Back Door Approach, Part 2


Motivating the Strong-willed Child

Requiring Obedience does not have to be forceful and negative.  There is another way to expect and require a child to obey, without a feeling of condemnation and so much disapproval.  I call it the backdoor approach.

However, using a Backdoor Approach precludes that the child has been thoroughly taught.  From the time they are tiny, we must use every teaching moment to teach obedience, to teach kindness, to teach all the commandments and righteous living.  Then, reinforcing it, along with applying the mercy we all need, is often best done by using a Backdoor Approach.

My Favorite Idea:

1.  Try it Over.  I love those three little words!  They tell a child immediately that what he did was unacceptable, but it also gives him another chance.  “Try it Over” expresses faith in your little person, that he knows a better way!  And it does this without a scolding!  We are told that the Lord “upbraideth not” when He gives us wisdom.  He doesn’t scold when we pray.  And we too can communicate what is needed, and wait for another try at doing what’s right, without a scolding.

When my kids slip into saying put-downs, I say, “Try it Over.”  When they start to talk disrespectfully, I prompt them with “Try it Over.”  Sometimes another sentence is needed that explains what I am looking for, but most of the time, it is not necessary.   If a child grabs a toy from another, I may hand the toys back to the original child and tell the other, “Try it Over.” I then may model for them, “May I please play with this when you’re done?”  then wait to see them do it better.  (My strong-willed ones may use their own words, rather than mine, but that’s ok.  Just as long as it is polite and appropriate.) “Try it Over” just coaxes them back to a better way of saying or doing something.

Lori’s kids responded to the firm reminder, “Rewind!”  When things got out of hand at her house, “Rewind” was their clue to stop, back up, and say something kinder or figure out how to share that toy. She might spell out a better way, or prompt better words.  Peace was restored and no one was singled out for a scolding! 





2.  Back Door Phrases.  “Didn’t your Mother ever teach you good manners/to be kind/to get along?”  is another phrase I like to use.  Rather than put down a child, it adds a bit of humor and puts the blame on me for not teaching them better.   They get the message that what they did or said was not quite appropriate and then refine their own behavior.

“Do I need to find something good for you to do?” is Shelley’s way of telling her kids that they are horsing around too much and she can put this idle time to better use.  Her kids know that there are always clothes to fold or toilets to clean!  They usually stop the rough-housing quickly and find something good to do, such as read or do their chores, rather than wait for her to find a job for them!  Shelley’s kids are prompted out of their behavior and no one is scolded or nagged.

My Other Favorite Idea:

3.  Use Hypothetical situations

My kids would sometimes have a melt-down in public.  Or a scene at the grocery store.  Tired and done, they were expressing the fact with a tantrum!  I learned to calmly say, “See that boy over there?”  (That in itself helped distract and direct attention away from the issue being screamed about.) “He is wondering, ‘Why in the world is that little girl crying?  Is she hurt?  Does her Mommy need to take her to the hospital?!’“ Or,” That lady is asking herself, ‘Why is that boy being so loud?  It hurts my ears!’ ” Or even, “That worker must wonder, ‘He is crying so much, I bet he must have a terrible tummy ache.  Is he going to throw up?’“ The child was able to realize what he or she was doing, and how it must look to others.  Most of the time, they quieted right down!

Tabitha had a son who had been entirely homeschooled, and would now be entering the public school system for 2nd grade.  Robbie didn’t know many of the conventions and expectations the other kids had been learning for two years.  Tabitha wanted to prepare him for a good experience, so she decided to use bedtime stories.  For weeks before school was to begin, Tabitha told a story each night that taught about raising your hand, being on time, or not cutting in line.  She told about someone being asked to give their answers and how to respond.   Within a story about another child she taught Robbie Stranger danger, bike safety, or what to do if he got into a bind.  Usually every story had a student who chose the wrong approach, and one who chose a better way and felt so much better.  Or the story would have a child who tried a negative way, then tried a better way the next day.  (Tabitha was amazed at how many details Robbie remembered later on!)  Through stories, she could help him see what he would be facing soon without lecturing him head on. 

4.  Give the Result you want, and let the Child pick the Path

Rather than telling her kids to go clean their rooms, Patti told them, "Daddy is going to do a bedroom check at 5 pm this afternoon."  That was all that needed saying.  She might remind them again at 4 pm, but other than that, she didn't need to say a word.  Some of her kids would do it earlier and others might scramble to get it all done the last minute, but that was okay.  Patti was still getting the result she needed. Daddy would usually be complimentary, as he checked their rooms, but he would also make suggestions as to an area to clear off or to do a little better.  Or, he might require that they come get him when they were ready for a recheck! 

“When I get back, I’m going to check this room and see if it is vacuumed!  I sure hope it is, so that you can go play!”  Jan’s kids responded to this backdoor approach, rather than “Go and vacuum this room now.”  They knew the result she expected, and were set to obey, but they could choose whether to start now, or finish the chapter first, then get it done.

Our kids are generally good kids!  They just don’t like to be hounded.  In reality, I don’t either.  But they do need reminders once in awhile, in fact, often.  So a backdoor approach does the reminding without the hounding. 


