Adore the One I Love
Who doesn’t long to feel adored! It’s a glorious feeling!
After one marries, and speaks those special words that make two
as one, there may come a point where reality hits. We have two choices at this point, to find
and focus on the positive, or to find and focus on the negative. President Spencer W. Kimball promised that
happiness is within the reach of every couple.
I submit that one way to reach this happiness is to choose to Adore.
Adoring requires a lot of ignoring. It requires searching for and emphasizing the
good. There is much forgiveness
needed. But there is a lot of true
happiness when we choose to adore. If I
make my Man a King, then I will become his Queen!
1. Shower with
love. Spouses become what we make of them. ”We cannot force people into doing things but
we may love them into doing what is right and into righteousness.” George Albert Smith
Find out what truly communicates love to your spouse, then
apply it often. Thoughtful words, touch,
time, gifts, and service are five different ways you can show love. (See The
5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love
that Lasts by Gary Chapman) Determine
which love language means the most and up the amount you do by 10x. Then watch for the results!
Becky’s husband just loved it when she made herself
available to listen for a while. He had
a need, she discovered, for her time and undivided attention. Becky learned to occasionally set aside her
list and just talk over whatever came up.
This made him feel valued and loved.
2. Thank him. All of us do many things behind the scenes
which are unobserved—even invisible.
Notice the things he does, and thank him. Did your spouse go to work today and likely
do something monotonous or difficult? Thank
him! Did he fix something or pick up something or take the baby ? Make a big deal about it! Did he smile at you? If he didn’t do these things, look for the
tiniest thing that he did that was selfless.
Pray to be able to see it. And
thank him sincerely. Chances are, that
thing will increase, and blossom into others.
Christie found that the more she championed her Ed and sincerely
told him, “You are so good to me!” the
more he believed her, and became a great kind of man! There is power in words, she knew, so she
chose to use them to build.
3. Do a
kindness. Does your man have a favorite
smoothie? Does he just love new
socks? Did you discover a button about
to fall off—and fix it the Same Day?
Lola always gave her hubby a “Daddy-sized piece” of dinner,
since he has a “Daddy-sized tummy “or just because he is The Dad! She liked to buy his brand of salsa or salad
dressing or chips—even if she didn’t particularly care for it.
All I did was go over to the neighbors one day and pick a
grapefruit (with their permission) for Mark, then cut it like he likes it (even though I don’t see the
point in cutting around each segment—I just get it with a spoon. For that matter, I don’t even like grapefruit
very much!) But when I did that for him, then spooned it in his mouth when he was working outside in the heat (I heard that citrus replenishes electrolytes), he was so touched! “Did you go over and pick that for me?” he asked—two or three times! He was so grateful for such a little
kindness, that I have been searching for more of the same to do again!
4. Pray for him. In family prayer, mention Daddy’s concerns or
his health or his protection to and from work or his success at work.
In her private prayers, Kammi often felt very selfish. There was so much she asked for! But when she stopped and thought of her Tom’s
needs and wants, his concerns and his dreams, and implore the Lord to bless
him, her love for him grew!
5. Use Dad as an
example for good. When we teach our kids
about honesty, we can mention a time when Dad was honest. When we talk about being a good neighbor, we
can bring up when Dad helped the ones next door. When we build up Dad in the eyes of our kids,
we lift everyone. How wonderful when kids
think their Dad is a Hero! All too soon,
they will see his faults, but how super if they also see how Mom loves him
anyway and emphasizes the positive!
When Millie planned a Family Home evening lesson, she looked
for examples of that topic in her Tyson’s life.
She told stories from his childhood or his mission or an experience at
work when he had to stand alone. How he
loved it when the kids looked up to him!
His confidence and belief in himself grew, despite the daily challenges
he faced that tore him down.
6. Lots of
affection. Merrill Heslop, a family
counselor, once taught us that while women need to have everything just right before they are intimate,
men feel that being intimate makes everything
all right! It is an interesting
difference in point of view, one that requires understanding. “Do it a little more often,” he urged
women. “Your marriage is only as good as
your intimacy.” This is the place we can
be the most giving and understanding and kind and caring.
Tina’s husband was having a hard time, with exhaustion mixed
with low self-esteem. She got the idea
to massage his feet. He melted to her
tender touch, and listened to her loving words.
In fact, while she was doing it, Tina felt like the right words to say
were given to her, in answer to her prayers for him. But combining them with her loving touch was
the conduit to reach him best.
My favorite idea:
7. Give him space, by
focusing on our own faults. Jesus taught
that we must consider the beams in our own eyes, rather than the motes in
others. (Matthew 7:1-3) I have seen this work over and over! “Criticize them, and their conscience will
console them. Love them, and their
conscience will indict them.” From Bonds that Set Us Free by C. Terry
Warner. When we truly focus on correcting our own shortcomings, it gives our
spouse freedom to take over fixing his own.
He observes our concentration on and effort to change and grow, then
decides to do the same. Rather than
becoming defensive, he is free to move forward. With him taking over the job of “fixing”
himself, we are free to adore!!
Spencer W. Kimball taught, “One comes to realize
very soon after the marriage that the spouse has weaknesses not previously
revealed or discovered. The virtues which were constantly magnified during
courtship now grow relatively smaller, and the weaknesses which seemed so small and insignificant during courtship now
grow to sizable proportions. . . . The hour has come for
understanding hearts, for self-appraisal, and for good common sense, reasoning,
and planning.
“. . . real, lasting happiness is
possible. . . . [and it] is within the reach of
every couple, every person...It is certain that almost any good man and any
good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to
pay the price.
“Some
think of happiness as a glamorous life of ease, luxury, and constant thrills;
but true marriage is based on a happiness which is more than that, one which
comes from giving, serving, sharing, sacrificing, and selflessness.” See Spencer W. Kimball, “Marriage and
Divorce,” https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/spencer-w-kimball_marriage-divorce/
We
have so much power to make our man into someone great! May we choose to adore, and in turn find
happiness galore!
Please
comment below with your ideas to create a happy marriage and adore your spouse:
Additional quotes on happiness in marriage:
Marriage requires “constant, intentional work. The doctrine
of eternal families must inspire us to dedicate our best efforts to saving and
enriching our marriages and families...
“No
matter how flat your relationship may be at the present, if you keep adding
pebbles of kindness, compassion, listening, sacrifice, understanding, and
selflessness, eventually a mighty pyramid will begin to grow.
“If
it appears to take forever, remember: happy marriages are meant to last
forever! So ‘be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a
great [marriage]. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.’
D&C
64:33
“It
may be a gradual work, but it doesn’t have to be a cheerless one. In fact, at
the risk of stating the obvious, divorce rarely happens when the husband and
wife are happy.
“So
be happy!”
“If we look for
imperfections in our spouse or irritations in our marriage, we will certainly
find them, because everyone has some. On the other hand, if we look for the
good, we will surely find it, because everyone has many good qualities too.
“Love is what you go through together.” James Thurber
Labels: Marriage--Adore the One I Love
