Motivating the Strong-willed Child
Requiring Obedience does not have to be forceful and
negative. There is another way to expect
and require a child to obey, without a feeling of condemnation and so much
disapproval. I call it the backdoor
approach.
However, using a Backdoor Approach precludes that the child
has been thoroughly taught. From the
time they are tiny, we must use every teaching moment to teach obedience, to
teach kindness, to teach all the commandments and righteous living. Then, reinforcing it, along with applying the
mercy we all need, is often best done by using a Backdoor Approach.
My Favorite Idea:
1. Try it Over. I love those three little words! They tell a child immediately that what he
did was unacceptable, but it also gives him another chance. “Try it Over” expresses faith in your little
person, that he knows a better way! And
it does this without a scolding! We are
told that the Lord “upbraideth not” when He gives us wisdom. He doesn’t scold when we pray. And we too can communicate what is needed,
and wait for another try at doing what’s right, without a scolding.
When my kids slip into saying put-downs, I say, “Try it
Over.” When they start to talk
disrespectfully, I prompt them with “Try it Over.” Sometimes another sentence is needed that
explains what I am looking for, but most of the time, it is not necessary. If a child grabs a toy from another, I may
hand the toys back to the original child and tell the other, “Try it Over.” I
then may model for them, “May I please play with this when you’re done?” then wait to see them do it better. (My strong-willed ones may use their own words,
rather than mine, but that’s ok. Just as
long as it is polite and appropriate.) “Try it Over” just coaxes them back to a
better way of saying or doing something.
Lori’s kids responded to the firm reminder, “Rewind!” When things got out of hand at her house,
“Rewind” was their clue to stop, back up, and say something kinder or figure
out how to share that toy. She might spell out a better way, or prompt better
words. Peace was restored and no one was
singled out for a scolding!
2. Back Door Phrases.
“Didn’t your Mother ever teach you good
manners/to be kind/to get along?” is
another phrase I like to use. Rather
than put down a child, it adds a bit of humor and puts the blame on me for not
teaching them better. They get the message that what they did or
said was not quite appropriate and then refine their own behavior.
“Do I need to find something good for you to do?” is
Shelley’s way of telling her kids that they are horsing around too much and she
can put this idle time to better use.
Her kids know that there are always clothes to fold or toilets to
clean! They usually stop the
rough-housing quickly and find something good to do, such as read or do their
chores, rather than wait for her to find a job for them! Shelley’s kids are prompted out of their
behavior and no one is scolded or nagged.
My Other Favorite Idea:
3. Use Hypothetical
situations
My kids would sometimes have a melt-down in public. Or a scene at the grocery store. Tired and done, they were expressing the fact
with a tantrum! I learned to calmly say,
“See that boy over there?” (That in
itself helped distract and direct attention away from the issue being screamed
about.) “He is wondering, ‘Why in the world is that little girl crying? Is she hurt?
Does her Mommy need to take her to the hospital?!’“ Or,” That lady is
asking herself, ‘Why is that boy being so loud?
It hurts my ears!’ ” Or even, “That worker must wonder, ‘He is crying so
much, I bet he must have a terrible tummy ache.
Is he going to throw up?’“ The child was able to realize what he or she
was doing, and how it must look to others.
Most of the time, they quieted right down!
Tabitha had a son who had been entirely homeschooled, and
would now be entering the public school system for 2nd grade. Robbie didn’t know many of the conventions
and expectations the other kids had been learning for two years. Tabitha wanted to prepare him for a good
experience, so she decided to use bedtime stories. For weeks before school was to begin, Tabitha
told a story each night that taught about raising your hand, being on time, or
not cutting in line. She told about
someone being asked to give their answers and how to respond. Within
a story about another child she taught Robbie Stranger danger, bike safety, or
what to do if he got into a bind. Usually
every story had a student who chose the wrong approach, and one who chose a
better way and felt so much better. Or
the story would have a child who tried a negative way, then tried a better way
the next day. (Tabitha was amazed at how
many details Robbie remembered later on!) Through stories, she could help him see what
he would be facing soon without lecturing him head on.
4. Give the Result
you want, and let the Child pick the Path
Rather than telling her kids
to go clean their rooms, Patti told them, "Daddy is going to do a bedroom
check at 5 pm this afternoon." That was all that needed saying.
She might remind them again at 4 pm, but other than that, she didn't need
to say a word. Some of her kids would do it earlier and others might
scramble to get it all done the last minute, but that was okay. Patti was
still getting the result she needed. Daddy would usually be complimentary, as
he checked their rooms, but he would also make suggestions as to an area to
clear off or to do a little better. Or, he might require that they come
get him when they were ready for a recheck!
“When I get back, I’m
going to check this room and see if it is vacuumed! I sure hope it is, so that you can go play!” Jan’s kids responded to this backdoor
approach, rather than “Go and vacuum this room now.” They knew the result she expected, and were
set to obey, but they could choose whether to start now, or finish the chapter
first, then get it done.
Our kids are generally
good kids! They just don’t like to be
hounded. In reality, I don’t
either. But they do need reminders once
in awhile, in fact, often. So a backdoor
approach does the reminding without the hounding.
