Ideas For My Pocket: a Support Group for Families: Practicing Reverence

What do we want? We want not only quiet children, but children who can be calm enough to feel the Spirit at church. We want them to learn to eventually feel close to our Savior at church. First comes the habit of being quiet, and then come the good feelings of reverence.

Reverence does not come naturally to most children. It must be taught. Is being peaceful and quiet in church something you can practice?

1. Practicing Reverence

Lana sat her baby Stella on her lap during the week to teach her to be quiet in church on Sunday! Lana’s goal was to do it for 30 minutes a day, but she had to work up to that. Stella had no toys or distractions, just a seat on Mom’s lap. While they sat, Lana turned on an inspirational fireside talk to listen to together, since she wanted to duplicate church meetings as closely as possible. Lana was careful to make the quiet session on Mommy’s lap be a positive time, even if it didn’t go well at first. She didn’t force it, and allowed wiggles of course. Gradually, Stella would sit more and more quietly and just listen, there in her mother’s lap where she loved to be. Even as she grew up, she still would calm down when Lana took her on her lap.

Lana and Stella have grown to enjoy their lap time, and little Stella has an amazing ability to pay attention and learn. Even today, when she is approaching two years old, she often calms when her mother puts her on her lap.

When Mark and I were raising lots of little kids, we got permission and a key to go down to the church on a weekday in order to practice being reverent. First, we took our young children to the door of the chapel. We talked to them about what a special room this was, a place where Jesus’ Spirit was. “When we go inside, we want to be extra quiet so the Spirit can be there. In fact, we want to think about Jesus.” To reinforce our point, a couple of times we went in the chapel practically tip-toeing to show the quiet we expected. Upon entering, we immediately spoke in whispers, then tip-toed out of the chapel and spoke with a regular voice, emphasizing to the kids that the chapel is for being quiet. Then our family went in to sit for awhile. We sat in a pew and pretended to sing and pray and listen quietly. The children got lots of praise for how well they did! On Sunday, our practice really seemed to help.

As follow up, during the Sunday service, when a child grew noisy, one of us would take him out, reminding him that the chapel was only for quiet voices. The child would be brought into a classroom to sit there (with no objects or food) until he decided he was ready to return and be quiet. We tried hard to be matter of fact rather than forceful or frustrated—we wanted only good feelings to be associated with Church.

Years later, Mark was called to a leadership calling that required he sit on the stand. We again went down to the chapel on a day it was empty. We talked about where Dad would sit, and how he could see us from the stand and notice how reverent we were being. We talked about how I might have to take the baby out in the foyer if he cried (our youngest was 1 year old), and that they were expected to sit quiet while I was gone. We emphasized to our kids that this was the very best way they could help Daddy with his new calling, by sitting quietly in church.

2. Learning about the Sacrament

Teenaged Darcy was frustrated with her little sister about how irreverently she took the sacrament! One day, Darcy sat young Ellie on the bed in their parents’ room to “practice”. The two of them pretended to have the bread passed to them and quietly take one, then the water. Darcy talked to Ellie about what the sacrament meant and how quietly and reverently we take it, and think about Jesus too! Ellie could feel the awe and respect in her big sister’s voice, and learned that this was more than a piece of bread and a tiny drink. It was a foundation of her warm feelings about the gospel.

Cassandra took some pictures of Jesus that she got in a religious calendar, and placed them in plastic sheets. During the sacrament, she got these out to help children remember to focus on Him during that time. Cassandra’s family limits other books or little toys until after the Sacrament whenever possible. She taught and then reminded her children to try to think of Him, especially during the Sacrament. And whenever she could, she bowed her head and showed them she was doing just that.

Hannah used a little skit she once heard to help her kids learn about reverence. She placed a bench in the Family Room for Family Home Evening. Four children sat on the bench. “Don’t they all four look very reverent during the sacrament?” Hannah asked them. “But Tommy (She used fictitious names) was thinking about his bike; Grace was thinking about the tree outside the window; Dan was thinking about a hot fudge sundae; and Lisa was thinking about Jesus. Even though they all Look Reverent, which of the kids were really Being Reverent?” she asked them, then “Who are you going to be like?”

3. Keeping Children Occupied during the Talks

Valerie had active, busy kids. She chose little toys that were interesting and quiet to keep the interest of wiggly young children. Books were ideal. She chose to avoid food, as it dirtied the chapel. She tried to vary the toys brought each week, and not let them out during the week so they would be fresh and interesting on Sunday. At one point, she accomplished this by keeping four diaper bags ready, each with different quiet activities, that she would alternate bringing. That way, all items were fresh and interesting to her sharp kids. Some ideas were colorful paper clips to put together, small chains, a toy pocket-knife tool with parts kids could open, books with flaps, tiny cars with trailers or doors that opened and closed, to keep little hands busy. Valerie found that the absolute favorite activity of her kids was a set of stencils. So, she decided to save that one to only get out for Stake and General Conference, the longer meetings.