5. Make it a Game!

Tanilee liked to play “Secret Elves” with her little kids.  It was a game of make-believe for when there was a room to clean up, based on the story of the “Elves and the Shoemaker.” After asking her kids if they think there were any secret elves around, Tanilee would start by saying, “Oh, I am so sleepy!” She stretch and yawn, and her kids would follow suit.  Then, everyone would lie down on the floor and “fall asleep.”  Then, transformed into secret elves, they would all get up and tip toe around the room cleaning it up, careful not to “wake up” the now-imaginary sleepers.   After the room was all picked up, they became the sleepers again, lying down as they had been.  In another minute or two, it was time to “wake up.” Everyone would look around and exclaim, “What a clean room!  Who could have done it while we were asleep?  It must have been secret elves!  Wow, that was so nice of them!”  The room was cleaned up, and everyone had a fun game of imagination at the same time. 

“The Witch is Coming!” is a game Susie uses with her kids when they have a room to clean up.  “There is a Witch who is coming to make sure this room is cleaned up.  Who knows what she will do, if she finds it dirty!!”  Everyone scrambles to clean, and every few minutes, Susie says, “Oh no, she is at the Johnsons!”  or “She’s only two houses away!”  When the room is almost clean, Susie leaves, transforms into the “witch” (no costume required) and appears.   She gives a cackle-y laugh and says “Let’s see if this room is Clean.  If it isn’t, I will turn you all into frogs!”  (More cackles)  The kids quickly hide anything that may still be out of place and giggle at silly mommy.  The “witch” is so disappointed that she can’t punish them for a dirty room, and leaves in disgust, then turns back into mommy and gives them all a hug of relief!   



6.  Use Reverse Psychology

One day, I decided to simply let my two-year old say No!  In fact, he had such a need to say it, that I would encourage it!  “Are you a tiger today?” I asked him.  “No!!” he answered adamantly.   “Well OK then, Are you an elephant today?”  “No!”  “Are you a Giraffe today?”  “No!” I kept going until the child ran out of steam.  He got less and less forceful, and even could laugh when I brought up the ridiculous!  (Are you a turkey today?)  He got the need out of his system, and in the process, was not misbehaving!  
 
Heidi’s children had trouble starting to Fast.  She decided to use reverse psychology.  After teaching about fasting, why it is done, who it helps, and the great promises from fasting, Heidi told her 7-9 year old child sincerely, “You know, fasting is really special.  You have to be ready for it, old enough to appreciate what you are doing.  I’m not sure you are quite ready to fast.   Do you think we should wait a couple of months to try it?”    Her child may agree at first, but soon, in his own timing, he wanted to take it on. “I think I am old enough now!”  The family would talk over who they knew that was sick or in need, to fast for, and would begin their fast with a prayer.  Heidi reminded them that when they felt hungry, that was when they should kneel and pray, in order to draw closer to Heavenly Father, and make their Spirit stronger.   Having chosen when they were ready to begin fasting, her kids were much less likely to complain.  Heidi let them choose when to break their fast as well.  When they were ready, she simply had them go and finish with a prayer, be it 1pm or 3pm.  Then, they could quietly fix their own snack.  As they grew, of course fasting became even more meaningful.

Michelle was struggling to get young Riley to mind.  She had asked him to help the family get ready for a party by washing the big arcadia door window.  When he dragged his feet, she told him he only needed to wash the inside.  She tried telling Grandma, “You should see how well Riley can wash windows!”  But still he kept doing what he was doing and did not get up to mind.  Grandma stepped in to help by saying,
“Are you sure you are old enough to clean that big arcadia door?  Isn’t it too big for you?”  That did the trick. Riley got up and did his best, in order to show Grandma he could in fact do it!

 
Becky didn’t know what to do. Sarah simply refused to come to the extended family gathering.  The more Jenny explained and pushed, the more adamant she became that “I’m Not going!”  Becky really wanted her to come and be with the family and the cousins.  They had gotten nowhere by talking it over! Becky went to her room and knelt in prayer over this, asking the Lord to help her say the right thing.  Finally, she knocked on her daughter’s door.  “I realize that you have decided not to go to the family get-together with our cousins,” Becky said quietly, “But I just want you to know that you can change your mind.”  “I love you,” she added, and closed the door.  A few minutes later, Sarah came out of her room, ready to go.  She had simply needed to be able to make up her own mind.

Forcing simply does not work well. In fact, Forcing is Satan’s way. It takes away all freedom to choose, something we all need.  Of course, there are some non-negotiables.  Our Stake President recently taught us:  “Don’t let them flex that Free Agency Muscle too young!”  Some, he cautioned, are too young to pray about whether to go to church or go to the lake!  “You’re coming to church!”  However, as a parent we can instruct them that they still have a choice in regards to non-negotiables. Their choice lies in their attitude.  For example, they can choose whether they will go to church happy or go to church sad, but they are going to church.



While they are young, we must still teach and train, especially our little ones.  “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”  Proverbs 22:6.  Training is different from Forcing.  But by using a backdoor approach, we can still require obedience—to the things theyhave been taught--and yet allow choice, and keep the child’s self-esteem positive.  “You made a great choice!” is a wonderful way to reinforce!

See also:  ION (Instead of Nagging) list part 1 and part 2 


Next week, we will discuss Non-negotiables and Training up a Child.  If you have input to share, please comment below or email it to: ideasformypocketcomments@gmail.com.

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