Ideas For My Pocket: a Support Group for Families: Just Because You're Mine

Rika was planning to go to the temple one day, and in her prayers beforehand, she asked for help with a weakness. She asked to be able to get rid of critical thoughts, and to be filled with love for her husband. She didn’t want to bring bad feelings with her to the temple.

Even before she left, a wonderful thing happened. As Rika was pondering, a thought came to her: “I don’t have to love what he does, but I can love him anyway!” Then another idea came: “How does Heavenly Father love us? He doesn’t wait until we are perfect to love us. He loves us—even adores us—because we are His.”

Choosing to Love Regardless

Many times, Rika had knelt in prayer and felt God's love—even when she felt so unworthy of it. He loved her first, she realized, and regardless of what she did. “Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee (to me)” Jeremiah 31:3 (see footnote “d”). “I am encircled eternally in the arms of his love.” 1 Nephi 1:15

Feeling His love had empowered Rika to move forward, to do better. It had given her the “umph” to change.

Rika wanted to adore her husband. But she didn’t always love what he did. “That’s all right,” she decided: “I can adore him, just because he’s mine! That’s enough reason!”

One of My Favorites:

There is power in loving unconditionally the way God loves us—not a condemning love, but an I forgive you, I believe in you love.

My kids used to watch Mister Rogers on PBS. One day, I overheard him sing a wonderful song: “It’s you I like; It’s not the clothes you wear. It’s not the way you do your hair, but it’s you I like. The way you are right now. The way down deep inside you. Not the things that hide you, not your toys—they’re just beside you. It’s you I like. Every part of you: your skin, your eyes, your feelings, whether old or new. I hope that you’ll remember, even when you’re feeling blue, that it’s you I like. It’s you I like.” I was so touched by this song (especially since he sang to a little boy in a wheelchair, and emphasized it was him, not his “fancy chair,” that Mr. Rogers liked)! (see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BZlyxS37Kk)

I tweaked this song to fit a goal of giving unconditional love: “It’s you I love; it’s not the things you do. It’s not the things you forget to do, but it’s you I love. The way you are right now. The way down deep inside you. Not the things that hide you—not your paycheck, it’s just beside you! It’s you I love. Every part of you: your background, your personality, your feelings, whether old or new. I hope that you’ll remember, even when you’re feeling blue, that it’s you I love. It’s you I love.”

Lana discovered that people could tell whenever she had critical thoughts about them. They felt disapproval, even when she didn’t express any! When Lana quit sending verbal or nonverbal messages of criticism to her husband, and instead sent spoken and unspoken feelings of love and adoration his way, he was empowered. She decided to spend that time and effort working on her own character. Lana observed that her husband is then free to use the Light of Christ within him to grow closer to the person he’d really like to be.

Sometimes Toby feels disappointed because her husband isn’t meeting her needs. She feels lost or empty because her needs aren’t met. But her friend Melodee taught her an important truth: We can focus instead on loving our husbands and ask Heavenly Father to meet our needs, rather than our spouse. He may be incapable of it.

But Heavenly Father, through His son, can meet each of our needs. In fact, He knows what we need most. We can leave that to Him! “But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19 “Your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.” Matthew 6:8. “Ask the Father in the name of Jesus for what things ye shall stand in need.” Mormon 9:27. See also verse 28. Toby found that though they may be met differently than she expected, if she would trust Heavenly Father and follow Him, He would meet her needs. Then, without requiring that of her spouse, she was free to love him with all her heart!