5. Make it a Game!
Tanilee liked to play “Secret
Elves” with her little kids. It was a
game of make-believe for when there was a room to clean up, based on the story
of the “Elves and the Shoemaker.” After asking her kids if they think there
were any secret elves around, Tanilee would start by saying, “Oh, I am so
sleepy!” She stretch and yawn, and her kids would follow suit. Then, everyone would lie down on the floor
and “fall asleep.” Then, transformed
into secret elves, they would all get up and tip toe around the room cleaning
it up, careful not to “wake up” the now-imaginary sleepers. After the room was all picked up, they
became the sleepers again, lying down as they had been. In another minute or two, it was time to
“wake up.” Everyone would look around and exclaim, “What a clean room! Who could have done it while we were
asleep? It must have been secret
elves! Wow, that was so nice of
them!” The room was cleaned up, and
everyone had a fun game of imagination at the same time.
“The Witch is Coming!” is
a game Susie uses with her kids when they have a room to clean up. “There is a Witch who is coming to make sure
this room is cleaned up. Who knows what
she will do, if she finds it dirty!!”
Everyone scrambles to clean, and every few minutes, Susie says, “Oh no,
she is at the Johnsons!” or “She’s only
two houses away!” When the room is
almost clean, Susie leaves, transforms into the “witch” (no costume required)
and appears. She gives a cackle-y laugh
and says “Let’s see if this room is Clean.
If it isn’t, I will turn you all into frogs!” (More cackles) The kids quickly hide anything that may still
be out of place and giggle at silly mommy.
The “witch” is so disappointed that she can’t punish them for a dirty
room, and leaves in disgust, then turns back into mommy and gives them all a
hug of relief!
6. Use Reverse
Psychology
One day, I decided to simply let my two-year old say No! In fact, he had such a need to say it, that I
would encourage it! “Are you a tiger
today?” I asked him. “No!!” he answered
adamantly. “Well OK then, Are you an elephant today?” “No!” “Are
you a Giraffe today?” “No!” I kept going
until the child ran out of steam. He got
less and less forceful, and even could laugh when I brought up the ridiculous! (Are you a turkey today?) He got the need out of his system, and in the
process, was not misbehaving!
Heidi’s children had trouble starting to Fast. She decided to use reverse psychology. After teaching about fasting, why it is done,
who it helps, and the great promises from fasting, Heidi told her 7-9 year old
child sincerely, “You know, fasting is really special. You have to be ready for it, old enough to
appreciate what you are doing. I’m not
sure you are quite ready to fast. Do you think we should wait a couple of months
to try it?” Her child may agree at first, but soon, in
his own timing, he wanted to take it on. “I think I am old enough now!” The family would talk over who they knew that
was sick or in need, to fast for, and would begin their fast with a
prayer. Heidi reminded them that when
they felt hungry, that was when they should kneel and pray, in order to draw
closer to Heavenly Father, and make their Spirit stronger. Having
chosen when they were ready to begin fasting, her kids were much less likely to
complain. Heidi let them choose when to
break their fast as well. When they were
ready, she simply had them go and finish with a prayer, be it 1pm or 3pm. Then, they could quietly fix their own
snack. As they grew, of course fasting
became even more meaningful.
Michelle was struggling to get young Riley to mind. She had asked him to help the family get
ready for a party by washing the big arcadia door window. When he dragged his feet, she told him he
only needed to wash the inside. She
tried telling Grandma, “You should see how well Riley can wash windows!” But still he kept doing what he was doing and
did not get up to mind. Grandma stepped
in to help by saying,
“Are you sure you are old enough to
clean that big arcadia door? Isn’t it
too big for you?” That did the trick.
Riley got up and did his best, in order to show Grandma he could in fact do it!
Becky didn’t know what to do. Sarah simply refused to come
to the extended family gathering. The
more Jenny explained and pushed, the more adamant she became that “I’m Not
going!” Becky really wanted her to come
and be with the family and the cousins. They had gotten nowhere by talking it over! Becky
went to her room and knelt in prayer over this, asking the Lord to help her say
the right thing. Finally, she knocked on
her daughter’s door. “I realize that you
have decided not to go to the family get-together with our cousins,” Becky said
quietly, “But I just want you to know that you can change your mind.” “I love you,” she added, and closed the door. A few minutes later, Sarah came out of her
room, ready to go. She had simply needed
to be able to make up her own mind.
Forcing simply does not work well. In fact, Forcing is Satan’s
way. It takes away all freedom to choose, something we all need. Of course, there are some
non-negotiables. Our Stake President
recently taught us: “Don’t let them flex
that Free Agency Muscle too young!”
Some, he cautioned, are too young to pray about whether to go to church
or go to the lake! “You’re coming to church!” However, as a parent we can instruct them
that they still have a choice in regards to non-negotiables. Their choice lies
in their attitude. For example, they can
choose whether they will go to church happy or go to church sad, but they are
going to church.
While they are young, we must still teach and train,
especially our little ones. “Train up a
child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from
it.” Proverbs 22:6. Training is different from Forcing. But by using a backdoor approach, we can
still require obedience—to the things theyhave been taught--and yet allow
choice, and keep the child’s self-esteem positive. “You made a great choice!” is a wonderful way
to reinforce!
See also: ION
(Instead of Nagging) list part 1 and part 2
Labels: Children--A Back Door Approach Part 2, Children--Obedience without Contention Part 2