read them
first, before you do your daily puzzle," was her reply. Then, Valerie told him how much she loved to do crossword puzzles. “But I always make sure I have done my more
important reading before I let myself do one,” she told him. Having given him this example and this
challenge, she left Will do manage it himself.
But if she saw him following his challenge and reading first, she
praised him for his great choice!
4. Break a
requirement into pieces.
Some bright kids are overwhelmed with a big assignment. Spell out smaller increments. List them with
a box to check off, if necessary.
Spelled out, they are much more doable, even possible.
11-year old Olivia had a huge project due really soon. But she kept putting it off! A perfectionist, Olivia felt she couldn’t
start it until she could do it right.
Besides, it was just too overwhelmingly big! Tom and Kallie were exasperated with her—even
though they tried not to show it! Tom
stepped out of the picture completely on this one, choosing to just love and
interact with his daughter and leave the issue to Kallie, thereby squelching
the feeling of two against one. Kallie
decided to sit down with Olivia and spell it out on paper. She asked her daughter each step of getting
this project done, and wrote it out on paper.
Through this exercise, Olivia was able to solidify just what she was
going to do. Next to each item, Kallie
placed a small box for Olivia to check off when it was finished. In the process, Kallie found a few ways she
could help (without doing the project herself) such as furnishing or collecting
or purchasing supplies. She could clear
some things from Olivia’s busy schedule.
With everything listed and taped up, and this jump start and show of
support, Olivia could take over and conquer it.
Bright young Garrett was totally overwhelmed with cleaning
his room alone! It was just too big of a
disaster! So Nancy would give him one
task at a time. “Go and pick up three
big things and put them away,” she would say, “then come back and slap my hand.” He could handle that much! Next, she might say, “OK, now pick up anything that doesn't belong on your bed
and put it away, then come slap my hand.” "If you don't know where something goes, come and ask me," she added. Little by little the room got picked up, and
Garrett got his disastrous room under control!
5. Avoid Singling Out, by Addressing the group.
Some kids crumble when they are confronted and reprimanded,
and get defensive rather than repentant.
Better to talk to the whole family group, than to single out the one
needing the reprimand.
“It really bothers me to have dirty socks left out in the
family room. There are to be no socks
left around, except inside your shoes by the door. Would everyone please work on that? If I see them around, I will charge the owner
a quarter.” Family Home Evening is a great time to address
the group rather than single out a lone offender.
Or “Thanks to all who took over their dishes from the table
to the sink, rinsed them, and stacked them!”
Or “Everyone needs to pick up 7 things.... Whoever has not
started picking up their 7 things must now pick up 8.” No one is singled out for a reprimand, but
there is still be consistent follow through.
Conversely, “Did you leave the towel on the floor when I asked
you not to do that?!” can be confrontational. Bright children get
busy doing an experiment in the bathtub or coming up with a plan in their head
of what they will build next. For some
children, it is better to use a backdoor approach, such as “Whoever left the towel on
the floor needs to come pick it up.”
Likely, the one whose towel is on the floor was not being belligerent, but just
forgot. He was likely caught up blowing bubbles or daydreaming about sailing! But if we tell him how
forgetful and disobedient he is, those labels will hurt his self-esteem. We want our children to grow up knowing how
bright and smart they are, rather than being weighed down with their
faults. Using a backdoor approach, we
can require obedience, but keep a good self-esteem intact.
There is definitely a time to be Straightforward, but a wise parent will also realize there is a time to back in. This approach is not cowering or giving in, it is rather requiring obedience without coercion or contention.
Please comment below with your ideas. More next week!
Labels: Children--A Back Door Approach. Part 1; Children--Obedience without Contention