Andrea found that if she had her children color in church, they were busy with their hands, sat still, but were also listening. Andrea especially loved the markers that only wrote only on certain paper, although these were somewhat expensive. That worked perfect for her 3 and 4 ½ year old daughters. Her 6-year old son didn’t care for coloring, so she gave him a word to look for, like “love” or “family” throughout a back issue of the Friend magazine. Whenever he found it, he would circle it. That way, he could reuse the same magazine the following week, finding a different word. The 2-year old would stay quiet with a little bag of fish crackers or other snack, given one at a time throughout the meeting. Given that way, the family left no mess behind!

Tamara found that for her family, the best way to help their children to be quiet in church is to really keep things simple. For her family, it seemed like the more things they would take--toys, quiet books, etc, the more crazy they would get, the kids expecting playtime. She and Matt decided to give them each a sketch pad that they could write or draw in. They encouraged the kids to write and draw about things they were hearing in church, but then left it up to them. Tamara also took a few books for her toddlers, or the Friend magazine, but those items and the sketch pads were all.

As children get older, the more we can expect them to listen. The Peterson’s found their children to be quieter if they sat closer to the front where they could hear better. This large family waited until another family in their ward had moved, and then sat in the front side benches that family had previously occupied. Joe and Patty arranged the children in two small benches with themselves in the second pew back. This way, they could watch children, and tap them if a child needed a reminder to be reverent. This worked better for them than being spread out on one large pew.

Have children use the bathroom or get a drink before or between meetings. At one point, a doctor verified to us that most bladders are not so small that they can’t make it through an hour and a half church meeting. If one child absolutely must leave during the service, have her fold her arms and walk quietly, and return quickly. Ideally, an older child or parent should come too.

Certain times for church fall right during naptime. Dan and Toni talked over what age they thought their children were too old to lie down. Toni purposely brought soft quiet books in her diaper bag, that doubled as a pillow for a sleepy youngster. Occasionally, when a child was very sleepy, she had him quietly lie down on the floor on the book/pillow and go to sleep for a stretch. Then he would wake up and be rested for nursery or Primary.

4. When you must go out.

Sometimes babies and toddlers are just too noisy, and must be escorted out.

When Marianne went out to the Mother’s lounge to nurse her young baby, she made a point to tell her older children that she listens carefully to the speakers from there. Commenting on something she enjoyed in a talk accomplished this nicely.

Troy devised a plan for their noisy children. He brought them out and opened the door of a classroom nearby. The child was instructed to sit down and fold his arms quietly on a chair in the classroom. Troy then either waited silently there, not giving any attention to the child, or stepped out to the foyer for a minute, since he “wanted to hear the speaker!” When the child decided he was ready to return and could be quiet now, Troy escorted him back in.

Should it happen that this child had to go out again, they would repeat the same process, again with no undue attention given the child. (If Troy got frustrated or angry, he knew, the child had succeeded in getting attention, and this negative reinforcement became a reason to come back out, but with no response on a straight-faced dad, this does not factor in.) Troy would stay just a little longer on the chair, just to “be sure” the child could be reverent. Back inside, the child knew he could look at a book or draw quietly. He knew it needed to be more enjoyable to be in the chapel rather than out of it in the hall. If handled right, Troy knew the problem would be solved.

5. Bond good feelings with church.

While we don’t want children to love being in the lobby, we also don’t want them to cry or even cringe when they see or even drive by the church building! Be careful with disciplining too severe. Church is a good place, and we parents must be wise and patient, even with the youngest of children, as we teach reverence.

Gina had a wonderful idea. When Chase, her 3-year old Sunbeam received a little plastic padded photo book from the dollar store with a couple of pictures of Jesus inside from his teacher, she put a wallet sized picture of him on the front. Inside the wallet-sized picture slots, she put pictures of her young, rather rambunctious little boy. She chose (or took) pictures of him in Sunday clothes and being reverent. Interspersed, she put more pictures of Jesus. Chase loved it! It was his book. But also, it was something to hold and do (turn pages), as well as something to look at during the sacrament. Not only did his book teach reverence during the sacrament, it taught him that he was special enough to be in this book with Jesus.

6. Give yourself a pat on the back!

You deserve it! You are persevering and taking your kids to church, establishing a pattern for their lives, and a solid tradition for your family. You are showing your little one that this is important, and that we love Jesus in our family.

If it seems like someone is judgmental of your noisy bunch, it could be that that poor person has never had the opportunity to take care of and teach little ones. Perhaps that person is actually jealous of you, that you are in the season of little ones at home—and at church! It is so short. And chances are, you are doing better than you think! Just keep on! It’s all worth it! And in my book, you have earned a medal!